Worst: Do Do Do Do Do Do, Girl Talk
Part of the Road To Wrestlemania fun is working out the card in your head as you go along, and last night’s briefest imaginable inclusion of the Divas, it looks like our Divas Championship match is set — Beth Phoenix will defend her Divas Championship against Eve Torres, because “boys”.
Hopefully I’m wrong. Hopefully Kharma will still be well enough to show up next week, shoot Eve out of a cannon and into the brick facade of the pillow factory and we can do the Beth/Kong thing everyone wants. Unfortunately, Hoeski-gate happened, and now Beth becomes the default babyface. What’s the quickest way to turn a Diva face? Romance anglez. Or farting.
The motivations here would be interesting if they weren’t being outlined by gerbils. Beth has a history of wanting to be the cool popular girl. She sees what Eve’s doing and likes it, so she wants in, both to validate her own sexual attractiveness to “Superstars” (remember, she once dated Santino, so she can’t have good self-confidence) and to get in with Eve, who she’s been jealous of for like a year and a half. Eve plays along at first because she likes “ugly girl” attention, but balks when Beth tries to butt in on her racket. With the right amount of character depth written into Beth Phoenix over the next few weeks it could work. Sadly somebody replaced WWE Creative’s dry erase board with a trashbag full of whoopies cushion.
Best: Funk Is Once Again On A Roll
Bringing Brodus Clay back as the Funkasaurus was a good call. So was replacing his Mike Knox Memorial Crossbody Finish with a simple jumping splash. Assuming we keep his music, entrance and Funkettes consistent, all we need to do is get him into some longer matches and give all his moves dinosaur names and we’re good.
Best: Let’s Go To Mahal … Today!
Come on, Jessica. Come on, Tori. Let’s go to Mahal, you won’t be soar-ry.
To restate what a lot of you seem to be saying, Jinder Mahal had to have seen this when Ted DiBiase went down with an injury. Creative was forced to toss Jinder in with the rest of the Funksaurus chum, because “brown bad guy Ted DiBiase” was the only idea they had. Hopefully now he can get back to replacing Zack Ryder as the Pedro from ‘Excel Saga’ of Raw.
Worst: Shawn Michaels Doesn’t Understand Irony
You know a segment is bad when Triple H pointing to his dick once was the best part. I think everybody got the whole “Shawn Michaels has pre-existing beef with the Undertaker, is friends with Triple H” thing from the Shawn Michaels guest referee announcement, I don’t think we needed a 15 minute segment where they old man mumbled at each other, f**ked up the specifics and explained how “something once happened, and now a different thing is happening” is “irony”.
Seriously, Shawn Michaels said that him being the guest referee at Wrestlemania is ironic, because he once lost to the Undertaker and now he can make the Undertaker lose. That’s not ironic, Shawn, that’s being vindictive, or schadenfreude at best. Taker should’ve responded with “Remember when Kane helped you defeat me in Hell In A Cell? That was derivative!”
Worst: Undertaker Doesn’t Understand Calendars
This is my new favorite pro wrestling-related Yahoo Answers exchanged, replacing the old one, “how is babby roode formed”.
Best: Who Put Undertaker In Charge Of The Galactic Empire
At least it finally explains why he can shoot lightning. He and Kane are having a “who can be most Star Wars” contest, I guess. Wrestlemania’s just gonna be two hours of board of directors negotiations with a hologram of Taker taking control and R-Truth standing around all upset in the background.