Best: And So Begins The Funniest Raw Of All Time
I want to be that guy you go see on the Internet who gets hypercritical about these things, and yeah, most of the time I’m good for at least a page of WHO IS SIGNING KANE’S PAYCHECKS FOR THIS and IT WAS AN UNSAFE ENVIRONMENT WHEN MIZ BEAT UP JOHN CENA BY SURPRISE BY THESE KIDNAPPINGS AND FIRE RAPES ARE OKAY, but man, I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard at a TV show. It’s like … golden age ‘Simpsons’, ‘Look Around You’, and then this.
John Cena has got to be the worst f**king friend of all time. Zack Ryder is stupid enough to
1. Keep traveling around the country and showing up at the only place in the goddamn world the guy who keeps trying to shoot murder him is announced to be
2. Put on a headband when he’s got a severe neck injury
and I guess he doesn’t know his camera is also a telephone (although nobody in WWE knows how to properly use a phone… Otunga gets his sensitive messages via text and Shawn Michaels had to go through John Laurinaitis to schedule an appointment in the middle of a wrestling ring to talk to his best friend, who you’d assume he could’ve just called).
If you were Cena, how would you react? I’m guessing you’d contact security or the authorities and use those guys who keep people from jumping the rails to redirect their energies into keeping your friend from being MURDERED WITH FIRE, or, worst case scenario, you’d wheel his ass out the back door and put him in a cab. And sure, Kane would probably be driving that cab, but that would be out of your hands.
Cena reacts to the situation by going “yeah okay I know you want to see Eve”, then telling Ryder to stay put, because the John Cena locker room with the big JOHN CENA logo on the door is probably the last place the supernatural rapist who wants to hurt John Cena will look. And then he just f**king leaves to “get Eve” and spends an HOUR doing it, including several minutes of fraternization with Josh Mathews. Dude, can’t you talk to Josh when your friend ISN’T GOING TO BE PUT IN TRACTION BY THE TELEPORTING DEMON MAN.
And then other stuff happens, but we’ll get to that. An absolute f**king riot.
Best: What The Iron Sheik Thinks About Zack Ryder
So uh, Minnie Mouse I guess?
Worst: Way To Disprove That Whole “Afterthought” Thing, Kofi
This isn’t a harsh best, as I liked the actual Kingston vs. Jericho match enough and appreciated Kofi showing some fire for the first time in … God, like two years? I didn’t enjoy Kofi being addressed as an afterthought in the Raw debate and shoved out of the way, only for him to 1) sneak attack Jericho and 2) lose to Jericho when they were face to face. Jericho’s right about being up here (/gesture) while Kofi is down here (/gesture), but you don’t have to tell us AND illustrate it.
I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I almost would’ve preferred the WAIT A MINUTE THAT’S CM PUNK’S MUSIC LOOK KOFI’S ROLLED UP JERICHO things. It wouldn’t have made Kingston look any better, but it could’ve provided a nice “maybe he’ll win by accident” talking point.
Worst: Daniel Bryan Is Missing The Little Things
Heel Daniel Bryan is the greatest, don’t get me wrong, but if he’s going to play the Ethical Vegan card, he needs to pay attention to the details. Driving a Prius, going on nature walks instead of watching the Super Bowl and having a girlfriend of indeterminate ethnic origin are great starts, but what about the announce chairs? John Laurinaitis mentioned a few weeks ago that they were top quality, so you have to assume they’re leather. Why’s he sitting in them like it’s nothing? Are his boots vegan?
Furthermore, what about the championship belt itself? That strap is made out of leather. Maybe he should get his own custom belt made out of pleather (or even better, hemp) and spend half of Smackdown pointing it out so people will have to notice it.
Best: Two-Faced Michael Cole
A lot of people seemed to be missing this point on Twitter during the show, but Michael Cole is doing an awesome job of putting Daniel Bryan over and hating his guts at the same time. When Bryan is within arm-breaking distance, Cole sings his praises. Says he has a great smile and has proven himself time-in and time-out. When Bryan is in the ring or about to leave, Cole switches right back into HE’S A COWARD AND A NERD mode, sometimes mid-sentence. Watch him try to strong-arm A.J. on Smackdown and leave in a HEARTBEAT when Bryan shows up. It’s great, purposeful work.
I don’t know how to explain it more succinctly, but it’s a deeper kind of shallow dipsh*t than they usually go for, and I appreciate it.
Best: Extra Vintage Randy Orton
Come on, Cole saying “EXTRA vintage” when Orton broke out that amazing rope-assisted DDT on The Big Show is the SUPER NO VACANCY of North American wrestling. It’s dumb, but if you’re gonna make this all look and feel like a video game anyway you might as well add sound effects and echoing announcer voices going GREAT JOB or whatever when you hit your finisher.
Worst: Sorry You Made A Mistake, Randy
One of the greatest things about Randy Orton is that his “intermediate explosive disorder” isn’t part of his character, it’s an actual thing he has. Watch any time he (or someone he’s wrestling) messes up a move. He either starts flipping out and yelling STUPID, YOU’RE STUPID like a baby or he collapses into world-crushing disappointment like he did last night.
So, Big Show went down too early. So what? The announcers could’ve sold it as Show being too woozy to stand up or “trying to avoid” it instead of yelling RKO! RKO! like it was awesome. Now we’re guaranteed a Botchamania 201 moment where Orton’s covering his face while the Chubby Cherub music plays.