Will You Be My Creepy Valentine, Teenage Stranger? (And Morning Links)

By: 02.15.12

This is the worst reboot of Lolita ever.

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Kate Upton Gloriously Rejects Darren Rovell’s Valentine’s Day Advances On National TV – If you’re sick of reading about Kate Upton on With Leather, now you can read about her everywhere ELSE on UPROXX! Backlash! Now we’re all Ariel Meredith fans! [UPROXX]

This Man Has Tattoos of Every Major League Baseball Mascot – This Man Is Awesome. [Brobible]

Owen Wilson Balls So Hard In ‘Niggas In Midnight In Paris’ – Someone should rap behind clips of every Woody Allen movie. Do you think Big Bear has seen Stardust Memories? [UPROXX]

Important Dating Advice From The Ladies of ‘Jersey Shore’ – “Ladies, expect your man to not be a normal human being! He should be a weird color and have crazy rage issues. You’ll live happily ever after!” [Warming Glow]

Music’s 5 Newest Illuminati Inductees – Can we induct Chris Brown into the “getting shot out of a cannon into the sun”-inati? [Smoking Section]

The Superhero Movie Guilt Calculator — How Badly Did the Comics Industry Screw the Creators Behind 2012′s Superhero Blockbusters? – Not as badly as they screwed the creators of Daredevil by making that Daredevil movie where he throws dudes in front of subway trains. [Gamma Squad]

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 2/13/12 Embraces Hate, Melodrama, Wheelchair Violence – Seriously, whether you like wrestling or not, read pages 6 and 7 of this report. Funniest Raw in history. [With Leather]

The Dark Knight Rises Stole Our Food Truck Idea! – If they’re calling Batman’s plane “The Bat”, they should change the name of the Batmobile to “The Man”. [Film Drunk]

30 Surreal Photos Of A Chinese Sex Toy Factory – This is best read pretending some Chinese equivalent of Veruca Salt is up in the foreman’s office yelling I WANT A DIL-DOE ROIT NOW! [Buzzfeed]

What’s Your Sloth Name? – Brandon? I guess? I don’t know. [HuffPost Comedy]

Greg Brady, Danny Partridge, Sherilyn Fenn, Johnny Fever, Alice Cooper, and Bigfoot. Together Finally – I was hoping this was gonna be a reboot of The Stand. Oh well, close enough. [FARK]

Guess How Much Chris Pine Made For ‘This Means War’ – I can’t imagine there’s a single person in the world that says, “oh, Chris Pine is in that movie? I’ll have to go see it!” Five million dollars? You could’ve gotten JGL for like 1/5th of that. [Moviefone]

10 Things You Didn’t Know About Whitney Houston – Thing 11: She has nothing, nothing, nothing. If she don’t have you. [Popcrush]

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