The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 12/5: Zack Ryder All Day Everyday

By: 12.06.11

Best: Kevin Nash, Making Poopies

Oddly enough, I think Santino vs. Kevin Nash was my favorite match on the show. Kevin Nash was actually wrestling, and while I don’t like that necessarily, he should be doing that if he’s on the show. It was a solid (waste) continuation of my “treat Santino like a stupid joke” initiative which people seem to be on board with, and I think this is the first match where Santino didn’t get in his hip-toss-to-Cobra-feint hope spot because his opponent isn’t physically able to flip over or sell for a sh*tty snake hand. Nash showing up and nonchalantly beating guys like this is a good use of him. He’s important enough that they could keep him under contract in a Sid/911 role and just have come out and powerbomb guys who aren’t doing anything. I’d be all for that on paper, and then he’d start powerbomb guys like Bryan Danielson or Derrick Bateman or whatever and I’d get my ass in a bunch.

But no, making poopies out of Santino is great, and I even liked him threatening to hit Santino with the sledge and then just not doing it. Kevin Nash is not being a star, and therefore should be a guy you want to see get taken down a peg. Also, the sledgehammer works way better in the role of “thing that could kill you for real, so try not to ever get hit by it” instead of that Abyss and Janice “oh here’s my nailboard of f**king death that could rip out your guts and kick you to f**king Hell but don’t be afraid, I’m the only person here who ever gets hit by it because I’m the only one wearing a shirt” thing they’ve been doing for years.

Best: Pro Wrestling All-Stars To The Rescue

Punk: “so i hear you got suspended for drugs”
Evan: “LOL yep smoke weed everday”
Punk: “did you realize that everything here is fake and stupid”
Evan: “whaaaaat”
Punk: “no seriously, my name isn’t even cm punk, it’s phil. your name is matt.”
Evan: “i like airplanes”
Punk: “do you remember delirious”
Evan: “hahaha yeah you should remember him on drugs”
Punk: “yeah that would probably be better. okay, bye”
Evan: “bye”

I’d written a whole thing about DiBiase Posse Parties there but deleted it in favor of the Grand Theft Auto San Andreas pedestrian conversation, which is how I imagine every conversation like this ending. Seriously though, what the hell were they talking about, Dragon Gate? Maybe he was asking Punk to be his sponsor.

Worst: So Is Anybody Tired Of “Radio” Yet

I feel like a kid who got caught smoking. My parents are gonna make me smoke EVERY CIGARETTE IN THE PACK until I’m throwing up all over the place. I got caught wishing Zack Ryder would be on TV, so now WWE’s gonna keep shoving more and more headbands and foam Broski fists and run-ins and musical Zack Ryder distractions until I’m throwing up all over the place.

Worst: Sheamus Needing Zack Ryder To Defeat Dolph Ziggler

Ziggler’s Radio distraction, counting Alicia Fox’s presence, brings us to THREE “whoops, I got distracted by somebody appearing at ringside” finishes on one two hour show. That’s horrible in its own right, but doesn’t begin to explain why Albino Shark Sheamus needed The Great Orange Zack Ryder to bail him out in a match against Dolph Ziggler, or why he’s happy to accept that kind of help. Maybe they’re trying to make a Dreamsicle.

I don’t want to write about this finish for a third time in the same report, so I won’t. Stop doing this. Everybody who goes to next week’s Raw needs to bring a sign that says STOP DOING THIS, and when CM Punk is wrestling The Miz and Alberto Del Rio drives out honking his horn or whatever, 12,000 people can hold up STOP DOING THIS signs in unison and maybe one of the 1,000 monkeys who figured out writing “gets distracted, loses” on the typewriter earned him a banana will try something different.

Best: That Bald Spot Is Starting To Take Over

Several weeks ago I made an “are you serious bro” hashtag joke about Zack Ryder’s hair being the same color as his body, but I’ve figured it out — you know those spray cans of hair color you can mist into your bald spots to make it look like you have hair? Ryder bought an orange can of that and sprayed it on his entire body. If his scalp is the same color as the hair that should be growing from it, how could you tell the difference?

Man, how depressing must it be for Ryder to wrestle his entire career with this big full head of hair and the second he becomes a popular television character it bails on him?

Worst: And Then Again With The Woos

Because the guys at 411 Wrestling love when I rag on them, here’s a line from last night’s Raw report:

After the match, Ryder goes into the ring and gives Dolph a Ruff Ryder! The crowd WOO WOO WOO’s along with him, much to the chagrin to those who say Ryder isn’t over…

My response would be that Zack Ryder isn’t over, but WOO WOO WOO is. So is “WE WANT RYDER”. Don’t forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he he always wanted.

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