The Best And Worst Of WWE Elimination Chamber '12

By: 02.20.12


Worst: I Hope You’ve Enjoyed These Last Two Worthless Months

During “The Road To Wrestlemania”, you assumedly start at point A, work your way through some rising action and reach point B, which is, uh, Wrestlemania. So if you start a thing where John Cena has been forced into an accidental love triangle with Eve Torres and Zack Ryder brought on by the demented actions of Kane, who I guess hates the Rock a lot and wants Cena to go Super Saiyan and destroy him with Hate Powers at Mania you either need to

1. End the Kane/Cena story at Mania, or

2. End the Kane/Cena story at Elimination Chamber with something meaningful and important that plays into the next month of build against The Rock

And the way Kane was talking, you assumed Cena would come out of this feud changed somehow, more in touch with the violent side that makes him toss people off cars and choke them with ring ropes until they die or whatever, but … well, lol, nope. The John Cena vs. Kane hate embracement feud ends with Cena winning another match against Kane and being the exact same semi-serious Southern Preacher by way of Army Boston schmuck motherf**ker he was in December.

Why did this happen? I know you can’t journey Rock back in from the Mysterious Island in January to build your story, but why give Cena a three act play where all three acts are just the first f**king act? If you’re gonna give him filler, can’t you give him filler with wrestling matches, and not melodramatic hell-pit rape and scandal story?

Worst: Don’t Do Spots Like This If You Have To Make Them Look This Stupid

kane-ambulance-bumpAnd furthermore, don’t write yourself into a corner where you have to have poor 44-year old adult size Kane get Attitudinally Adjusted from the roof of an ambulance if he can’t take a bump like that. Don’t shield it with a random wall and those errant cardboard boxes Kevin Nash used to prop up Triple H during Sledgehammer-Gate last year.

Does anyone under the age of newly-f**king-born assume Kane got hurt doing this? I’m not saying you should actually throw Kane from like ten feet in the air onto steel, but don’t PRETEND to if the most realistic way you can do it is with a WALL OF MYSTERY BOXES. Dude could’ve taken a gentle step down onto a stack of Tempurpedic mattresses and it wouldn’t have seemed any different. An Attitude Adjustment onto a flat ring canvas would’ve hurt about ten times more.

Basically what I’m saying is that Kane Ambulance Matches are the worst thing ever, are sub-“stick your boot in the fire because nobody else is wearing protective clothing” Inferno Match bullsh*t and should be avoided in the future at all costs.

Worst: “WWE Ambulance Match” Was A Great Pay-Per-View

Any idea why you call a show “Elimination Chamber”, hold two Elimination Chamber matches full of stars and headline with John Cena vs. Kane in an ambulance match? They didn’t do anything in the ambulance match to influence the set besides driving an ambulance away, you could’ve darkened the arena for an ominous Undertaker threat-video and swept away the cardboard.

Worst: What Show Is Next, You Guys

In case you were wondering, and didn’t tune into the Raw immediately following last year’s Wrestlemania or any show between then and now:


John Cena is going to Wrestlemania! Because he won an unrelated ambulance match! Now that the whole “ruining my friend’s life and almost seeing him dragged into Hell and murdered and having a giant fire rapist sociopath try to smother me with his stinky glove hand for six weeks” is over, we can get down to the serious business of wrestling a movie guy who is never here!

Point, John, point!


Mm. That’s good point.

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