Best: Royal Rumble By The Numbers
One: the number of Royal Rumble winners we can’t tell you about because they murdered their family.
Best: R-Truth Saving A Terrible Comedy Segment, But Just Barely
R-Truth showing up in a labcoat with a clipboard to tell Miz that he’s “number one… annoying! Number one … whining!” is exactly the kind of thing I was f**king terrified of when Truth came back as a good guy. I can justify to a family member who just entered the room why a crazy guy afraid to open a briefcase because it might contain spiders is funny, but that “you suck!” WWE punchline is the worst, and makes me cringe even thinking about explaining to someone why I’m watching it. Basically whenever a wrestler uses the word “jackass” it’s code for “a 13-year old wrote this, turn off your television immediately”.
Thankfully Truth saved it a little by acting like he’d broken character to be tough, then yelling MY NAME IS FLEISCHER and YOU BETTER GET IT RIGHT to stay in character while Miz shouted him down. He didn’t have to … he could’ve just yelled more about Miz being a jackass or whatever until Laurinaitis showed up sans jacket to break it up, but that touch showed commitment to the mentally-insane character we’ve grown to know and sometimes love.
Worst: Is There A Dead Funkasaurus In Captivity
Just wondering why Naomi and Cameron have to identify Brodus as “living, breathing” at the beginning of his intro. It’d be pretty funny if we jumped backstage to John Laurinaitis and David Otunga in goggles and labcoats, poking at Viscera or whoever in a tracksuit, trying to figure out what made him tick.
Best: The Funkasaurus Is The Gift That Keeps On Giving, Gets William Regal On Television
I can’t even call him “Brodus Clay” anymore, he’s just the Funkasaurus. Knowing how much WWE hates first and last names he’ll probably be Just Funkasaurus sooner or later.
Anyway, the best part of the Funkasaurus so far is that he gets William Regal back on non-Internet-only WWE television, and for that I’m grateful. I feel like the true sign of whether or not you’re a “smark” to people is whether or not you love Regal. I don’t see how you couldn’t — he’s the best actor employed by pro wrestling possibly ever, he’s one of the most clever and well spoken, he makes what happens in the ring look brutal and real. He’s responsible for Daniel Bryan wearing burgundy trunks. He’s not afraid to dance around with Cryme Tyme or shoot out-dance a Funkafuckingsaurus on cable television.
He (and Goldust, for that matter) shouldn’t have to push online petitions to get title matches, they should be the guys wrestling for the titles every week, making guys like Punk and Daniel Bryan look like monsters so guys like Big Show and Dolph Ziggler seem more important. Also, when William Regal is not on screen, all the other characters should be asking “hey, where’s William Regal?”
Best: Regal Quoting Grandmaster F**king Flash
Skip to the 0:35 mark. I thought Matt Striker making incessant Smiths references on ECW was the closest thing we were gonna get to a William Regal masterclass on the history of popular music, but here we are. Let him talk, let him wrestle, let him be a thing that never goes away. I am not making jokes here.
Best: Cameron Is About To Discover Better Matches Than Melina Vs. Alicia Fox
okay, I’ll make a few jokes
The only thing better than
1. Funkasaurus funkasaurusing all over the place
2. Heath Slater getting TV time
3. the aforementioned William Regal by way of The Smoking Section
4. Brodus Clay not being able to “get out of his bloody trousers”
5. Regal comparing Brodus Clay’s body to a walrus giving birth
is William Regal assuring us that the Funkettes are into him and would prefer him to be their dance partner. Let’s not forget Regal’s preferences from that glorious time period when he and Layla were a duo. Argh, I loved them so much. I wanted them to be my parents.
Anyway, yes, William Regal bagging the Funkettes is the new Ricardo Rodriguez nailing the Bella Twins and I hope it gives Brodus Clay something to do … because as much as I love the Funkasaurus (and as much as I love lower-tier WWE guys like JTG and Heath Slater getting matches on Raw), he needs to actually DO stuff soon.