Best: Bobby Lashley Had A Personality?
I expected to come into this report with a big thing about how Bobby Lashley was the least interesting and least cared about successful wrestler ever because he had literally zero backstory and was just a big strong guy who did things. And here’s this big video package hitting me out of nowhere about how he grew up without a father and overcompensated by becoming this elitist perfection monster who won’t stop until he’s reached human perfection. When did this happen?
We get to hear from his mother, who says he wasn’t like other boys, coaches who said he has no weaknesses and that they almost called the cops when they saw him because he’s just giant and ready to kill you with STRENGTH SCIENCE~. How great of a character would this have been? An emotionally complex, African-American Brock Lesnar who has to achieve everything because of what he lost and can never get back. Holy sh*t, right?
Worst: Wait, Sorry, No He Didn’t
But yep, that goes right out the goddamn window the second he starts wrestling.
The problem with Bobby Lashley isn’t that he’s “bad at wrestling”. The problem, at least as far as I can tell as a guy watching him years later without any personal experience in the ring with him, is two-fold:
1. He has Goldberg disease, where nothing you do to him looks like it hurts him but he’s got to sell it to keep you from looking like a wiener, so he basically just falls down on his side and blinks his eyes really hard and your punches still look like dogsh*t.
2. He’s built up as a Lesnar type, an NCAA star who can tear you apart with science, but every single Lashley match is just “amateur takedown” followed by clotheslines and powerslams and suplexes. Lesnar and Angle both battled that in their careers, but they both had times when they were allowed to go back to it, Angle with his nonstop ankle locking and terrible Tough Enough “shoot takedowns”, Lesnar with his Brock Locks and feud with Angle.
Lashley should’ve carried the complexity of his story into the ring with him so he didn’t have to be a top heavy guy who always moved like hew as about to fall down. He should’ve used that size and strength advantage to ground guys and tear them new ones. That would’ve been killer. The idea that the most technically sound guy in the company is also the strongest and can tear down cage walls by jumping at them is SCARY for competition, and you’d have to have an unstoppable goofball death bringer like spazzed-out John Cena to take him down.
Instead, bullsh*t occurred. And speaking of that!
Worst: Mr. Kennedy, What Were We Thinking
Remember when Ken Kennedy was supposed to be the new cool guy, and he was gonna be important and bring a… hell, I can’t even finish typing that. I don’t have ANY IDEA why a chubby guy with skinny arms and legs and Eminem hair and RED TRIBAL TATTOOS (RED) who did a Swanton Bomb and an STO-related finisher was EVER a guy we got behind. Before he was an “unsafe worker”, before he was always injured, there had to be SOMETHING, right? It wasn’t his mic skills, because he just mumbles and chews gum and sounds like a phony. Was it because he said his name twice?
Oh God, it was, wasn’t it?
Anyway, Bobby Lashley wrestles Mr. Kennedy-Anderson-Kennedy for the ECW Championship on a WWE pay-per-view and gets disqualified for hitting him in the back with a chair. I miss WWECW more than almost anyone you’re gonna talk to, but man, even I wish they’d called it something else.
Mr. Kennedy. Seriously?
Worst: Bobby Lashley Pretends To Go Crazy!
After the match Bobby Lashley is so INCENSED~ by Kennedy’s Kennediness that he not only DQs himself with a chairshot to the back, he follows Kennedy out of the ring, around it and up the ramp to keep hitting him. In the back.
One of the worst things WWE does is give a guy a “mean streak” that revolves around crappy props. I don’t buy Lashley “going crazy” for a second here, especially when he has to position Kennedy or wait for him to get up before he’ll hit him with the chair again. It’s the opposite of Rock and Mankind’s I Quit match, where Rock just brutally split a dude’s skull in twain because he was hopped up on goofballs and wanted to put him down. THAT was insanity. This was a thing we forgot from the middle of a pay-per-view we don’t remember.
So Many Worsts All In A Row: Krystal
I had to make sure I put her on Lashley’s page, but since this is technically a Smackdown pay-per-view (featuring stars from Raw and ECW! and future TNA!) we get the Smackdown announcers, and with that comes backstage interviewer extraordinaire “Krystal”.
She looks nice, but she’s bad at this. Baaaad at this. Interviews go like this.
Krystal: “Up next. We have. A special guest for us. Please welcome. John. Cena!”
John Cena: /wanders in
Krystal: “Now John. Tonight you. Have a match where you. Must team. With. The. Heart. Break. Kid. Shawn, Michaels. Against The Animal. Batista. And his partner. The Phenom. The Undertaker.”
And then she just stands there, having not asked a question and having taken 45 f**king minutes to introduce herself. She does this FOUR TIMES on the show, interviewing all four guys in the main event, and it never gets better. At one point Shawn Michaels is just standing there staring at the floor, waiting for the hamster in her head to collapse off the wheel and die.
I can see why Krystal and Bobby Lashley are romantically compatible. I bet they have the most stimulating dinner conversations.
I want more like this!
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