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The Dugout: The Comeback Pool

By / 01.20.12
manny-ramirez-fausto-carmona-dugout

hey guys, what's going on in this chatroom


After a brief hiatus caused by me doing this goddamn comic strip seven years in a row without stopping and needing a break inactivity in the world of baseball, The Dugout is back and ready to tackle the tough issues, such as Manny Ramirez going swimming with a bunch of old people in a T.O.-esque attempt to show he’s still athletic and able to play professional sports.

As we build to the greatest day of the year (pitchers and catchers report~), we’ll go back and touch on some of the stories we may’ve missed, like Jim Thome getting traded to Philadelphia, Kyle Farnsworth miraculously not being traded anywhere and Brian Wilson putting on spandex that looks like a tuxedo so people will write about him when he does his dishes. We’ll also become increasingly obsessed with Albert Pujols, despite his entire story being “I’m great at baseball so whatever, I’ll go play it for a billion dollars somewhere”. We may also write about Dan Quisenberry, even if you don’t give a righteous f**k who that is.

Anyway, welcome back to the weirdest, most well-established, most sorta-racist fictional world in pro sports reporting. Today’s Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

 

** Online Host **
Welcome to the Senior Citizens Gated Community Spa Swimming Pool Chatroom!

 
MannyTheTorpedoes: nyah hee hee nyah /splashes around in duck floaties  

Ethel: excuse me, son

I think you may be in the wrong place, this is an aquatic exercise class.

 
MannyTheTorpedoes: manny bein granny  
Ethel: What are you wearing on your head?  

MannyTheTorpedoes: adull diper /

 
MannyTheTorpedoes: i needit somthin to catch my doo  
Ethel: Well, that’ll do it.  
MannyTheTorpedoes: im praticin in swimmeng pool so busselig will lemme back into beisbol  
Ethel: You play baseball? Why won’t they let you play baseball?  
MannyTheTorpedoes: there mean  
MannyTheTorpedoes: also cause i did drogs an drogs is alegal, i did the strds an put all of them in my body, cream an clear, ate em up  
MannyTheTorpedoes: also i fleed the country so i woolent get caught  
MannyTheTorpedoes: also im like 46 yrs ol  
MannyTheTorpedoes: also i be my wife  
Ethel: I’m sorry?  
MannyTheTorpedoes: be her in the face w/ my hans — but case close because i close it  
Ethel: well I only understood about a third of that, but you seem like a nice young man, I’m sure you’ll be fine and they’ll let you play baseball again.  
MannyTheTorpedoes: i wan play spies an i wanna do it the righ way /voice trembles  
Ethel: Spies? What do spies do?  
MannyTheTorpedoes: THISSS /dunks old lady  
Ethel: glarble glarble glarghhh  
MannyTheTorpedoes: no today evil commonist!!! manny ramirez is back an he will protenct beisbol!!! /pulls old lady up from drowning hell  
Ethel: OH MY GOD YOU’RE A MONSTER, SECURITY  
MannyTheTorpedoes: /flees pool  
 

**Online Host**
Two hours later

 
MannyTheTorpedoes: im sorry ethel can u please give manny another chance at pool he want to do it righ, swim right for family /gets choked up  
Ethel: all right, you’re old and you tricked me and assaulted me and are wearing a diaper on your head, but you’re sorta interesting and good at swimming so here, come back in, all is forgiven  

MannyTheTorpedoes: yayayayaya /cannonballs into 3-foot-deep pool

 
MannyTheTorpedoes: this is so much better than dominican republic, for a secon i thot i was gon have to chain my name  
  **Online Host**
Meanwhile, in the Dominican Republic Chatroom…
 
BaseballScout: From now on, you’ll be Fausto Carmona in Cleveland, Ohio.  
BaseballScout: Let’s just practice a bit, hmm? When I say "here’s a 15 million dollar contract, Mr. Carmona", you’ll say "thanks".  
RobertoHeredia: Check.  
BaseballScout: Here’s a 15 million dollar contract, Mr. Carmona.  
RobertoHeredia: /stares blankly  
BaseballScout: Remember now, your name is Fausto Carmona.  
RobertoHeredia: I gotcha.  
BaseballScout: Here’s a 15 million dollar contract, Mr. Carmona.  
RobertoHeredia: /stares blankly  
  **Online Host**
A long time later…
 
BaseballScout: ughhhhh now when I say "here’s a 15 million dollar contract, Mr. Carmona" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod  
RobertoHeredia: No problem.  
BaseballScout: here’s a 15 million dollar contract mr. carmona /stomps foot repeatedly  
RobertoHeredia: /stares blankly  
RobertoHeredia: /walks 8 straight batters  
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com

TAGSBaseballCLEVELAND INDIANSFAUSTO CARMONAMANNY RAMIREZMANNY RAMIREZ RETIREMENTMLBOLD PEOPLESWIMMINGTAMPA BAY RAYSTHE DUGOUTTOO MANY SIMPSONS REFERENCES

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