Best: Chris Jericho, Brought To Approximate Tears
If you weren’t around for the show or the Open Discussion Thread we had, Chris Jericho did exactly the same thing this week as he did in his re-redebut, except this time he got choked up and faked crying for a minute before wandering to the back. Somehow the addition of being moved to tears without actually crying tears has made his trolling of the WWE Universe even more epic, and I hope they do this exact same gag in front of every single live crowd until the cheers stop.
There’s been a lot of “but next week he’s got to talk or it’s ruined!” talk, but no, he doesn’t. He just needs to keep that jacket on and sparkle it long enough for us to forget wrestling isn’t happening and be okay with it. I think I’m already there.
Best: Barry Windham > Ole Anderson
“The Four Horsemen” are the second (or fourth, if you’re counting) Hall Of Fame inductee for 2012, and while I would’ve preferred an individual induction for Arn Anderson (and Tully Blanchard, and Barry Windham) I like it. It gets a bunch of guys into legends contracts (or however it works), gets Barry Windham at least a little bit of the recognition he deserves and never gets and gives J.J. Dillion and Ric Flair (especially Flair) a chance to stop slumming it for five minutes and wear a tuxedo to a thing.
I had a brief discussion about this last night, but I’m happier with the Barry Windham version going in than the Ole Anderson version. Sure, Ole was first, and yeah, Ole’s issues with WWE contributed more to the Barry version going in than Barry himself, but as the Best explains, Barry Windham is better than Ole Anderson. Like, in a walk. In fact, here’s a quick list from an educated child of the NWA on how good the Horsemen were and where they objectively rank. Official Horsemen, at least.
1. Ric Flair, obviously
2. Barry Windham, because I didn’t see Arn and Tully holding the NWA World Heavyweight Championship
3. Arn Anderson
4. Tully Blanchard, but just barely below Arn, because Tully had “tully” embroidered on his cuffs
5. [name omitted]
6. Sid, because f**k you Sid Vicious rules the world
Good, But Not Great For Specific Reasons
7. Lex Luger
8. Brian Pillman, who was great but less so as a Horseman
9. Ole Anderson, who basically served to stomp a lot in gang attacks and was 400 years old when the Horsemen became a thing
10. Dean Malenko
11. Stupid Sting being stupid
12. Curt Hennig for like a week
Dear God No
13. Jeff Jarrett
14. Paul Roma
15. J.J. Dillion in matches where he’d get his clothes ripped off and be wearing women’s underwear for some reason
16. (nevermind all that sh*t, here comes) Steve “Mongo” McMichael
I would show you my nWo list, but I think my hand would break.
Worst: Eve Torres Suddenly Forgetting How Ropes Work
Anyway, this is where the show goes from “pretty bad but entertaining in a confusing way” to “actually really bad”. I’m giving it a worst, but one of my favorite moments of the night was when Eve came to the ring to wrestle Beth Phoenix (the Divas Champion) for a shot at the Divas Championship (ugh) only to be interrupted by Kane. Well, Kane’s music and Red Light Special. Eve gets so scared by this that she cannot figure out how to escape the ring and drops to her knees, sorta scooting around reaching for the ropes. Eve literally cannot figure out how to escape an enclosed space with NO WALLS. Eventually an errant leg or whatever goes under the rope and she escapes, but for 15 or so blissful seconds she was rendered incompetent by a Jim Johnston melody. That sh*t is like ‘Gloomy Sunday’.
A small supplementary best goes to that kid on the end of the aisle who reached out his hand to try to get a high-five from Eve as she was fleeing for her life.
Worst: You Have Put On A Kane Mask And Climbed Into The Casket To F**k The Brains Out Of My Suspension Of Disbelief
Zack Ryder leads Eve out to the parking lot, to the exact spot where Kane had fought with Cena earlier in the night, and finds the tires of his car slashed. Well, one of them, I think. So Eve gets into the car and Zack starts trying to remove lugnuts by just sorta willing a wrench in their direction, jacking the car up with Eve in it screaming C’MON ZACK COME ONNNNN instead of, I don’t know, getting out and helping for fear that KANE could be nearby and murder her or realsies because his music played in the arena and that exclusively means murder.
Important: you cannot use horror movie rules in non-horror movie situations.
Case in point, there is NO F**KING REASON for Zack Ryder and Eve to spend a commercial break and the entirety of a Dolph Ziggler/John Cena match sitting in the parking lot repeatedly yelling THE CAR WON’T START to each other while Jacob Evil crouches on their roof like the goddamn Jeepers Creeper, waiting for them to slip up. A few ideas, just off the top of my head:
1. Go back into the arena, call a cab, wait for it near security or the other wrestlers. John Cena is not the only other person in WWE, guys, I’m sure Evan Bourne would have a smoke with you or whatever while you waited.
2. Run somewhere. Two trained athletes can run at least a mile or two in the time it took Ryder to change a tire.
3. Go stand in the crowd. “Monster From Hell” or not, wrestling bad guys can’t do sh*t to you in the crowd, because hurting more than one fan gets them in actual trouble. This is why so many babyfaces throughout the years have won their matches and sauntered out into the crowd to celebrate — the bad guy can only hold his jaw and think “grrr I’m gonna get you” from the ring.
4. BUY A GUN, SHOOT KANE, HE TRIED TO LITERALLY DRAG YOU TO HELL, USE A KNIFE AND STAB HIM IN HIS FACE