Best: Giant Bernard!
I love Albert almost as much as I hate Test. WWF/E does one of two things with big men:
1. They hire untalented big guys and put them on TV as soon as possible and hope for the best, because hey, maybe they’ll turn out to be good at this. Sometimes it works (Batista) and sometimes it doesn’t (Mason Ryan, Jackson Andrews).
2. They hire talented big guys and DON’T do anything with them, expecting them to somehow become successful and popular on their own, which doesn’t make any sense because that is your job (Albert, Mike Knox).
Thankfully Albert has found another life as New Japan Pro Wrestling’s Giant Bernard and left the world of arriving in and suddenly leaving the WWE on loop behind, but I just wanted to put this here to remind you that at one point in time WWF hired a 6-foot-7, 350-pound monster with a college education and decided his gimmick should be “dick ring”.
Best: This Specific Whore
My quick thoughts on the Godfather: “I sure do love being socially and emotionally controlling to these women!” is probably the least okay WWF gimmick of all time, or at least on the list between “guy in ball gag” and “Muslim wrestler ordering beheadings”, and if you cheered for the Godfather you have bad taste in wrestling and should be ashamed of yourself.
That being said, look at this whore:
If you are or know who this specific prostitute is (a New York area stripper, I’m guessing?), please contact me, because I have thought you were hot for like a decade and need some masturbatory closure.
Worst: Big Show’s Southern Rock Hair
Way to let Shawn Michaels braid your hair before you entered the Royal Rumble, Big Show.
I thought seeing Kurt Angle with hair was gonna be a notable thing, but seeing Big Show with show dog hair is way worse. Going bald was one of his better decisions.
Worst: That’s Gotta Be… That’s GOTTA BE Kane’s Nipple
And speaking of guys who
1. Haven’t gotten any better in 12 years
2. make bad decisions
here’s one of the worst of Kane’s outfits, the one where he put just enough mesh in the chest so you could see his nipples.
I know they eventually just came out and said that his scarring was “emotional” or whatever and not physical, but they hadn’t established that here, and they spent the two years or whatever before this and like five years after it slowly taking off Kane’s clothes. At first it was just an exposed arm, then it was exposed arm with mesh chest, then a mesh tanktop. I thought they were gonna have him come out in a headband and some transparent Mr. Ass pants at some point.
Worst: We Messed Up The Finish, Let’s Just Mess Up The Next Three Months Too
I’m not the NetCop. I’m not even a NetSecurity Guard. I don’t know if The Rock actually messed up by letting his feet drag on the ground when Big Show tried to eliminate him or if they used that as an excuse for a story they were gonna tell anyway, but Rock not cleanly eliminating Big Show from the 2000 Royal Rumble led to my second or third least favorite Triple H-centric Wrestlemania main-event ever: H vs. Show vs. Rock vs. Mick Foley, a month after Foley had “retired”, featuring a heel victory and Mick taking one of the worst elbows to the side of a static table failure bumps ever.
It’s a good reminder that on even the best shows, featuring even the best matches, happening during the best time period for one of the most popular wrestling companies in the world, wrestling is bad. Stuff happens that unknowingly sets up years and years of sadness. Rock’s feet dragging leads to a bad Wrestlemania. Jeff Hardy getting bashed in the head leads to him painting quadrants of his face in pastels so he can battle Jeff Jarrett for supremacy of whatever. Kurt Angle takes a cool bump, then takes that same bump in decreasing coolness and increasing life danger for a decade.
So what does that leave us?
I guess I don’t know. But I know that Triple H vs. Cactus Jack match is worth at least a few years of bad main events. I know that the tag team tables match will always play well for me, no matter what Matt Hardy does to his hair. I know that Brian Christopher was the most popular person in New York City for a night, that Big Show once had a glorious head of hair and that even a prostitute can be beautiful. So wrestling can’t be so bad, can it?
I want more like this!
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