Best: A.J. Is Actually On Raw For Real
I mean, she’s not wrestling on Raw, but she’s also not just one of the random people in the background, so that’s something!
This column has made me hypersensitive to certain good or bad WWE segments, so much in the way that Triple H opening his mouth is an automatic Worst until he proves me wrong, A.J. showing up and being a person of televised interest is an automatic Best until they decide “foley sharting” should be her sole character trait or Jerry Lawler starts making fun of her for being Mexican. Which he’ll do, because fish gotta swim.
Anyway, she is cute and the best and I hope we can move away from the Big Show soon and get to those vignettes I’ve written in private where A.J. is all “I don’t know, I’m not sure what sunflower sprouts are” and Daniel Bryan is all “IF YOU LOVED ME YOU’D EAT THEM”. She needs to stay with him forever so we can get promos that are both about TVP and Batman.
Best: How Easily Big Show Could Resolve This Angle
Big Show has been in tears and near reitrement for like a month now because he accidentally knocked a lady down and her boyfriend has been a dick about it. I’m not sure why a guy who once tried to MMF rape-kill Hulk Hogan with the help of a giant mummy would get so bent out of shape over this, but I have a few suggestions.
Firstly, instead of saying “it was uh ACCIDENT, but aw I feel so bad!”, try “sorry about that, but you’re being a dick, now I’m gonna punch you in the face”. Or “A.J. is a wrestler, isn’t she? Natalya literally bent her in half like six weeks in a row on Smackdown, I bump into her once and she’s in a neck brace for a month? She needs to retire or get a grip” and then punch him in the face. Regardless, the ending to our first vegan storyline is obviously “vegan gets punched in the face”, so let’s hurry up and get to that so we can stop having Big show matches.
Secondly, Big Show should google “A.J. Lee WWE ethnicity”, find out her last name is “Mendez” and be all “all this time I thought I’d hurt a white lady, but I hurt a PUERTO RICAN! THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING”, chokeslam A.J. and win the World Heavyweight Championship. Actually, no he shouldn’t, but tell me these options don’t have the exact same chance of happening.
Best: I WILL STILL BE A VEGAN!
The best part of CM Punk being a popular Person Of Import in WWE is that he’s there to coach Daniel Bryan in the skill at which he’s the true best in the world: shoehorning a specific lifestyle choice into conversation.
Daniel Bryan saying he’s gonna walk out of Elimination Chamber the World Heavyweight Champion is great, but it’s even GREATER when he feels the need to mention that he will also be VEGAN while doing it. That’s pro wrestling, motherf**kers, you gotta mention that you’re Iranian whether you’re talking about hostage crises or tiddlywinks.
(Plus, it gets “vegan” trending to some degree amongst people who’d never bother to look it up independently of something to respire about in their YouTube reviews every time he says it, which is cool. Haters gonna hate.)
Worst: NASCAR Never Helps
“Before we forget, a NASCAR guy showed up last week and drove his car around and now John Cena’s gonna be the honorary Car Hooter at the Cousin F**ker 500! He’s honored!”
Racing is always trying to overlap with pro wrestling and it never, ever works. Examples include: Kyle Petty as a member of the nWo, Hermie Sadler powerbombing guys in TNA, Eve Torres showing interest in the Texas Motor Speedway and 10 years of Hardcore Holly
(and yes, I am a pro wrestling fan who condescends on NASCAR. I am silver and exact, I have no preconceptions.)
Worst: Beard Baby Can Go Straight To Hell
Is this the movie about babies that are geniuses?