Best: Beth Phoenix, Fashion Icon
After a 2011 mostly spent losing in 40-seconds-or-less to Alicias Fox and voicing her concerns about surprise buttsex in the workplace (at least I THINK that’s what she was worried about to Triple H), Beth Phoenix is winning me over again.
Last week on Raw Beth debuted her Ole Anderson-style iron-on shirts, and to top that at Elimination Pay-Per-View she paid tribute to the Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka V Rowdy Roddy Piper feud of yore by wearing tartan underpants. That is great for a number of increasingly obvious reasons, and yes, my band’s name is Tartan Underpants.
Best: Oh Hey, Women Are Pretty Good At This When You Let Them Be
Almost eight minutes.
That’s four times longer than the longest Divas match on Raw in like two years. That’s what Tamina Snuka and Beth Phoenix were given to make the Divas Championship seem like a thing, establish that Beth Phoenix can be dominant over actual pro wrestling competition and (hopefully) set her up on a one-way road to Kharma at Wrestlemania. And guess what? It was pretty good.
It wasn’t Kana vs. Sara Del Rey by a longshot, nor was it intended to be, nor SHOULD it be … it was proof that WWE employs women who can work a WWE style match and get a WWE crowd interested. As we’ve typed a hundred billion thousand million times, wrestlers with vaginas are just wrestlers and not “bad” or “boring” if they are allowed to do the one f**king thing they’re employed to do. Crowds will like it if you tell them it’s okay to like it. Little girls will grow up considering that they might not be a sideshow and little boys grow up into powerful women a la Ron Swanson and healthfully feed the cycle.
Worst case scenario, Beth avoids a farting gimmick for a few months.
Best: Team Laurinaitis Might As Well Be Team Brandon Stroud
Teddy Long, the guy who once had a heart attack during an in-ring wedding and has never had a more creative idea than “over the top rope challenge a week before the Royal Rumble”, wants to be the Smackdown General Manager. So does Executive Vice President Of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager Of Raw Mr. John Laurinaitis, and he’s enlisted the help of David Otunga, Christian, Mark Henry and Alberto Del Rio.
Quick, guess which side I’m on!
Team Laurinaitis takes the Uber Heel Stable idea of last year, replaces Jack Swagger with Mark f**king Henry and supplements a loss of Guerrero with a smiling, desperate-to-keep-his-job John Laurinaitis. I can’t imagine a group of guys I’d like more. It’s all of my favorite wrestlers in the same place, and if Cody Rhodes and Daniel Bryan decide to throw in with them on Tuesday for whatever reason (and assuming they’re an actual group, and not just four guys hanging out until the inevitable multi-man tag match for brand organizationship at Mania) I will buy their shirts and rep them forever.
Because seriously, if you’ve ever read my work and didn’t think this would be the best best of the show, come on:
Best: David Otunga, Forever And Ever
Pretty sure I would marry David Otunga at this point.
Worst: Santino Doing Literally Anything Backstage After 2008
I have some good things to write about Santino on the next page, but Jesus, watching Santino do anything backstage at this point is like staring into some f**ked-up 2001 space color-tunnel of WWE Creative.
It’s like they just put some props on a table (eggs, breath mints, cobra hand puppet) and yell ACTION~, and Santino’s got great comedic timing but literally nothing to work with except a funny accent and yeah, Screech’s Secret Sauce commercial was funny once but if they did it twice on every episode of ‘Saved By The Bell’, holy Hell. Maybe I’m just not the demographic for “foreign guy emulating popular movie vomits”.