Best: R-Truth’s Interpretation Of What Constitutes A Jimmy
I’m not really okay with the crowd clapping and cheering for the announcement that R-Truth is one of the people who will compete for the WWE Championship at the Elimination Pay-Per-View, but I enjoy his commitment to never quite laying out the specifics of what Little Jimmy is all about. “I TALK TO LITTLE JIMMY, I DON’T TALK ABOUT HIM.”
That’s wonderful. I like the idea that R-Truth lives in a world where he assumes Little Jimmy is a figment of his imagination and uses him as a broad example of the things he needs to express (like “people who cheer for Cena”) but doesn’t understand why people think that’s weird. Like he’s stuck in some sort of purgatory where he sees ghosts and can’t convince Tea Leoni or whoever that her ex is RIGHT HERE and wants to tell her something.
Worst: Kofi Kingston Adding Fetch Quests To WWE ’13
The going theory is that either
1. Kofi Kingston and WWE Magazine held another one of those “design your own Kofi Kingston gear and he’ll wear it” contests, but only 15 people read WWE Magazine so they only got a few submissions, and one kid just drew the Riddler on the page and sent it in and sadly that was the best so here’s Kofi Kingston in Riddler underwear, or
2. Miz has the worst rogues gallery ever. R-Truth is his Clayface (showing up in different outfits to play mind games with him, jumping him from behind), I guess Alex Riley is what, Prometheus? He stole data about everyone else’s finishing moves but you can beat him by kicking in the nuts. If you bring Evan Bourne back with a Clock King gimmick I will buy your next 12 pay-per-views.
Best: Even The Matches We’ve Seen A Billion Times Are Pretty Good Tonight
We’ve seen The Miz wrestle everyone on Raw to the point of nausea (and don’t get me started on Kofi Kingston), but their match got going pretty well near the end, possibly on the backs of a crowd who got two great matches in a row and are hot as sh*t. Giving Kofi cool athletic spots and basic, important wins to make him seem like something other than the Rob Van Dam Memorial Spot-Doer (thanks, comments section) in the Elimination Chamber is a great idea.
Worst: Enjoy This Rapist, Everybody!
whew, this column is getting preachy
Anyway, much in the same way that if you brutally beat a woman you shouldn’t be allowed to be a “sex symbol” anymore (Chris Brown) and in the way that you shouldn’t be able to say you “paid your debt to society” by serving a brief prison sentence of racketeering and not actually for the systematic and heartless murder of dogs for sport and profit (Michael Vick), raping and beating ladies should prohibit you from getting into any Hall of Fame. I was gonna type “I guess actually KILLING them is where they draw the line”, but no, Jimmy Snuka’s in there too.
So whatever. The WWE Hall Of Fame is a thank you card from a guy who made a living arbitrarily deciding bullsh*t and doesn’t matter. Drew Carey, Pete Rose, Vince McMahon’s limo driver something something Randy Savage something something.
Best: David Otunga’s Concerns Match His Travel Thermos