Best: When Did Mike Quackenbush Win The WWE Tag Team Titles?
Sh*t, wait, is that the referee?
Best: The Now-Standard Rosa Mendes Outfit Best
Again with the Rosa Mendes.
I feel like I need to clarify this. Rosa Mendes has made a GREAT decision to wear hot pants and hang out at ringside instead of wrestling. This is not a catch-all for women in wrestling, as I am a huge fan and supporter of women who want to wrestle professionally and be taken seriously, but some women who end up with this job are just f**king terrible at it, and Rosa was dangerously close to reaching a Jackie Gayda critical mass with her inability to feed, take, execute or understand an Irish whip. Kelly Kelly can’t run the ropes for sh*t, but at least she can do it without falling backwards with her eyes crossed.
Also needing clarification: Rosa Mendes isn’t someone I’d bring up HD pictures of on my computer and wistfully think “wow, she’s so beautiful”, but if I was at a strip club and she was wearing what she wore last night, I would think “holy sh*t that stripper is beautiful”. Does that make sense?
Best: Title Changes When They Don’t Have To Happen
When I was younger, I was obsessed with wondering what would happen when wrestling’s most obvious tropes were broken … for example, having grown up watching a lot of NWA I KNEW that the tape machines were rolling and that if the match ended during the commercial break David Crockett or whoever would show me what happened, but the match was always still going on when they got back. That part of my brain LOVES house show title changes, because no amount of them happening can make me think they’d actually happen. They turn my brain into MC Escher’s Relativity.
And reasonably wouldn’t titles change hands all the time at non-televised events? These guys are wrestling all the time. In the long long ago (before the darkness came) they could travel from town to town doing the same finishes wherever and get away with it, because only those 1-900-909-9900 motherf**kers are traveling around watching Flair beat Magnum with his feet on the ropes in every Carolina, but now when there are four different live reports for what happened on Superstars with varying levels of appropriateness (“I started a chant! My section LOVED it!” etc.) you kinda have to write those shows into the story, right? I’d love for a guy to show up on Raw and say “Dolph Ziggler, I wrestled you last Wednesday or whatever on the WWE live tour and you cheated to beat me, I want a rematch” or something. Just be okay that they exist and use them.
Worst: Kofi Kingston Should Kick Evan Bourne’s Ass
From WWE Corporate:
STAMFORD, Conn., January 17, 2012 – In accordance with its Talent Wellness Program, WWE (NYSE:WWE) has suspended Matthew Korklan (Evan Bourne®) for 60 days effective Tuesday, January 17 for his second violation of the company’s policy.
…so that explains your title change.
As a guy who stands by the D.A.R.E. pledge to resist drugs and alcohol he signed in the fourth grade, I don’t have a lot of tolerance for people who get high profile, high paying jobs and f**k them up by smoking pot. Whether or not it should be legalized or whether it’s “good” or “bad” is irrelevant — if the company that pays you 400K to do what you love to do for a living says “hey, you can keep doing this for a living, just don’t do these drugs” I have absolutely no f**king sympathy for you when you get caught. I don’t care that you get suspended and R-Truth gets to stick around and finish his story. I don’t! You’re stupid. You’re stupid, and you should be replaced by one of the 50 or so guys I can think of off the top of my head who can sell convincingly and do a nice shooting star press.
And seriously, Kofi Kingston should pull Evan Bourne aside backstage and kick him in the balls for pissing away any relevancy the tag titles were going to have and literally throwing a baby of an idea into the behind-the-prom dumpster of what actually happens.
Best: Chris Jericho Literally Communicating Via Jacket
Baby, when the lights, go out. He’ll show you what it’s all, about.
Like most of you, I’m still not 100% sure where Chris Jericho is going with this Boxxy gimmick, but I sure am enjoying watching him get there. And also like most of you, I’m left to assume that Jericho was paralyzed by delta radiation while trying to save the cast of NXT from a baffle plate rupture on their J-class wrestling show and has to flash his jacket once for “yes” and twice for “no”.
I think my favorite part of Jericho’s backstage interactions this week wasn’t that he induced darkness to make his jacket look cool, but that John Laurinaitis apparently knew he was going to do it and remained silent while this psycho in a wearable Lite-Brite wandered into his office and turned off the lights.