Worst: “Not THESE Guys Again!” – The Mummy Returns
I feel like I might type this disclaimer too often, but I don’t hate CM Punk, and me saying something negative about an aspect of his performance doesn’t mean I’m being too hard on him, or that I’ve turned on him, or that I’m not shutting up and eating my gruel. I eat way too much gruel. That being said, I can’t be alone in thinking that CM Punk the television character has figured out the way to truly get rid of the Triple H character — by becoming him.
CM Punk is Triple H right now. He’s doing everything I hated about H. He’s the coolest and smartest and toughest character on the show. He makes snide remarks that demean the people he’s talking to, but not in the constructive pro wrestling way, in the way that makes them seem pointless and ineffectual and makes you think “oh, this is fake, I don’t have any reason to care about these guys”. Now he’s taken it even farther, dropping the “oh, you must be GAY” thing on Miz, who has been getting way too much gay flack lately for a guy everybody knows is sleeping with Maryse. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Miz had said I TOOK THEM OUT and Punk responded with “took them out, you mean like on a date?” because that’s funny. Sorta like how when wrestling recaps say “John Cena came out and delivered a promo” and your first thought is “John Cena came out?”
But no, he followed that up with jokes about how Miz probably took John Morrison and R-Truth to see that new Twilight flick (you KNOW he knows what it’s actually called) because of the way he looks. The cherry on top is “NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT”, which was contextually funny on Seinfeld 20 years ago and is the COINCIDENCE, I THINK NOT of gay conversation. It’s also the homophobic equivalent of staring a sentence with “why is it racist when” or “how it is racist that”. If you use those phrases in a sentence, you’re about to say something racist. Adding “not that there’s anything wrong with that” to the end of your sentence is the exact same f**king thing as “no homo” and should be retired forever. GLAAD should be down their f**king throats for sh*t like this, but sadly GLAAD signs on with people without paying attention, which is why they gave Billy and Chuck a gravy boat for their wedding despite six months of Billy and Chuck being Danger Gays.
sh*t, I haven’t even gotten to the point of this Worst
Another, quicker point in this Worst is that when you point out wrestling tropes in front of everybody you’re being Triple H. That’s bad. Pointing it out and going through the motions anyway makes you look like an asshole, and not in the fun pro wrestling way, in the Mr. Anderson way. “Oh man, I sure wish I didn’t have to be HERE doing THIS!” Just shut up and be a part of my f**king wrestling program. The old CM Punk would’ve happily posed for John Laurinaitis’ match photo. He would’ve posed for it and grinned from ear to ear.
Best: John Laurinaitis Has His Own Camera
I don’t care if you agree with me or not, Johnny Ace stopping the conversation to point at his own camera and wish John Morrison the best in his future endeavors was the best part of the show, and possibly the best part of any show this year. It’s at least in the top five, alongside Ziggler’s headstand and Beaker being canonically related to Sheamus. John Laurinatis is AWESOME at this right now and is the perfect kind of person to hate because he isn’t really doing anything BAD or annoying, he’s just that kind of person. This works so much better than Michael Cole yelling loser.
Worst: The Miz Is Great At Being One Half Of A Failed Two-On-One Attack
Who knows why WWE portrays its villains the way it does, but two weeks of Miz being vicious did not adequately prepare me for tonight’s show ending angle of Miz being emasculated and dismissed as a gay afterthought by one guy fighting two. Again. If I was a WWE heel, I’d come to the ring with a posse of 25 guys at all times. I’d never lose a match.
Best: CM Punk As Warrior Circa Hercules
…and even in Punk’s worst moments, he gives me something to enjoy. Watching him swing the belt around the ring like a mad man was great, and if we could just keep moving him in THAT direction, the direction that references great moments of the past without either condescending on them or trying to relive them, we’d be doing well for ourselves. Making the WWE interesting again should be a complex, mufti-faceted thing, and not just replacing John Cena with CM Punk. That’s all they’ve done. He’s holding Cena’s belt, doing Cena’s jokes and having Cena’s matches. Beating up two guys by himself like Cena.
And where’s Cena? Off somewhere doubting himself, screaming at nobody, walking away from everyone and giving up on everything.