Worst: So Are We Just Not Going To Talk About Kharma Or What
WWE loves their WAIT A MINUTE I KNOW WHO THAT IS musical cues, and they’ve been a little too daring about milking the same cues twice. I’m guessing Kharma hasn’t been mentioned in two weeks so they can have Beth dismantled Tamina or whoever at Elimination Pay-Per-View and be all I’M DOMINANT YOU GUYS before NYAH HAHAHAHAHAAAA hits and Kharma picks up business.
The problem is that as great as that is, they already used NYAH HA HA etc. at the Royal Rumble for a surprise return. That means she’s f**king returned already and you can use her on your shows. Instead of having an eight Diva tag match that runs 65 seconds on back-to-back weeks you can start telling the story you wanted to tell with her again, and as a bonus we get women wrestling well in a semi-important spot on the show. That’s win-win. Win.
Also I’d like Kane to try his SCURR YOU WITH MUH WORDS thing on Kharma and get Implant Busted. Knock his spooky contact right out.
Best: Natalya On Raw Without Farting Or Taking A Pinfall
As you may know if you follow me on Twitter, despite a vegan World Heavyweight Champion in the throes of character development, an increased percentage of Chickbusting available and the Living Best of Cody Rhodes, I have boycotted Smackdown. Why? Because at no point in my life do I want “farting Natalya” to be a thing I watch.
If you haven’t been following it, somebody (Vince McMahon) thought it would be awesome to have a talented, passionate and good-looking wrestler with a rich heritage add depth to her character by having fart sound effects play when she’s backstage. They have a FARTING LADY character. THE FARTING LADY.
And yeah, I know I get heated about racism and misogyny and all kinds of preachy stuff here, but no, I’m not doing that. I just don’t want to know about a farting wrestler. I think that’s a point of view we can all share.
Best: Kelly Kelly, The Watcher
WWE only has two female speaking roles (“all fired up and ready to entertain ya” and “bitch”), and every now and then they go OKAY SWITCH and Kelly Kelly, who has been pointing and screaming and victory rolling her little heart out for nearly a year, has to go stand in the background while Eve emotes and tries to do a backflip without landing on her face.
I got attached to Kelly, having written so much in justification of her existence, so I like to watch her and see what she’s doing in that background role. So far all I can piece together is “standing still” and “looking at Eve”. Where the hell is Kelly when Eve is getting Fire Raped backstage or whatever? Eve ran out to make the save on at least 60 of Kelly Kelly’s encounters with Bitch, you’d think Kelly could at least keep an eye out and alert some security guards.
Worst: The Rock And John Cena Hate Each Others’ Videos On Twitter
@JohnCena – Watched the Rock’s video on Raw. Kewl vid! Rock should make a movie about losing at Wrestlemania!
@TheRock – @JohnCena HELLO JOHN CENA YOU TRANSVESTITE THE ROCK WILL SUCK YOUR HOO HAH AND END YOUR LIFE. MY BOOT. YOUR ASS. ONE LOVE. #inspireeveryday
@JohnCena – Read your tweet @TheRock. Whoa nelly! Why don’t you show up @ Raw in rural Maine and face me like a man, whatev i don’t even care
@TheRock – STICK YOUR DICK IN A LIGHT FIXTURE @JohnCena OR THE ROCK WILL F**K YOUR ASS WHERE THE GREEN GRASS GROWS, PLEASE GO SEE JOURNEY 2: THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND #theaterstoasses
@everyone else in the world – stop it nobody cares
Do this in the ring or at least on a television show happening near a ring and stop being weird babies on the Internet.
Worst: I Do Not Want To Hear About The Rock’s Dick Falling Out
The clip of Masters Of Style Shaver The Rock on The Tonight Show talking about how one time his brahma balls slipped out did not make me want to 1) watch The Tonight Show, 2) put myself in a position where I may accidentally see Rock’s balls again or 3) go see Journey 2: The Mysterious Island. I did, however, want Sid to get booked on the Tonight Show and tell Jay Leno’s audience about that time he sh*t his pants.
Sad fact: Both The Rock and Jay Leno have main-evented at least one more wrestling pay-per-view than William Regal.
Best: John Laurinaitis Explaining Shawn Michaels
Triple H couldn’t decide if he wanted to be SERIOUS BUSINESS or funny (so he was both), but John Laurinaitis showing up was a happy moment, especially when he decided to explain in great detail who Shawn Michaels was to Triple H. You have to wonder whether or not Laurinaitis KNOWS he’s as good as he is, or if he’s doing it by accident and we’re all stuck in some complex pro wres version of Being There.
If Wrestlemania ends with Laurinaitis walking on water I will send them my life savings.