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The Best And Worst Of WWE Elimination Chamber '12

By / 02.20.12

sheamus-daniel-bryan

Worst: They Don’t Really Know How Admirable People Behave, Do They

Sheamus has made it clear that he FOITS for a living because of how violently he was bullied as a child. This isn’t something I’m making up because I like justifying character motivations, this is canon. Sheamus is the guy in every Be A Star commercial saying ENOUF IS ENOUF.

Sheamus, the same guy from the last paragraph, made his Wrestlemania intentions known by attacking the smaller champion after he’d just competed in a goddamn Elimination Chamber match. I would die a happy man if I could Skype with Vince McMahon and just shout HAVE THE ROLE MODEL PEOPLE ACT LIKE DECENT F**KING HUMANS PLEASE until he responded with OKAY DAMMIT and had Sheamus just get in Bryan’s face and challenge him instead of this misguided problem punch-solving.

Wrestling is wrestling, but damn, there isn’t a guy on this show I could point to and say “this is how you should act, child watching the show with me”. Except maybe John Laurinaitis. I don’t know, he’s got friends, he’s got a great job and he’s only been kneed in the face once in the last year.

Worst: Uh Oh, Hornswoggle Is Backstage Eating Cheese

hornswoggle-eating-cheese

please don’t let this go where I think it’s going please don’t let this go where I think it’s going please don’t let this go where I think it’s going please don’t let this go where I think it’s going please don’t let this go where I think it’s going please don’t let this go where I think it’s going please don’t let this go where I think it’s going please don’t let this go where I think it’s going

natalya-hornswoggle

god dammit

WORST: Don’t Make Me Stop Watching Your Pay-Per-Views, Too

This is why I’ve stopped watching Smackdown.

To put things into a proper perspective, I’m happy that Natalya gets an (I assume) six-figure paycheck and a regular role on television. I think she’s a beautiful woman and a talented wrestler. I also know (as I’ve mentioned before) that wrestling is dumb, and for whatever reason a leprechaun in a cheese hat doesn’t offend me into boycott, but a woman worthy of derision because she can’t stop farting 24 hours a day does. I can’t really explain it, but I can try.

I don’t mind things being pointlessly stupid, but I hate it when they’re mean. It’s the problem I have with Punk and Rock whipping out homophobic slurs and just sorta being ignored for it because they’re cool and I’m taking things too seriously. They’re being mean, in a role that isn’t supposed to inspire meanness.

Good intentions or bad, making a woman whose family has a history of condescending midget parodies and literally-rolling-around-in-dog-sh*t fart every time she’s on TV because that will a) humiliate her or b) give her “character” so people will identify with her and cheer her (because I guess there’s more than one person in the world who can’t finish sentences because of their rampant foley sound effect farting) is a bad idea, a waste of time and an insult not only to the people performing it, but the people watching. It’s the 500th more humiliating thing Hornswoggle has done since signing on, but like I said, with a woman — especially this woman, a part of THIS family — seems mean.

The worst part is that lingering WWE thing where you know it isn’t going anywhere. It’s why we get so indignant when wrestlers and critics tell us to “wait and see where it goes”. It doesn’t go anywhere. It NEVER GOES ANYWHERE. Sure, maybe CM Punk and Kevin Nash is supposed to go somewhere, but “lady farting” isn’t. It’s just not. It’s not cool enough to be called “Wrestlecrap”, it’s not a disappointingly funny thing you can tack SNES music onto and wedge into a Botchamania. It’s just a pointless, mean waste of time.

You can do better. I’m talking to every single person involved.

jack-swagger-justin-gabriel

Worst, I Guess: Jack Swagger As United States Champion

lol

This was a fine way to spend two minutes, I guess (and good on Wolfman Panama Jack or whatever for getting a PPV payday), but raise your hand if you remembered Jack Swagger was the United States Champion before he said “I’m Jack Swagger, the United States Champion”.

Best: Michael Cole

Lawler: “What does a cougar use for pick a up line with a young guy like Swagger? What does Vickie say?”

Booker T: “I got money.”

Lawler: “I think she walks up and says, ‘Hey, you’re ugly, I’m ugly, we’re perfect together’.”

Cole: “Yeah, but, how would you know? You’ve never dated anyone older than you.”

I also would’ve accepted, “shut the f**k up, statutory rapist”, but +1 anyway.

john-cena-fcw

Best: F-C-DUB, F-C-DUB

Four things I loved about the John Cena Knows What Florida Championship Wrestling Is video package:

1. FCW is the best.

2. John Cena palling around with the lowest level WWE guys validates his whole dumb thing with Zack Ryder and makes him look infinitely cooler than basically any other hokey thing he’s ever done. F**k The Rock, he doesn’t even know who Randy Orton is.

3. It technically provides pay-per-view screen time for deserving gentlemen like that guy in the middle with the curly hair.

4. Is this the pre-Crisis WWE TV debut of Seth Rollins? Like when Vladimir Kozlov loved double-double-E or when Kurt Angle came out of the crowd to beat up Tiger Ali Singh?

They should expand this video package into a longer video package, then into a short program featuring FCW matches during Raw, then just show FCW instead of Raw.


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TOPICS#BEST AND WORST OF RAW#WWE
TAGSALBERTO DEL RIOBEST AND WORST OF ELIMINATION CHAMBERBETH PHOENIXBIG SHOWCHRIS JERICHOCHRISTIANCM PUNKCODY RHODESDaniel BryanDAVID OTUNGADOLPH ZIGGLERELIMINATION CHAMBERHORNSWOGGLEJACK SWAGGERJohn CenaJOHN LAURINAITISJUSTIN GABRIELKANEKOFI KINGSTONMARK HENRYNATALYAPRO WRESTLINGR-TRUTHSANTINO MARELLATAMINATHE MIZWADE BARRETTWWE ELIMINATION CHAMBERWWE ELIMINATION CHAMBER 12

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