Worst: Can You Believe How BAD our BREATH Is
I thought D-X in Little People’s Court was the low point of WWE comedy, but people seem to remember that fondly. Santino showing up to offer garlic flavored breath mints to Zack Ryder after penetrating John Cena’s Friend Protector Force Field that Kane could not simply wander through may be the new low point, as signaled by Santino going GARLICS~ like he’s a f**king Disney Channel character and the crowd going ehhhhhhh and the production team going ABORT ABORT and cutting to commercial.
Once again I have to ask: WWE writing team, can’t one of you take your balls out of your wife’s purse (speaking your language here) and tell Vince McMahon that people having bad breath is not outrageously funny, and have the decency to introduce him to a newer form of comedy, such as Vaudeville and/or slipping on a f**king banana peel?
At least give me a segment where everybody lines up against a wall and Vince gets up in their face to inspect their breath, promising that an unpleasant odor might “cross the boss” and result in termination. So all day nobody eats and John Cena’s in the background somewhere pounding Life Savers. Get creative with it. Have Paul London smiling too much because he’s been snorting mouthwash all day. Announce that Binaca is part of the wellness policy. I don’t know, something that works harder than “our breath is so bad you would not believe how bad our breath is”.
Best In Show: Beth Phoenix Channeling Ox Baker
One of my favorite memories of pre-Crisis Pro Wrestling Illustrated (and my current favorite part of Dave Shoemaker’s awesome CLUBBERIN’ Tumblr) is pre-Rock n’ Wrestling fashion, when not everybody had merch to sell and sometimes it was okay to show up in a t-shirt with an iron-on message across the front. I BROKE WAHOO’S LEG is a classic. So is Ox Baker’s YOU WILL HATE ME.
Beth Phoenix dared to bring that back last night with her iron-on DING GLAMSLAM DING shirt, and it made me happy in basically every way a wrestling shirt can, including concept, execution and great boobs. Beth is wise to establish herself as more of a Blood Circus type and less “the farting one’s friend”.
Does it bother anyone else that they keep bragging about Beth’s dominance when she spent the entirety of last year losing to Kelly Kelly?
Best: Tamina’s Name Change
Tamina is now “Tamina Snuka”, which is great because it
1. Gives her instant credibility
2. Helps destroy that weird WWE idea that women can’t have last names
3. Allows WWE that rare opportunity to embrace their history without having to think too hard about it
4. Sets up that great moment when Beth bashes her in the face with a coconut, which is going to happen, don’t kid yourself, that’s the entire reason Tamina is suddenly a Snuka again
It is not especially great because
Worst: Tamina F**king Blows At The Superfly Splash
There, I said it. I should’ve said it last week.
I’m not sure what the problem is. It could be that she doesn’t weigh enough to make the splash convincing. Eve’s moonsault has the same problem. How does it hurt that you’re gently lying your body across mine? The most effective top rope attacks in Joshi have always been strike based or performed by heavier performers. It could be that she has Chavo Guerrero Frog Splash-itis and has to do the move because of her name but can’t commit to it when she jumps. Maybe John Cena’s Ghostbuster Dog-jumping ass taught her how to leap, I don’t know.
Whatever it is, it doesn’t look good, and I’m going to pretend the Samoan drop is your actual finisher. Sorta like how Scotty 2 Hotty’s Worm was harmless, but his one-handed bulldog near the ropes would Critical your ass nine times out of ten.
Fine, I Guess: I’M THE MIZ, AND I’M probably not going to live down that R-Truth bump, am I
Much like the Dolph Ziggler/R-Truth match, last night’s wrestling seemed fine-at-best and inconsequential-at-worst. Everyone seemed like they were wrestling these matches because the Elimination Chamber is coming up and that’s what happens. I’m not asking for a Beat The Clock challenge or anything, but giving these guys something nominal to fight over (pod numbers, choice of weapons, SOMETHING) would’ve really helped the gravity of the one-on-one deals.
Miz was fine here and didn’t hurt anybody for real, so good for him. Hopefully he taps out to Anacondas Vice a few more times as punishment or Kangaroo Bail or whatever it is wrestlers do with justice and we can move forward with our lives. Also, I’m glad more people are noticing Punk’s thing where he gets a debilitating injury where he’s like, clutching a gimp arm to his side for 20 minutes and then when he wins it’s fine and is never mentioned again. That’s 2012’s “Mr. Perfect is holding the ropes because somebody’s gonna kick his legs out from under him”.