Best: Bob Backlund = Always A Best
If the Best And Worst Of Things That Have Happened In The Past becomes a regular feature, get ready for every single Bob Backlund appearance to warrant a “Best”. Playing chess with Jonathan Taylor Thomas at Wrestlemania and telling him not to “exacerbate” him? Check. Looking like the biggest nerd of all time standing next to prime era Ric Flair? Check. Exiting through the crowd when he gets eliminated from the Royal Rumble? Come on.
Bob Backlund is one of those wrestlers you hate when you’re a 13 year old wrestling fan and your grandma gives you a BEST OF GOLDEN AGE WRASSLIN VHS or whatever and everything is slow and full of headlocks and matches end on dropkicks. When you get older, your taste starts to evolve, and Backlund is like a fine wine … he’s like John Laurinaitis’ general manager character put into the body of early WWF Kurt Angle. He’s the anti-wrestler, the anti-Hogan before Hogan was Hogan, the most whitebread Bruno Sammartino ever. He’s hilarious and just the absolute best.
Fun fact: I learned the names of the U.S. Presidents in order, just in case I ever meet Backlund and want his autograph.
Best: Random Royal Rumble Run-Ins
WWF had so many guys at this point that they could book repeated run-ins from guys who weren’t in the Rumble (which is weird, because they let people from the undercard in in their place, but whatever). These were:
1. The Mean Street Posse’s magnificent asses running in to attack the Acolytes for reasons I don’t completely remember and being promptly eliminated.
2. Kai En Tai running in to attack … well, almost anyone, and getting eliminated in spectacular fashion. In fact, after “Tazz debuted” I think the most identifiable and remembered moment of this show was TAKA Michinoku flipping over the top rope and faceplanting on the concrete. They showed it like a hundred times. Here:
They always made sure to say sh*t like SAYONARA TAKA~ so you knew that they weren’t just eliminated, they were Oriental. FUNAKI ELIMINATED WITH A THUNDEROUS CHING AND CHONG, KING.
Worst: Great, More Chyna
Don’t feel bad, Joanie, I’m making that same face.
Since I’ve already talked about Chyna way more than I’d like, her entrance theme (which is not by Lisa Stansfield, sadly) says: “Don’t treat me like a woman. Don’t treat me like a man. Don’t treat me like you know me. Treat me for just who and what I am.” That, and “I’m so much more”, are the only lyrics in the entire song, leading us after ten years of seeing her train wreck to conclude that:
1. Chyna is gender non-specific
2. What Chyna is is unable to be known
3. Chyna is so much more than this
with “this” being… a wrestler, I guess? Does “being able to blow two dudes at once” constitute “so much more”?
Best: Road Dogg Playing Road Opossum
Road Dogg apparently gets injured during this match, but he has to stick around long enough to be eliminated by Billy Gunn to start THAT alternate timeline of horrendous bullsh*t, so instead of walking/standing/royal battling he just lies down near the corner and wraps his arms and legs around the bottom rope. In addition to being sorta precious, it is effective, and he hangs in there for almost twenty minutes.
If he shows up in the 2012 Rumble and does the same thing, I’ll give him a best.
Worst: Al Snow’s Lady Singlet
Way to let Shawn Michaels pick out your wrestling gear for the night, Al, you look like one of the f**king Jumping Bomb Angels.