Best: Michael Cole, Forlorn and Speechless
It’s good that the end result of Michael Cole’s two years of yelling at people the internet likes is to be sad and quiet for two minutes. It’s not enough to justify all the yelling in lieu of just being an effective heel, but I enjoyed sad ol’ Michael Cole, unable to handle another man’s happiness.
Worst: It Is Not Actually A Very Big Deal At All, You Guys
Hey, have you heard about Twitter? WWE has! They want you to use it all the dang time! Go crazy, folks! They wouldn’t shut up about what was trending all night, but it’s funny they never mentioned once that Kim Jong-il had been “compromised to a permanent end” (by U.S. troops hidden sneakily inside his frail old heart I guess). During the Ryder/Ziggler match, Cole and Lawler mentioned that #WWETLC was the number one trending topic in the world. Lawler dropped a “Do you know how big of a deal it is to be trending worldwide?” Oh yeah, you’re totally in lofty company there, dudes. You’re up there with important world events like #womenbeshoppin and #uevernoticehow and #PrayForSelena.
Booker T is sort of known for yelling inexplicable or inappropriate things at random times. So of course when he was beat down backstage by Cody Rhodes and straddled by Bill DeMott as a means of strange rescue, he would bug out his eyes and scream what sounded like “JAILBOY!” right before the camera faded to black and cut to the weirdest Slim Jims commercial ever.
Worst: Slim Jim Is Scamming Us All
According to Rey Mysterio, Big Show, and…oooohhhhh. Hm. Let’s say…Eve? Probably Eve. Possibly New DCU Wonder Woman; I can’t keep up. Anyway, apparently Slim Jims are one of the most requested snacks by U.S. troops serving abroad. I guess they’re experiencing severe sodium shortages in EVERY OTHER COUNTRY. Anyway, apparently for every two beef-flavored salt sticks you purchase, a free Slim Jim would be donated to the troops.
That’s all well and good, I guess but how much does a Slim Jim cost to produce? Like five cents per 10,000 or something, right? Just ship over some Jims, dickwads. You can probably send like forty crates to each platoon and you won’t notice they’re gone. Also, am I really supposed to believe that Slim Jim is accurately tracking these sales? Slim Jims are sold out of a raggedy box on the counter of a 7-11. It’s not like they’re even part of a given store’s inventory. That “Take a Penny, Leave a Penny” tray may as well be labeled “While you’re leaving a penny, cram a ton of Slim Jims into your backpack because no one will notice or care.”
Neither Best, Nor Worst: Primo And Epico?
Since we’re all old friends by page three, I figured it’s time to level with you guys: I haven’t followed WWE — especially, ESPECIALLY SmackDown! — super closely since moving to LA a couple of years ago. I read Brandon’s column, obviously, but even that doesn’t cover everything that happens on television. So when Primo and Epico were announced, I literally had not a single idea that this was a tag team that existed. I know who Primo is, but I don’t know Epico from Adamo and I don’t know who their Shelley Martinez v2.0 valet is. I know who Hunico is, but not Epico. Can’t tell an -ico without your program, I guess. They were responsible for two bests, though:
Best: Primo and Epico’s Galavision-Style Theme Song
Man alive, does their theme song rule. It almost sounds like it could be the theme song for a spectacular telenovela in the vein of “Los Heroes Del Norte” or something similar. On a related note, “Los Heroes Del Norte” is amazing and you should watch it, even if (ESPECIALLY if) you don’t speak Spanish.
Best: Actual Tag Teams, Like With Matching Tights And Everything
Tag team wrestling is good, and it’s fun, and it’s nice that WWE has at least two tag teams now that are enough of a regular thing that they have matching (or at least similar) tights. The tag team title match between “Air Boom” and “Primepico” was solid, harmless fun. They even did solid, harmless high-flying moves. Whenever I see Evan and Kofi in small doses like this, I’m reminded that they’re both impressive as heck at what they do, and perhaps they’re currently in the perfect role. Good for them. If being the WWE’s personal penny loafers is what gets you a paycheck, it beats working for a living.