Best: Dolph Ziggler Is Trying To Make This Something
Poor guy. Raw had fallen off the deep end with Zack Ryder’s adventures in the Auto Club, and Dolph Ziggler had no choice but to wrestle admirably until John Cena was drawn into things and chose to ignore him in favor of hacky stunt violence. Ziggler did his best, even trying to keep Cena in the ring when he started to bail, but it didn’t work — he was such an afterthought to the main storyline that cameras didn’t even stay on him to see if he’d gotten back into the ring for a count-out win. They just cut away, and I guess somebody’s gonna tell me the bell never rang so there was never officially a match underway during that five minutes wherein they wrestled.
Dolph Ziggler is good at this. Two examples:
Best Best: The Headstand Chinlock
Additional Best Best: Crunches Mid-Elbows
Wrestlers doing a bunch of moves in a row, then stopping to taunt in a ridiculous fashion before continuing is a time honored tradition. Ziggler’s American Psycho elbow drops are my new favorite non-headstand-centric wrestling move.
p.s. Vickie’s face
Worst: Okay, Are We Just Gonna Forget About That Sleeper, Because … Okay, Well, Bye
And yeah, John Cena doesn’t always consider how wrestling is supposed to work outside of the parts when he’s getting hurt. I sh*t on him (and others) a lot for purposefully not selling on offense, but there’s a huge difference in a guy working your leg until you build up the adrenaline and courage to fight back on the leg no matter what and THIS honky nonsense with Cena being in a sleeper for like two minutes because he had to run to the back and fight Kane.
Like… I’m not asking for much here, can’t you just hold your head or something when you run? Wait, what’re you… what’re you doing?
Best: John Cena As Scott Evil
Nobody as fit as John Cena should run like that. Although it does help explain why he jumps like a dog.
Worst: You Brought Him All The Way Out Here To Glovemouth Him Again?
I thought it was dumb the first time he did it, but I’m getting pretty sick and f**king tired of Kane smothering people with his hand. If you can incapacitate the strongest guy on the roster by covering his mouth for a few seconds, why don’t you do it to everyone? Why doesn’t EVERYONE do it to everyone? Is the glove dipped in ether? Is he stinkpalming him in the mouth? What’s going on?
Furthermore, why did Kane have to lure John Cena into the parking lot to glovemouth him? Did he expect Cena to not SEE him chokeslam Ryder onto the unforgiving wooden concrete and just stumble upon him later, and then Cena showed up and he had to improvise? There are pipes and machinery and cars and wooden shards and sh*t everywhere, dude, you don’t have to pinch his nostrils together like you’re bro-pranking him awake from a nap every single time.
Best: So Is Eve Dead Or What
The follow-up to Eve being trapped in a ring that is 80% empty space has to be Eve getting put into the car by Ryder and staying there until the end of the show without reference. I know Eve is a lady, and that WWE ladies are afraid of being hurt (© Beth Phoenix), but couldn’t she have gotten out and ran, or thrown some of her sh*tty kicks? Pick up that crowbar, Cena didn’t bring it in with him. She just sat there ineffectually until everyone (including Kane) forgot her, and the only proper follow-up can be three weeks from now when Kelly Kelly’s scheduled for a tag match and looks around for Eve all show, and we jump cut back to the American Bank Center in Corpus Christi and Ryder’s rental car is still there with a skeleton in the passenger’s seat.
Anyway, that was our show, and hopefully the lateness of this column will clue you in to how I felt about it. In conclusion, here’s what you thought: my ten favorite comments from last night’s WWE Raw open discussion thread:
Heel Kane = Rapings and attempted murder
Heel Daniel Bryan = Being really excited
I really liked the Brodus Clay debut because I always wondered what happened to Noticeably F.A.T. after “The Luck of the Fryish”
seancollierpgh, who had no idea how correct he was:
Brodus Clay debuts now.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have arrived at the fireworks factory.
so basically the writers room in WWE is 4chan now?
Somewhere 2 Cold Scorpio is 450ing in his grave.
Robert Denby with Too Many Simpsons References:
“R Truth, I mock your value system. You also appear foolish to the eyes of others.”
Lester, pointing out an awesome thing about Chris Jericho I forgot to Best:
His titantron video is literally ONLY clips from last week!
My theory is Jericho is having mini-strokes every time he gets a “Y2J” chant, and is trying desperately to relearn language on the spot.
seancollierpgh and mike_a making me laugh out loud:
Dude Ryder just call a cab. It is your first date, and also someone is trying to killrape you. CALL A CAB.
Kane is driving the cab!!!!!
I always wondered what WCW would look like in 2012.
See you guys next week. Or will I.