Worst: John Laurinaitis Has Pictures Of Kurt Angle Having Sex With Sharmell?
I write ten wordy-ass paragraphs about him every week, so I’ll present two options:
1. What made CM Punk great when he wasn’t great to everybody was that he always sounded like he meant what he was saying. When he ran down Raven for doing drugs and wasting opportunities, it felt real. Same thing when he made fun of Jeff Hardy for blowing his dream job. When he says “clownshoes” and says that Laurinaitis has leverage over the board of directors because of “naked pictures of bestiality” it sounds like something they came up with in creative and wrote between “bad breath” and “farts” on the dry erase board.
2. I bought into the CM Punk character and am a total rube mark. Phil Brooks came up with a cool thing that was convincing and got people like me on board, and now he’s tweaked it to get all the people who aren’t like me to cheer him and buy his t-shirts. There are a lot more people like them.
Long story short, I hate how stupid Punk makes me feel now. I don’t like him as the “guy who is funny at talking!” I don’t know. The more I write about it, the dumber I feel, and sh*t, I’m the guy about to write about who great it was when a guy said “dolph” sounded like “dolphins”. I wish I could throw that dry erase board into the sun.
Best: R-Truth Is Better Than Everyone Else Out Here Because He’s The Only One Not Taking It Seriously
…and I’m paraphrasing here:
Punk: “I am the best wrestler in the world!”
Dolph: “I’m better than you!”
Miz: “I’m better than both of you!”
Jericho: “I’m better than all of you!”
Truth: “SPIDAHS LIL JIMMY KEKEKEKEKEKEEKE”
Even Kofi Kingston, whose personality is normally “smile and wave to the nice fans”, pulled a “I’m a hungry young lion and my shirt has a lion on it now and I will defeat you all!” But here’s Truth, playing with the “what” chants, calling Jerry Lawler “your honor”, announcing that he’d trade people to Smackdown for Hornswoggle and a box of spiders “if elected” and winning a bright, shiny best for being the first person in like four years to say, “Dolph Ziggler? That’s a stupid name!” Because, seriously.
I’ve been wary of Truth’s transition from deranged psychopath to lovable, Cuckoo’s Nest-esque man of mental disease who just needs someone to take him fishing, but if he keeps lightening these forced moods with f**king dolphin noises, I’m sold.
Super Best: Dolph Ziggler’s Reaction To Being Told He’s Named After Flipper
Easily the intentionally funniest moment of the show. Secondary best for HOW DO YOU WORK HERE?
Worst: Time To Pull The Plug On The Miz
I think I speak for everyone when I say Miz needs a year or two teaming with Chavo Guerrero and the Lunch Ladies or whoever in Ring Ka King to tighten up the part of his brain that remembers how words sound and get his sh*t together. As an adoptive Clevelander I’ve got a deep, everlasting love for the Oh-Bros who’ve made it (Derrick Bateman, Dolph Ziggler, Miz, hell, even me, Michael Tarver), but yeah, Miz has either plateaued or is in desperate need of a break.
Jericho tossed him under the bus last week, and putting him in the ring with a bunch of guys who are better than him at everything (and Kofi Kingston) isn’t helping. Fantasy booking idea: have Miz get all sentimental and try to reform Extreme Expose, only to find out that Brooke eloped with Kahoneys or whatever and lives next to Shark Boy at the Impact Zone.
Worst: Chris Jericho’s New Character
In the span of two weeks, Jericho has gone from one of the most compelling reinventions of a character in wrestling history to a f**king reissue of Malibu Stacy: exactly like the old one, but with a new jacket. I don’t know how excited to get now that I know he’s the same guy he was when he left, wearing 2007 Jericho’s clothes. You’re legitimately one of the best ever, Jericho, let’s see what you were bragging about creating.
Oh, and before I forget: