Best: A Doctorate In Thuganomic Studies
A few inarguable truths about Doctor Of Thuganomics John Cena:
1. He looks stupid, and this is where he got the jorts in the first place.
2. He’s not particularly good at rapping.
3. He can be clever, but he does two terrible things: inserting a bunch of curious wording at the end of the first line to make you figure out what he’s gonna rhyme it with before he’s done with the second (example: “I bumped into the counter and knocked my SNACK OFF…”), and falling back too regularly on “my nuts” or “you’re gay/you masturbate” as a punchline. Seriously, dude mentions jacking off more than Childish Gambino mentions Asians.
However, the John Cena Character Success chart still plays out like this:
Robot John Cena > Rapping John Cena > Sarcastic Douchebag Post-Troops John Cena > Troops John Cena > Rookie With Ruthless Aggression and Underwear To Match Your Local Sports Team John Cena
So unless Rock’s planning to tear off a section of Cena’s face to reveal a hideous cybernetic eye, this is as good as it gets. I like how unforgivably uncool Cena allows himself to be in this character, and if all he’s gonna say is “Rock likes balls in his face” I appreciate the small amount of effort that went into constructing a rhyme scheme.
And hey, Cena’s got something over the Rock this week — he went over the same tired material (he should really move on from the wrist jokes, as appropriate as they are, because we get it) but at least built on what happened last week, mentioning the crowd’s kinda-sorta turn on Rock with the “Tooth Fairy” chant and outing Rock for having a boob job. People thought I was joking when I mentioned that in the 3/5 column. Trust me, folks, I’m not Tim and Eric enough to type “Rock had a boob job” and not mean it.
Worst: WWE’s Idea Of “Rap”
Part of what makes rap enjoyable is what we in the business (the wrestling blogging business) call “flow”, “the rhythms and rhymes” of a hip-hop song’s lyrics and how they interact. The problem with rapping for a wrestling crowd is that if you have any flow whatsoever, the crowd isn’t going to be able to follow and understand you. Why do you think wrestlers take such long pauses between sentence fragments? When they say “LAST WEEK” and pause, they’re waiting for you to say “what” and process “what he’s about to say happened last week”.
Anyway, WWE’s idea of rap is to write out a rhyming poem and read it like you’re giving a book report. If Cena’s rapping isn’t enough to prove this, check out every “rap contest” or whatever they’ve ever had. Vince gets a lot of sh*t for not seeing movies or TV shows until 10 years after they’re irrelevant, but the guy’s hip-hop awareness stopped somewhere around Rappin’ Rodney.
Remember when Kanye West was on ‘Def Poetry’ and thought “poem” meant “a song with no music” and gave his personal f**king poem a sung chorus? It’s like that, but in reverse. Also, if the Rock got 20 minutes to play one chord, Cena should’ve prepared a wrestling version of My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy in its entirety as a response. It practically writes itself. “I’ll call you hoeski for short/as a last resort and my first resort.”
Extra points if he refers to CM Punk as a “Chi-town nigga with a Nas flow”.
Best: Mark Price
F**k John Stockton.
Best: Better Call Black Saul
“If you’ve got a Twitter account, you’ve got an attorney!”
If I join WWE Creative in the next … let’s say, six weeks (hey, it could happen), my first pitch is going to be a follow-up on this graphic that goes deeper than whatever hashtaggery they’ve got planned. I want full-on ‘Fairly Legal’ style stories where Otunga valiantly fights for the rights of WWE Superstars and occasionally gets dragged out into the desert and held at gunpoint by the Undertaker and Evan Bourne in ski masks.
Also, an entire 90 minutes of Raw devoted to Otunga pulling a Henry Fonda and convincing a jury that maybe Big Bossman pulled up the briefcase, sure, but supposing he didn’t?