21 minutes. Does that tell you anything?
Worst: The Rock Should Take A Little Longer To Say F**king Nothing
Talking to people on the Internet about The Rock is the most difficult aspect of my job.
I’m starting to get a reputation as a Rock “hater”, which isn’t really fair. I’ve typed a lot about how Nation of Domination “hey honey” Rock and guitar-playing Hollywood prick Rock are two of my favorite wrestling characters ever, so (like Jericho or CM Punk) I know how great he is and can be at this, so I hold him to a higher (possibly unfair) standard. If Santino vomits on television, I just kinda type “stupid” in my brain and move on. With The Rock, his badness or pandering really grates on me, and it feels way more like disappointment than anger.
He makes me feel like Luke Wilson in Idiocracy. I can see him begging for chants, milking reactions and basically saying nothing but f**king babytalk and the people go CRAZY for it, and me saying “things aren’t right” to the Internet isn’t met with a response much deeper than “you talk like a fag, and your shit’s all retarded”.
A few facts about The Rock last night:
1. There is no way to justify a guy writing promo notes on his arm. I’m holding out hope that (as everything we see on TV is a “work”), Rock having to outline his promo and bring cue cards because he’s out of touch and can’t just naturally “bring it” anymore is part of the story, and they’re gonna add some vulnerability to the Rock so the match with Cena has some gravity besides “who will win, the guy we don’t like or the guy who’ll never wrestle again”. If that’s not the case (and you have to give them a lot of credit if it is), it’s sad.
2. It does not take skill or charisma to get people to chant things when you say “okay we’re gonna chant this on three”. ANYBODY could say ANYTHING to a WWE crowd in a chanty voice and at least some of them would chant it. Josh Mathews could come to the ring and say “a-bor-tion! a-bor-tion!” into the microphone in a sing-songy voice and people would chant abortion. If he promised them a t-shirt for the loudest fan to chant “abortion” they’d lose their f**king minds for it.
3. Seriously, he’s talking in baby talk. “Kung Pow Bitch” is completely meaningless. The only way that would’ve worked is if John was 1) Asian, and Rock was being “funny racist”, 2) had a previously established love of chicken or chinese food, or 3) Rock was calling him a “chicken”, which would be stupid because he called him all the parts of Kung Pao Chicken except the chicken. He wasn’t doing any of those things, though. He was doing the same thing he did with Yabba Dabba Bitch — saying words that sound funny outloud to a barn full of f**king troglodytes who want nothing more than to repeat what the nice man said and laugh. It’s what Dreamworks does when they make movies. Kung Pow Bitch is the wrestling equivalent of when a Dreamworks character lowers his sunglasses and says “whoa” in a funny voice. The kids in the crowd go NYAH HEE HEE NYAH HEE HEE WHOA, WHOA because they’re babies and like funny noises and don’t understand jokes.
Furthermore, it’s pretty obvious that Rock doesn’t know his history. As I’ve mentioned before, one of Rock’s talking points is that John Cena is a phony for being the Doctor of Thugganomics but not being from the streets. As bad as that is for a variety of reasons, Cena has NEVER claimed to be from the streets, and most of his terrible rap album is about how he’s from West Newbury and doesn’t need to be hood to out-rap and/or out-wrestle you. I’m guessing the first John Cena match the Rock has ever watched in full is the one from Survivor Series where he had to stand on the apron.
What I’m getting at is that Rock is a f**king hack right now, and everybody in the world, especially the people glorifying ever appearance with these grand declarations of how much better he is than everyone, knows that he’s mailing it in and about an inch from being eviscerated by anyone with the guts to call his bluff. I’m guessing this is why we’ve got Rock/Cena instead of Rock/Punk.
But Rock/Cena isn’t that bad.
Best: John Cena’s Epic Takedown
I was going to start rooting for the Rock after last week’s Cenariffic condemnation of Eve’s whorish bitch-vagina, but Holy Mary Mother’a God did Cena do in like a minute forty what I thought no man was gonna do again — rip the Rock a new asshole and leave him to stew in his own juices.
Cena came to the ring and more or less said, “yeah, you’re funny or whatever, but I’m going to murder you at Mania, deal with it” and bailed. That is GREAT. That’s exactly what the Rock needs to hear. He doesn’t need a rap about how the Tooth Fairy was awful, he knows it was awful, he’s an actor and acting’s his job and he’d like to get paid money to do it. He doesn’t need to hear that he’s “never around” or whatever, because he doesn’t care, he’s not around by choice. It’s good for him that he’s not around.
What he needs to hear is “this is all bullshit, your act is tired and you don’t know how to do this anymore and you’re gonna get hurt”. When Cena first trotted out and did his WHOA WHOAAAA funny voice guy thing I thought it was going to be more of the same, but it wasn’t … it was a succinct, accurate takedown of the Rock that pointed out his lame Spark Notes, accepted his childish insults with sarcasm and told him to go f**k himself.
It was grand, even if it wasn’t the best part.
Best In Show: The Rock Gets Shook
The best part was The Rock completely losing his functional brain circa the pointing out of his Mindy Simmons script. Listen to the crowd when Cena says he doesn’t need his promo notes on his wrist. That’s not a normal WWE crowd reaction. Gone were the goosebumps, gone was the casual fun and the water sipping and the TRENDING worldwide derp-de-derp. It was replaced by a dude with nothing to say trying his hardest to stall for time until he could come up with something.
Here’s a quick transcript.
The Rock: “LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING RIGHT NOW JOHN YOU’RE BACK THERE LISTENING RIGHT … LET ME TELL YOU THIS. JOHN. ROCK AND DWAYNE JOHNSON, DWAYNE JOHNSON AND THE ROCK, THAT IS THE SAME MAN. THAT’S THE SAME MAN JOHN, THAT’S THE, THAT’S THE SAME MAN. JOHN. AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING JOHN. JOHN, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. JOHN. JOHN. JOHN. JOHN.
JOHN. JOHN. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.”
(around here is where the hamster is officially dead and crammed up in its own wheel)
The Rock: “THE ROCK DWAYNE JOHNSON DWAYNE JOHNSON THE ROCK THE PEOPLE’S CHAMP WWE WRESTLING WRESTLEMANIA JOHN, JOHN CENA, KICK YOUR ASS, IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK” and so on
They might as well have cut to a still photo of Cena with “U MAD” written across the bottom.
Advice: Don’t Be So Quick To Assume Everything Is A ‘Shoot’
Yeah, don’t do this. The Rock and John Cena are characters on the wrestling show, and if something happens on the wrestling show, it’s part of the wrestling show. End of story. “Shoots” don’t exist unless they’re 5 years later on an RF Video. It wouldn’t be surprising to assume Cena noticed people seeing Rock’s promo notes on Twitter before he came out and worked it into the story, just as it wouldn’t be surprising to learn that Rock’s promo notes were there on purpose so that whole thing could happen. CM Punk didn’t “shoot” on anybody, he just got the okay to say “Ring Of Honor” on television to get us excited.
That’s how it works. It was an exciting thing that happened, not a “shoot”. It can be exciting and still be a part of the fake show.
Best: Derrick Bateman’s Notes For The Next Episode Of NXT
Via @DerrickWWE, now trending worldwide:
Make this man a star.