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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 1/23/12: Don’t Break My Back, Bro

By / 01.24.12

little-jimmy-shirt

Worst: The Little Jimmy Shirt

You’d think I’d give this a best, but … well, I can’t. A few reasons.

1. It messes with the vibe of the character. Sorta like how the lab research bit undermined Truth’s ability to appear legitimately insane, him dancing out with a shirt that says LITTLE JIMMY SAYS… YOU GON GET GOT! makes him seem less like a crazy man seeing people and hearing voices and more like a guy doin’ a fun thing for all the folks t’enjoy~! I don’t think Truth should be aware of Jimmy as a popular thing, nor do I believe he should suddenly be cool with Jimmy’s modus operandi … Jimmy loves John Cena, right? Jimmy is the one who wants him to sing and dance and be a Gooooooood R-Truth. Jimmy is the BAD GUY. And sure, sometimes I could buy Truth hearing what Little Jimmy says and agreeing with it (when it’s about people like Miz), but no, they shouldn’t be pals.

2. Maybe Parks and Recreation ruined me forever, but I thought it was Lil’ Jimmy, not “little”.

3. I can’t look at that shirt without expecting it to give me upgrades in Fallout.

Worst: R-Truth And The Miz Aren’t Ever Going To Recover From Survivor Series, Are They

Overall, I thought the wrestling on last night’s show was terrible. Just that same boring sorta headlock each other into back elbows, get dumped to the outside for crash-to-break, hit our finishers out of nowhere stuff they do when they’ve hit a creative rut and/or Triple H is looming above the arena like the f**king devil looming over Faust’s village. Truth and Miz were sort of capping off their month-long feud with a match to determine who’d be the #1 entrant in the Royal Rumble, and all I could think about was Survivor Series, and how they main-evented it but seemed like the least important people in history doing it, and how ever since then I haven’t been able to muster a thought about the Miz other than “you look like Howard the Duck” and have only thought about Truth when I was worried what they were doing to his heel character.

That’s bad, isn’t it? I like to believe I’m aware enough of WWE storytelling to look beyond stuff like “pushes” and “being used right” and all that bullsh*t people complain about when Joe Indy Wrestler gets a job in WWE and isn’t immediately champion, or IS champion and doesn’t stay that way forever. I like to think that I can watch a bad story or a bad match and be enlightened enough to say, “okay, let’s see what you can do now”. For whatever reason I can’t move past Survivor Series, and it still feels like Cena and the Rock are standing in the middle of the ring tossing gay slurs at each other while I desperately flail for a handhold.

Oh My God, The Worst: A BROKEN BACK, Are You Serious Bro

Lord.

The report back from the Local Medical Facility© told us that Zack Ryder had suffered a BROKEN BACK at the hands of Kane. That means he’s kayfabe out of action for what… at least eight months? Realistically longer. And yeah, they told us to stay tuned for WWE.com for updates and I’m sure they’ve already put up something like “it’s not as bad as we thought, he’s just got deep bruising and will be okay by Sunday, probably sooner” or whatever and he’ll show up at the Royal Rumble with TWO rolls of tape around his stomach, but a BROKEN BACK? That’s where you went?

The worst part of it (besides them being too phoned out to come up with something better than “a broken back”) is Lawler prefacing it with “I’ve just received an update on Zack Ryder’s medical condition and it could not be worse”. Well, he could be DEAD. And if you’re gonna break peoples’ backs in falls count anywhere matches, what the hell’s the harm in taking it there? Zack Ryder is dead, everybody.

john-laurinaitis-robe

Best: Dr. Death John Laurinaitis

Seriously, he couldn’t think of any worse news. How about “you’re being taken to court for raping and sodomizing a 15-year old girl”. Or Zack Ryder could be dead.

Anyway, with Alberto Del Rio on el estante it’s nice to have a guy on Raw I can arbitrarily give Bests to. If the tweets about how nice the announcers’ chairs are didn’t sway you, perhaps you’d like to look at this picture of John Laurinaitis prepping for his match against CM Punk wearing what is either a choir robe or a leftover from the Brawl For All with a pink skateboard in the background that reads BIG JOHNNY being used to prop up his tree.

The only Worst here is that he didn’t get to use them.

Worst: LOL, A Fax

How funny is it that the constantly-texting-and-tweeting guy who may or may not have been the voice of a sentient laptop general manager receives breaking news in the most old fashioned ways possible? I don’t know if they’re doing it on purpose, but he got news of his upcoming evaluation via fax. FAX. And last week he got back Zack Ryder’s medical clearance results via… I don’t know, courier? David Otunga handed them to him in a shipping envelope, they could’ve been from anywhere. I want him to sign a cage match between CM Punk and Mark Henry for next week only to find out he can’t go through with it at the last minute when a carrier pigeon flies into the room and drops a scroll in his lap.


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TOPICS#BEST AND WORST OF RAW#WWE
TAGSBRODUS CLAYCHRIS JERICHOCM PUNKDAVID OTUNGADOLPH ZIGGLEREVE TORRESFUNKASAURUSHEATH SLATERJACK SWAGGERJERRY LAWLERJINDER MAHALJohn CenaJOHN LAURINAITISJOSH MATHEWSKANEMARIA KANELLISPRO WRESTLINGR-TRUTHROYAL RUMBLESHEAMUSTHE MIZWADE BARRETTWILLIAM REGALWWE ROYAL RUMBLEZACK RYDER

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