Best: Mick Foley, Hopefully Getting A Nostalgia Run Better Than Lockdown 2009 (or Anything He’s Done Since Tossing Randy Orton Onto Thumbtacks)
I’ve talked about it at length before, though I can’t remember exactly when, so here’s the recap: I grew up in southern Virginia, where we had a crappy WWF house show once every six years and like sixty awesome NWA/WCW shows a month, and when I was 12, Sting and Cactus Jack were my favorite wrestlers. I liked Cactus Jack because he was crazy and could take an ungodly amount of punishment. I liked Sting because I liked wrestling and was a human being. Fast forward 17 years and I’m in the nearly-empty upper deck of the Liacouras Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, watching Sting and Cactus Jack hit each other with prop weapons and lie around like tired old men in the ninth cage match of the night. It wasn’t the worst match, but what it made me feel could’ve been done by just having Matt Morgan or whoever standing silently in the middle of a ring with a “YOU ARE OLD AND ONE DAY YOU WILL DIE” sign.
What I’m getting at is that I spent almost 20 years of my life cheering for Mick Foley in some capacity and don’t want him to have Ric Flair’s waning “oh man, remember when he was great, now he’s a worthless f**king Draugr” legacy. I want him to have a purposeful, important role in professional wrestling that doesn’t necessarily involve him shoving socks in peoples’ mouths or bleeding profusely for the enjoyment of 30 guys at an amusement park who’d be marking out just as hard for Matt Bentley. He doesn’t work as an authority figure, he doesn’t work as a color commentator, he doesn’t work as a guy I can still believe capable of pinning or submitting even a guy like David Otunga… but I love him and want him around, and I know he’s important to have around somewhere.
Anyway, it’s hilarious to have him around getting legend pops while Chris Jericho is somewhere on the other end of the show negating them forever.
Best: Dolph Ziggler Has A Good Point
He does. I like when heels (even the ones who are completely wrong) have thoughts that make sense … it’s what I liked so much about that Barrett/Ziggler/Rhodes/Otunga/
McGillicutty/Swagger group from last year. Even if you’re a bastard, you should be doing things that make sense.
It is ridiculous of Mick Foley to wander back into WWE having Mehrunes’ Razor’d the animatronic monster Universal Studios is trying to pass off as Ric Flair and expect a spot in the Royal Rumble over 30 dudes who have been there for a year and busted ass. There are logical reasons why Ziggler could be wrong — Foley is a multiple time WWE Champion and standing still doing nothing he’s more qualified for a shot at the Wrestlemania main event than, say, Hunico — but it makes these dramatic issues WWE loves to shoehorn in during the first 35 minutes of every show more bearable when there’s something more complex to think about than “John Cena wants to fight right now“. Ziggler SHOULD have a point, and he should be at least a little wrong, and we should be able to know that.
Worst: CM Punk, Still Hung Up On 20 Years Ago’s Gender Issues
And speaking of
1. Guys I love who are doing it wrong
2. People who should have a better point
CM Punk, everybody!
I’m not sure when WWE management sat down with Punk and said “okay, everything you’ve spent the last decade establishing about yourself needs to go, please replace it by saying I AM THE MOST MASCULINE MAN over and over”, but I hate them for doing it and at the risk of ranting about bullsh*t you couldn’t care less about it is grating and stupid for Punk’s biggest complaints against people to STILL be that they don’t follow middle America’s standards of masculinity. I feel like there should be a heavier emphasis on “I am the best wrestler in the world” (and even “I’m better than you”, because sh*t, he does that better than anyone) and less of an emphasis on “you are wearing pink, you are a gay”. Fake eyelashes? Spray tan? Who appointed you the f**king fashion police, dude? You haven’t changed your shirt in six months.
More importantly, who gives a sh*t if Dolph Ziggler is wearing a pink shirt? Honestly. That Golden Age of WWF would’ve blown f**king donkeys if Savage had spent two years going “hey Hogan, your tan isn’t real and you’re bald and nobody takes you seriously and you wear yellow underpants” instead of punching people in the face and crushing their throats with ring bells. Go back and watch this sh*t you namedrop, Punk. At no point does Jun Akiyama get in the Widow Baba’s face and yell “I know what’s REALLY going on!”
Best: Vickie Guerrero neé Muntz
And speaking of
1. Awesome wrestling
Vickie Guerrero! She hasn’t done anything especially despicable in years, but she’s maintained a healthy temperature by just kinda being around and laughing in peoples’ faces. I was in another room when she started laughing in Foley’s face and it made me smile without even seeing it. I know Vickie only has two speeds (“happy about her guy winning” and “excuse me”), but when Punk started in with YOU’RE THE LAST PERSON WHO SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT EATING DISORDERS VICKIE I wanted her to respond with “f**k you, I’m an adult”. I also would’ve accepted “f**k you, I have a gym membership”, or “f**k you, I have a gym membership and you stay in shape by downing fish oil and blowing loads onto your own 8 x 10s”.