Best: James Roday As
Jeremy Borash Howard Finkel
Alternate joke: He was the best Roday in WWE since Jesse James.
Anyway, I’m not a fan of ‘Psych’ by any means (my WWE original series watching is determined by how many of your lead actors are hot mom-ish ladies in their early 40s) and his announcing voice made me turn down my television, but James Roday did something I love to see on pro graps TV: he had fun. “Scheduled for exactly one fall” was also pretty funny, and now I want a match to be scheduled for 1.2 fall.
So when is Callie Thorne gonna host Raw? Follow-up question, and it’s a two-parter … how do I get tickets to that Raw, and I am going to have sex with Callie Thorne.
Best: Chris Jericho’s Been Watching His ROH Tapes
I’ve read a lot of negative feedback online for Jericho breaking out “your father was an alcoholic” and effectively using alcoholism and addiction as impetus for a wrestling angle, and while I admit that alcoholism never plays well on big leagues TV (Scott Hall vomiting everywhere, Legionary of Doom Hawk falling off the TitanTron with hilarious suicide shadow), this is different, and it’s gonna work.
Two big things about CM Punk:
1. He’s better on the microphone than most people, so when he’s in a feud with a guy like Alberto Del Rio he sorta verbally overshadows them, and it seems less like a personal wrestling issue and more like a guy making wanking motions at nothing in particular. If you’re cooler and smarter than everyone you face, why do I want to pay to see you face anybody?
2. CM Punk works best when drugs and alcohol are involved. They’re his thing. They’re what made him stand out on the independent circuit, and what made him stand out in that post Chris Benoit thing where the popular stars needed to not necessarily have crazy drug brains. All of his best material (except for “Summer Of Punk”) involve him either deriding alcohol or being threatened with it.
So this is going to a good place. A guy who can hang with (or even overshadow) Punk on the mic gets him into an angle where he’s forced to be three dimensional and vulnerable, we get a great match or matches out of it, and at the end a bunch of WWE Universe kids get the “drugs and alcohol are bad” message, but this time they can cheer for it. That’s the thing … this isn’t huge babyface The Rock telling Punk he should go drink, it’s sh*thead asshole Chris Jericho. Jericho is clearly, clearly wrong and it’s Punk’s job to overcome. Easy, purposeful storytelling.
Worst: What Happens When Punk Runs Out Of Material?
My only problem is that we’re once again going to the “Stuff CM Punk Did Before He Got Here” well. We did the Straight Edge Society, we did the Summer of Punk, we did Punk on commentary and now we’re doing the Raven feud. Jericho already had a feud involving Ricky Steamboat, so after this, what’s left? Having The Miz try to scrape off Punk’s straight edge tattoo with a cheese grater?
Worst: Stop Showing These Matches, I Want To See The Commercials
Again, Jack Swagger and Randy Orton put on a pretty good TV wrestling match and I could barely care, through some combination of burnout and having eight minutes of the middle ripped out by commercial breaks. After the Otunga stories and the Man Vs. Food jagoff getting tapped, my first goal as Head Of Creative is to make the wrestling show look like a professional promotion putting on a wrestling show. Does UFC go to commercial in the middle of the f**king fights?
Swagger needed a good showing after losing to Santino last week, but Orton isn’t the guy to give it to him. Orton’s got a weird thing where he puts on good matches, but they’re always hurt by the fact that you can’t imagine Orton losing. He’s just going to win, no matter what happens. Outside of running into a World’s Strongest Slam once, I don’t think I’ve seen him get pinned by anything that wasn’t a “WHOOPS, SURPRISE MUSIC” roll-up or foreign object related.
Best: Kane Is The F**king Worst At Mind Games
I thought “make John Cena embrace hate so he can beat the Rock at Wrestlemania by getting him into a weird love triangle with his less popular friend and a girl they know” plan was bad, but Kane’s plan to get Randy Orton is even worse. Beat up some unassociated tag team guys, attack Orton once and then play your fire music to keep him from celebrating thoroughly. Is that it?
They should’ve jumped backstage to Kane at the catering table with like half a hoagie in his mouth, looking off to the side and saying “wait, was that my fire music” with his mouth full. And then a few minutes later we see him roll up to the production guy and be all “what the f**k, Jeff” and Jeff is all “sorry Kane, Orton was about to leave, I thought you were gonna run out and attack him”. And Kane just throws his hands up, barks “GOD Jeff, you never understand my plans” and storms away.