Best: Vickie Getting Heat On Daylight Savings Time
Aside from the David Otunga: Single Argyle Lawyer and the return of a particular funky space dinosaur, my favorite part of the show had to be Vickie Guerrero being booed for saying she hates daylight savings time. She said that she wanted to make daylight savings time illegal, and then goes EXCUSE ME and everyone NWO Hollywoods her with their voices.
How awesome is that? Not only for being the 10,000th verification that WWE audiences are booing you for who they’ve been told you are, not for what you do or say, but for the ridiculousness of the statement and the idea that anyone in the world would hate you for saying it. Like there’s some guy in the crowd going HEY, SHE DOESN’T WANT US TO MAKE BETTER USE OF DAYLIGHT. Vickie should come out every week with increasingly reasonable suggestions and see how long she gets booed, like
Vickie: “I think same sex couples should be afforded the same basic human rights as anyone else EXCUSE ME”
Crowd: “OH GOD BOOOO, BOOOOO”
until she’s exhausted every social idea and is just saying sh*t like “milk does a body good” to boos. They’ve already booed “don’t do drugs”, “woman politely refusing beer” and “healthy lifestyle choices”, so why not?
Best: This Kid
Hey kid, I know you’re trying to do the Sheamus taunt, but that’s how we used to make fun of retarded people.
Best: The “Explain GTV” Sign
I like fan signs that demand a response. I wish I was sitting across from him with a blank posterboard so I could write “THE G WAS SUPPOSED TO STAND FOR GOLDUST, BUT THEY HAD SOME PROBLEMS BRINGING HIM BACK AND I THINK THEY WANTED IT TO BE TOM GREEN, I DON’T KNOW, NOTHING FROM THAT ERA IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER” in block letters and hold it up.
Best I Guess: The Match Wasn’t Great, But I Like You Both, So Whatever
Sheamus and Dolph Ziggler are perfect opponents. Ziggler makes everything Sheamus does look like it’s been delivered for maximum damage, and Sheamus’s strikes and natural strength sorta reign in Ziggler’s wacky selling and make it look legitimate. If a guy the size of Sheamus kicks me in the face as hard as he can, I’m probably going to flip backwards headfirst at 100 miles-per-hour and spin like a top before collapsing, so it makes sense.
Unfortunately … I don’t know. I think it has something to do with the Raw style of matches rather than the people performing them, but I didn’t enjoy a lot of the wrestling on the night. I didn’t see anything particularly wrong with it, although I’m gonna use my Spidey-sense to assume that when Sheamus stood up out of the crucifix with Ziggler on his back he was trying to flip him up into a Schwein, but he’s not Goldberg so it didn’t work and they had to improvise a dumb, sudden thing where Sheamus runs shoulder-first into the ring post and just casually turns around and kicks Zig Zag Man to death for the win. “Flat” is one of the worst things people on the Internet say about wrestling matches, but aside from closely observed selling and a comparison of skin tones I wasn’t really into this.
Worst: No Vegan Options At Quicken Loans Arena
That’s why he’s upset. It has nothing to do with invasive questioning or whether or not he was rude to AJ last week, Daniel Bryan’s pissed because the only things he can eat at the Quicken Loans Arena (assuming he doesn’t have a problem with processed sugar) are
1. cotton candy
3. a pretzel if it’s “Super Pretzel” brand without any butter on it, but you know it’s got butter on it, and if it doesn’t it’s been under a heat lamp since 1865
4. nachos with no cheese
and if you’re gonna eat Q nachos with no cheese you might as well squirt some yellow mustard on your souvenir soda cup and throat that down, because Christ, food doesn’t get much worse. WWE.com should’ve filmed an exclusive where he and AJ go to Melt after the show and they’re just laughing and high-fiving and talking about Batman.
After I’ve finished my Otunga fiction, I’m having the ‘Man Vs. Food’ guy guest host Raw just so Bryan can jump and LeBell Lock him for his crimes against better sense.