Worst: Owen Voices
I know a lot of people reading hate the term “Owen Voices” to describe when the announcers speak in frank, hushed tones about what happened, but f**k you, I was watching Blue Blazer talk to Kevin Kelly about the value of drinking milk when Owen was falling to his death on pay-per-view and reserve the right to think it continues to be bullsh*t when WWE announcers evoke that tone to make hokey nonsense like a Zack Ryder chokeslam to Hell seem serious because they only use it to make hokey nonsense like a Zack Ryder chokeslam to Hell seem serious.
That is all.
Worst: Melodramatic Eve
Remember last week when I attempted to give Ryder and Eve credit for taking a gentler touch with their characters? Yeah, forget I typed that. Between Ryder’s WOO WOO WOO, YOU KNOW YOU SHOULDN’T INTERFERE and Eve sweding All My Children as Ryder was being taken away in an ambulance, this was one of the worst weeks ever for WWE acting. It was legitimately worse than Derrick Bateman yelling WAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT, THIS MUST ENDDD as he powerwalked to the ring to break up a wedding on a wedding episode of NXT that is neither intentionally compelling nor the longest running weekly episodic program in anything history.
I will give her a small Best for looking nice, because she looked very nice. Two things Eve should never do: 1) wear bangs, because they make her look like she’s wearing a wig, 2) wear wrestling gear, because it makes her look like she’s supposed to be a wrestler.
Best: Josh Mathews Is A Little Douchebag
When Justin O’Connor filled in for me on the 12/19 edition of Best And Worst, he got to mention what a little asshole Josh Mathews was for prodding Big Show about his 45 second championship reign, not even really asking him questions, just sorta going “man, you really f**ked up, huh” over and over until Show wandered away crying.
That Josh Mathews appeared again last night, showing up after John Cena just watched his friend get chokeslammed through a stage and dragged away in an ambulance to not even ask him a question, just say “John, you’ve got to feel awful about this” and pointing a microphone in his face. What a little f**king asshole. Cena did the right thing by not answering him, just turning around and knocking the microphone out of his hand. I assume Mathews scurried, though we didn’t see it. Then, poopies were maed.
BEST: JOHN CENA, THE SCOURGE OF CARPATHIA, THE SORROW OF MOLDAVIA, COMMANDS YOU
YES YES COMMAND ME LORD
Again, hopefully this’ll go somewhere cool, and not involve Zack Ryder and Eve spraying the insides of The Big Show with slime and piloting him down to the ring so the good natures and high spirits of the WWE Universe can teach Cena to love again.
Editor’s Note: I think Cena’s Embrace Hate Face is the closest a WWE Superstar has come to knocking Maria’s “wait, did I just get dumped” face from Raw a few years ago as the worst imaginable wrestling acting. Source:
OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN
Editor’s Note #2: It goes together pretty well, actually.
Worst: And Now, Here’s A Foreign Guy
Why am I even linking this?
Raise your hand if you ever want to see another Jinder Mahal match. Now raise your hand if you think Sheamus should be doing something more interesting than kicking the same scowling brown guy every week. The only way it could be salvaged at this point is if Jinder did a sit-down interview with Jim Ross where he burst into tears and admitted he’s angry because he just wants to be great and white. Wait, did I say “salvaged”?
Best: Wade. They Don’t Love You Like I Love You.
The Sheamus/Jinder Mahal match was almost (almost) saved by the continuing efforts of the Barret Barrage. Wade didn’t say anything particularly interesting this week (and was severely, severely overshadowed by another British guy doing guest commentary on the next match) but no appearance of Wade, Wade’s hair and Wade’s jacket should happen without me Besting it. I especially liked him signaling that he was ready to get into it with Sheamus by putting his jacket on the apron, then taking it back.
Sheamus gets a secondary worst for needed to add “match” to the end of his OYM GONNA WIN THE ROYAL RUMBLE screaming so we’d know he meant “the staggered-entry battle royal” and not “the entire pay-per-view, including all title matches and the embracing of John Cena’s hate per the narrative”. That reeked of a pre-show memorandum. It sounded like he almost forgot it and didn’t want to get in trouble.
“OYM GONNA WIN THE ROYAL, RUMBLE! MATCHHH!”