For the first time in my life, I’m ashamed of Cleveland.
Wait, that’s not right.
Worst: A Wordy Explanation Of Why The Rock Failed Last Night That You’ll Skip Because You Assume You Disagree, Because You Think The Rock Is Funny And Cena Can’t Wrestle And You Have The Objective Reasoning Of A Goat And Are Part Of The Problem
America’s Funniest Home Videos.
I mentioned it last week, but the worst part of any episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos is when they show, I don’t know, a grandma and her teeth fall out, and it makes a BEEEEYOOOOP~ sound effect and it’s only funny to the three people who are related to her who were in the room and sent in the video, but they cut to the crowd and grown f**king adults are just LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF. That’s The Rock Concert. 20 minutes of grandma’s teeth falling out and people losing their goddamn minds.
Last night, the Rock made two kinds of people laugh: those who laugh at funny words, and those who laugh because they’re supposed to.
He brought nothing new to the table. Two weeks ago, John Cena legitimately shook him up by mentioning his wrist notes, accepting his criticism with sarcasm, telling him he’s gonna beat the mess out of him at Mania and bailing. The next week, Rock regurgitated Cena’s act, showing up and leaving quickly after offering only “I’m a big guy and you’re a bitch”. That’s enough for the two kinds of people who laughed at the Rock concert, but I thought hey, maybe Rocky’s gonna do what I was suggesting and break out some good, easy-to-find-and-write material against Cena and make him work.
Last night was not that.
Last night was funny words. For everyone who criticized Cena for shrugging off the Rock’s insults and acting like he didn’t care, take at look at Rock here, ignoring the small amount of build they’ve actually had to touch on the following:
1. John Cena looks like Fruity Pebbles
2. John Cena is Kung Pao chicken
3. John Cena is a Teletubbie
4. John Cena has no balls
5. John Cena has a vagina
6. John Cena is gay and likes buttsex
7. John Cena’s mom is a whore
8. John Cena is only supported by pathetic virgins
Read that. That’s what you’re laughing at. The only halfway good burn in the entire thing was Cena having a wife and not ever bringing that up in the Eve situation, but even that was bookended by so much Snootchie Bootchies f**king babytalk jibberish that I couldn’t appreciate it. He’s not saying anything. I can’t compare him to many more things in popular culture to make you get what I’m saying. He’s Aziz Ansari’s “Raaaaaaaandy” character from Funny People. He’s making loud noises and jumping around in a circle and you’re pissing yourself with laughter.
The worst part of it all is that he’s ruining older segments that I love. The Rock Concert is one of my favorite things ever, and now I won’t be able to laugh about the Lakers beating the Kings in May without hearing Journey 2 star Dwayne Johnson mumbling his way through sh*tty Queen karaoke. He’s Chris Benoiting his old segments for me.
And lord, for a guy who thinks Cleveland rocks so much, he sure isn’t consistent about it.
Long story short, this was agony. This isn’t about which guy I like more or which guy is “winning” the feud, it’s about 20 minutes of wasted TV where a guy plays one chord on a guitar and makes rhyming gags about buttf**king. The only Best here is that he’ll be gone in a few weeks.
Worst: Photoshop Jokes Have A Special Place In Wrestling Hell
They are the worst.
Does this make you laugh? If so, does the picture of Tweety bird with YOU SAY BITCH LIKE IT’S A BAD THING memed across the top that your Mom clicked on and shared on Facebook the other day make you laugh?
Worst: Rock Has No Idea Freddie Mercury Was Gay, Does He
Even those of you who think the anal rape remix of Jailhouse Rock was hilarious cannot possibly forgive the Rock for the ending of this segment, wherein he stammered through a parody of Queen’s “We Will Rock You”. I don’t want to be melodramatic and call it the worst thing I’ve ever seen in wrestling, but I just gave a Katie Vick clip a thumbs up on YouTube.
My advice, if you really must continue praising Rock and condemning Cena, is to just say f**k them both and put your time and fan effort into the Punk/Jericho story, or better yet, save your 60 Wrestlemania dollars and by three discs of anything from Smart Mark Video. I don’t care if you buy CZW with it. CZW is awful, but at least nobody photoshops Masada’s head onto Spongebob Squarepants and calls it a main event.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
“I know why you are a Vegan, Daniel Bryan. It’s because your father was a T-Rex.”
Pro Tip: Hire Ziggler to fake-mug you, then kick his ass and impress your lady.
Speak for yourself Couzacution, all of my sh*tty jokes deserve to be in the top 10 of the week, and if they are not, I will write a strongly worded letter to your supervisor!
Can’t wait to see Ziggler sell the Brough kick LIKE A F**KING BOSS
What Daniel Bryan was able to scout from this match: “Do not let the big white man kick you in the face”
“I know why you wear that jacket, Jericho. It’s because your father was a broken lamp.”
“I’ve felt something I’ve never felt before” Zack is just now hitting puberty.
I hope Brodus Clay gets within a foot of the ring and is stopped and sent to the back in favor of a video package
TUNE INTO TO SMACKDOWN FOR THE THRILLING CONCLUSION OF THE UNDERTAKER WALKING TO THE RING!
ITS LIEK TEN THOUSAND SPOONS…UUHHH.. WELL ALL YOU NEED IS A KNIFE…UUUHH
See you next week.