Best: Jericho Vs. Punk, For Real, Finally
Now this is more like it.
I’ll tell you that David Otunga’s matching sweater/thermos/socks combo is my favorite thing about wrestling lately, but my actual favorite thing is CM Punk’s steady descent back into normalcy. Daniel Bryan is my favorite wrestler, but Punk has long been my favorite wrestling personality, so him logically dissecting sour-faced Chris Jericho’s claims of bestness innovation and making him look like a silly piece of shit in the process was glorious.
I may have figured it out — Punk’s character only works for me when I feel like he’s in the right. When he tells Vince McMahon that he’s out of touch with his audience, I understand and agree. When he’s chastising Jeff The Slack-Jawed Yokel or yelling at Raven for pissing away his opportunities with drugs and alcohol, I’m like “yeah tell ‘em Punk you ARE a monster!” When he’s telling John Laurinaitis to take his balls out of his purse or taunting Alberto Del Rio for being Mexican by saying “you’re mexican” over and over, not so much.
But I agree with him here. Jericho’s claims are of the “I’m Glacier and I invented the standing side kick! Nuh uh, I’m Perry Saturn and that’s MY move!” variety and he should be called on it. That can allow Jericho to make Doggy Ate My Owse-Cweam face, and pro wrestling matches can occur. Best in the World vs. Best in the World in a ring at Mania, with their Twitter beef long ago lost in the ether.
A tiny Worst goes to Punk for dissing the LED jacket, though. You wore basketball shorts in the ring for like seven years, Punk, you have never worn something that awesome.
Best: Hey Look, It’s My Four Favorite People On The Show!
Yes, my first thought was, “well here’s the ACTUAL best in the world, if we’re splitting hairs”.
I didn’t think we could get more people I love per capita than the Team Mr. Excitement segment from Elimination Chamber, but the Punk and Jericho staredown ended with Daniel Bryan’s still-bastardized entrance theme happening and Bryan YES YES YESsing to the ring with not only With Leather favorite A.J., but with both John Laurinaitis AND David Otunga.
Counting the guys in the ring, that’s six of my 10 favorite current WWE employees*. That’s the best way to start a show.
(*Cody Rhodes, Derrick Bateman, Alberto Del Rio/Ricardo Rodriguez in tandem and
Camacho Michael McGillicutty lol I can’t even type that with a straight face Dolph Ziggler**)
(**I promise I don’t just like heels, I just like the people who don’t look like they’re trying so hard to make me like them. Alex Riley, I’m looking in your direction***)
(***I am not looking at Alex Riley)
Worst: Two Commercial Breaks And 10 Minutes At The Announce Table
CM Punk and Daniel Bryan can wrestle for however long they want on as many consecutive shows as they want. I don’t care if they have a Best 52 out of 104 series that ends tied and has to start again next year. What I don’t like is any possibility of an epic champion vs. champion series finale being nerfed like a f**king daycare center by two (TWO) commercial breaks and at least 50% of time elapsed spent seeing what everyone’s doing at the announce booth.
I want to find out what’s happening in the John Laurinaitis/Teddy Long storyline. I like exaggerated interofficeplay from guys who could be running @DadBoner on my wrestling show, and when they devote too much time to backstage I know it’s philosophically lessening the amount of time I can spend watching wrestlers wrestle, but I don’t want them to cut and paste that shit over the wrestling for real.
Let me put it another way: if I gave star ratings to matches, I’d have to give this one **3/4, and do you understand how f**king pissed that makes me
Best: AJ In Jeans, Because Seriously
So what if she got them from the Band Of Outsiders boys department, she looks great in them. The best part of being action-figured-sized must be how easy it is to look in clothes. The worst part must be getting caught in a mousetrap.
I don’t have anything to say, she looks great in jeans.
Worst: Jericho Needs To Make A Concerted Effort To Look Less Like Test
And because this is turning into a fashion blog so gradually you aren’t even noticing, here’s where I point out that the only thing keeping me from feeling weird about Chris Jericho’s rippling old-man stomach is how closes he’s getting to looking exactly like pre-Crisis Test. A quick checklist on how to look like test:
1. Wear leather pants ✔
2. Be extremely tan in an unrealistic way ✔
3. Have tons of muscles, but not really look like you’re in good shape ✔
4. spend a lot of time standing on the Raw stage, scowling and breathing out heavily ✔
5. Have long blonde hair
The only thing keeping him from being pre-Crisis Test is that he’s got post-Crisis Test’s haircut. And like a foot of height, but I digress. He should start adding a pump-handle to everything he does.
I want more like this!
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