Best: The Only Thing Worse Than The Road Dogg Is People Cheering For The Road Dogg
These guys are so awesome. Nice WWF New York hockey jersey, guy. The camera cuts to them calmly mouthing along with the Road Dogg’s monologue, then crotch-chopping sorta inadvertently as their voice picks up. Nothing says Attitude Era wrestling like “memorizing long-winded speeches that are always the same”. I would be f**king shocked if either of these guys still watched wrestling.
Worst: Pre-Crisis Bradshaw
My favorite WWE title match of all time, at least now that Benoit did that thing he did with those people, is JBL vs. Eddie Guerrero at Judgment Day 2004. It’s probably my favorite match ever. Eddie bleeds to the point of surrealism and exemplifies almost every single thing that is or can be good in fake fighting, largely in part to the work of Bradshaw, who sorta anchors the affair and not only gives Eddie Guerrero the impetus to act, he beats the dogsh*t out of him.
So I don’t like looking back on the Bradshaw before JBL, where he was just this big, sorta fat-bodied guy with crop circles on his manboobs and pentagrams on his pants because he was super vanilla boring and needed to enjoy Undertaker’s heat by proxy. The Acolytes are one of my least favorite teams of all time because they just never seemed like wrestlers… they seemed like “tough” guys who just kinda picked you up and dropped you, and there was no athleticism or real power or real oomph outside of working stiff for stupid reasons to anything they did. A team like the Road Warriors had a spirit behind their hoss violence. Williams and Gordy looked like they could legitimately kill you if you crossed them. Faarooq and Bradshaw were just there.
Pre-PRE Crisis Bradshaw was even worse. The guy royall f**ked up “cowboy” and “occultist”, which are like the two easiest wrestling gimmicks. Thank God he didn’t f**k up “rich guy”, too.
Worst?: All 45 Seconds Of This Tag Titles Match
All I can remember from the Acolytes vs. New Age Outlaws match, even after watching it a second time, is how fast it goes by. That’s usually a compliment for a match, like how Samoa Joe vs. Kenta Kobashi goes 25 minutes or whatever and plays like it ends in 10. That’s not the case, here. This match is sorta the “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” by Deep Blue Something of wrestling matches. It’s so boring, you may forget wrestling is even happening.
It’s better than I remember it, though. The Outlaws are crazy over for almost their entire run, and Billy Gunn and Road Dogg really do play out like a modern day R-Truth and Dolph Ziggler team, with Dogg doing his dumb moves that don’t hurt and Gunn having blonde hair and a famous ass.
Worst: Have A Bad (DX) Day
At least now we have a precedent to explain why Inside Out was so bad.
What the hell kind of accent is he going for there, Groucho Marx or Boss Hogg? This video is proof that even WWF/E’s best pay-per-view buildups involve a lot of extrangeous bullsh*t we could live without. The pay-per-view itself opens with a great THEY SAY YOU’RE TRIPLE H, THEY SAY YOU’RE CACTUS JACK, THEY SAY YOU’RE HARDCORE, THEY SAY YOU CAN’T BE BEATEN thing that instantly sets the mood for a bloody war between a guy who can take all the punishment in the world and a guy who won’t stop destroying, and STILL there’s Triple H in a fake nose and glasses as a … what, as a jew? Yelling at Mideon as Mankind in insider termz.
Wrestling has NEVER been good, everybody.
Best: Stephanie McMahon, Before That One Guy Made Her Feel Bad
She was adorable. And I’m not up on my Internet gossip or anything, but if that story about her getting a boob job because a guy in the crowd had a sign about how her natural boobs were saggy (or she was fat, or something stupid) is true, I want to put that guy in handcuffs and use the inside of my legs to force his head into thumbtacks.