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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 3/19/12: Little Mac Versus Bald Bull

By 03.21.12

Best: Mark Henry Getting To Dominate

It was another example of a match gutted by commercial break, but what we saw of it ruled hard — if we’re allowed to be cynical about it, John Cena was strong-armed into “selling” by an In Real Life car accident, and Mark Henry was happy enough to make it easy for him by throwing him around and running into him at every opportunity. Until it devolved into another pointless pissing contest between Tweeting beefers, it was a pleasant reminder of how good Mizark has gotten, and how easily he can be utilized as the toughest and most insurmountable six-foot-by-15-foot object on the planet.

Worst: Doesn’t The Nation Of Domination Mean ANYTHING To You

Much like the singing promos and the catchphrase-a-thons that get huge reactions, I don’t understand anything The Rock says or does. That’s where my biggest problems with him lie. I just don’t know why a 3-D adventure for kidz movie star who was literally born into a job that he didn’t want until his football career petered out and has wrestled exactly once in the last eight years is suddenly so life or death about a match with a guy who wrestles to the exact same reaction every goddamn day. All I can tell is that he doesn’t like John Cena’s clothes and wants to make him a bitch. And then … ?

Beating up Mark Henry was, I guess, supposed to “send a message” to John Cena that he could easily do what Cena struggled to, and he could dispatch a monster like Mark Henry with one move. What we got was a match between Mark Henry and a guy who was in a car accident, the car accident guy fought him for several minutes and eventually powered through and won, so The Rock came out fresh as a daisy and hit a move on a guy who’d just spent 10 minutes wrestling with whom he has absolutely no issue whatsoever. Like when Rock showed up to team with Cena because he hated The Miz and R-Truth so much, expecting us to just imagine all those times when he’d mentioned it before.

I don’t know. He’s important to wrestling and is apparently still good at it, and he sells tickets and pays-per-view so I guess they know what they’re doing, but Jesus, I wish I could follow it from week to week without a troglodyte decoder ring.

Worst: ATTN WWE, Re: Maria Menounos

Oh God.

Okay, the worst Worst of the show goes to the Divas Championship developments for Wrestlemania. A week after teasing an interpersonal issue with Eve Torres, Beth Phoenix ends up on EXTRA getting the “heh, maybe I’ll SHOW YOU SOME MOVES” average-person-pretending-to-be-wrestling treatment from host Maria Menounos to set up Beth TEAMING with Eve to face Kelly Kelly and a Hot Goss celebrity Kardashian-jockey.

Imagine if that Vader interview from Good Morning Kuwait had ended with Vader and Undertaker teaming up to face Bassam al Othman and the Road Dogg at SummerSlam.


Worst: I Really Don’t Care What They’re Doing With The Miz

I’m starting to just tune out anything involving Sheamus or The Miz on these March Raws. They’ve been in such a crazy, noticeable holding pattern that I feel like I’m watching torrents of old shows. They established that Sheamus had a title shot back in January, and they’re doing an okay job of progressing that on Smackdown, but on Raw he just appears and smiles and holds out his arms and kicks and vanishes. They established that The Miz wanted a spot on the Wrestlemania card at LEAST several weeks ago, and they’ve done nothing but have him reiterate that and fail ever since.

If it leads to him getting a sympathy Skull-crushing Finale on Hornswoggle and joining Team Johnny, that’s fine, just hurry up and do it. If Sheamus is really in the sh*t with Daniel Bryan, let’s see them interact on Raw. Don’t just show me wrestlers and expect me to know wrestling’s happening. Write words for them to say and actions for them to perform. I feel like I’m watching ‘The Walking Dead’ with all this hopeful inactivity.

Worst: Tornadoes Are Keeping Me From Enjoying This Wrestling

I try not to overload these reports with personal asides too often (I have a girlfriend! I’m vegan! Did you know these things!), but last night Monday night saw one of the worst storms to hit central Texas in ages. I spent a lot of Raw meandering out onto my balcony to listen to sirens, watch spotlights and get bothered by swirling clouds. We were on a severe tornado watch for most of Raw, so Miz vs. Sheamus was more about me finding socks and putting on shoes.

So yeah, pretend like Sheamus/Miz led to something crazy happening and I just missed it. They were both attacked by MAD BLANKEY from Dragon Gate and Cyber Kong spray painted some abs on Mizanin. Something like that.

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