The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 3/26/12: Taking A Bullet For A Vegan

By: 03.27.12  •  145 Comments

Worst: Do Not Cheer For Zack Ryder

Remember when CM Punk spent like three months telling Triple H and John Laurinaitis to take their balls out of someone’s purse and “be a man” or whatever, and it was weird because Stephanie doesn’t really do anything but orchestrate Be A Star assemblies and Laurinaitis’ wife has never been on TV or done anything? Remember how the crowd booed them so much because their BALLS were in a LADY PURSE?

Why are you still cheering for Zack Ryder?

From a kayfabe point of view, Ryder has his balls in Eve’s purse. He was lovesick over her for a month until she did one bad thing to him, so he called her a whore on television and on the Internet and made the crowd chant “hoeski” at her the next time he saw her. So then she pulls her tits out and is all “hey Zack” and he INSTANTLY is lovesick over her again, being dragged around by his dick for no real reason, because “using Zack Ryder” accomplishes what for you exactly, getting leverage for US title shots? He’s a wiener who stopped winning matches because he’s Adam from that one episode of ‘Workaholics’ where he ditches The Wizards to become a bodybuilder.

From an objective point of view, what’s there to cheer? He does two moves with a hopping taunt between them, and his finish is jumping purple balls to the face. He says catchphrases without setting them up. He’s a perfectly cromulent pro wrestler, but the natural enthusiasm and sense of urgency that made us wish he was on TV is gone, and his self-aware mockery of the terms and conventions of pro wrestling have been replaced by t-shirts and commemorative sock bracelets or whatever. He’s the Waldo Geraldo Faldo of Raw, and not the funny WHAT YOU GON DO NOW WILLIE one, not even the Eddie Winslow’s friend one, the one from the later seasons who becomes a chef and gets into all sorts of f**king drama about how he’s stupid.

Best: Mark Henry Beating Khali Slightly More Easily Than Big Zeke

Here’s the entire match:

1. Great Khali attacks Mark Henry

2. Great Khali chops Mark Henry in the head with his big open monster hand

3. Mark Henry says nuts to this and just World’s Strongestly Slams Khali like it was nothing and wins.

I’m not going to complain about the shortness of a match when it plays out so perfectly. This is how a Great Khali/Mark Henry match SHOULD play out. It’s how almost EVERY Mark Henry match should play out, and if we’re gonna job out Khali to every Tom, Dick and Big Show in the world we might as well let the Strongest Man in it scoop him up like a big ugly baby and smear him on the canvas.

Mark Henry’s mean faced yelling is the most serious thing in wrestling, and I love it. I will buy any pay-per-view event partially promoted by having Mark Henry yell imprecise threats to people at ringside. WHO’S NEXT?

Best: R-Truth Being Helpful

Here is R-Truth’s attempt to break through Team Johnny’s defenses and save Peanut Head from being turned into Peanut Butter:


That’s right, he ran to the ring, jumped into the once place where there were still partially standing people, rolled off of them harmlessly, held David Otunga’s butt for a moment and then rolled over onto the ground. Nobody touched him, nobody hurt him, nobody prevented him from running like a foot to the left or right and helping … he just jumped once and laid his ass down.

Worst: Don’t Just Stand There Threatening Him All Day, Jesus

Teddy Long could’ve been shoot murdered at least 100 times between Mark Henry cornering him and Booker T showing up to save the day. I hope there was at least a conversation going on we couldn’t hear to explain why Henry was taking so long, like maybe Teddy was offering to put him in tag team matches are something and Henry needed clarification on when Long would pay his air bill. I don’t know. They should’ve gone the Pat Patterson route and had Teddy stall by offering Mark a condom. We know he’s got a history of sexual addiction.

Basically I just want this to end with Teddy Long getting mauled, and if Wrestlemania’s gotta have 30 minutes of Rock-speak and victories for Sheamus, Big Show and CM Punk, the least they can do is give Peanut Head the Verdict and stand over him triumphantly for a few seconds

Best: Booker T Is A Better Choice Than Mick Foley

He is. I’m not gonna link to the podcast again (sike), but I explained my point of view there … not only is Booker in better physical shape than Foley (and a better wrestler at this point), but he’s not a celebrity wrestler popping in to get a big paycheck, he’s a guy who’s been there every week in some capacity contributing to the show. THAT’S the guy who deserves the spot on the show.

Plus, Foley is dangerously close to Flair levels of indifference for his appearances. All he’s got left is the sock thing, and Santino can cover that. Booker can at least fall down without pulling a lung.

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