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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 3/5/12: In Celebration Of Transvestite Wonder Women

By 03.06.12

Worst: He’s Still Not Saying Anything

He’s a pretty funny guy when he’s pre-taped and can wear his sunglasses so you can’t see him reading cue cards, isn’t he?

I feel like I should be more upset about Rock once again breaking out “transvestite” as an insult (or the suggestion that wristbands make you a “transvestite Wonder Woman, fightin’ crime” … are you saying that Cena is a woman in drag, which is why he’s wearing shorts and a t-shirt instead of a corset and U.S. flag panties? Has he ever tried to deflect something with his wristbands or has he just used them to 1) sell merch and 2) catch sweat? Remember when you wore a full track suit for like three months to cover the scars from your boob job? Has John Cena ever tried to fight crime? At least make a joke about how his flying shoulderblocks look like that and hurt you so much because he’s piloting an invisible jet into you), but whatever.

I’m more worried about the people they keep cutting to in the audience, slapping their thighs and laughing like they just saw a baby hit somebody in the nuts with a plastic bat on America’s Funniest Home Videos because the Rock said “transvestite”. You are why we can’t have nice things.

For the first and only time on the night, Rock’s got a good point … a lot of Cena’s merchandise is worthless and stupid, but there’s gotta be a better way than picking up a John Cena toothbrush, shouting FAGGOT PISS at your camera crew and throwing a bunch of sh*t into a lake. And to quote Johnny Gargano, how do you turn a ball sideways?

Best: Garden Gnomes Are For Virgins, Right

The best part of this Rock promo (besides how it made me yell WHERE’S MY SUPER SUIT WHERE’S MY SUPER SUIT NYAH HEE HEE and run around my living room clapping my hands) is the garden gnome. Rock picked up the John Cena “you can’t see me” brand garden gnome, asked which “fourth dimension of Hell” (assumedly “blue Hell”) it came from, announced that its owner is a virgin and tossed it in the water.

Two things he doesn’t realize:

1. how useful that thing would be as Rock-It Launcher ammunition

2. It comes from the same dimension of Hell as this one:


So is John Cena still to blame for his crappy merchandise, or are you both transvestites?

Worst: I Missed This Entire Segment

I went upstairs near the end of the commercial break to check on the Open Discussion Thread. The show came back on and I heard Eve’s music, so I closed the browser, sighed deeply and walked back down the stairs. By the time I turned to look at the television, Eve was pinning Alicia Fox and it was over. 33 seconds bell to bell. that’s it. Either Eve needs an instant Diva’s Championship shot for being the Goldberg of the division or Alicia Fox is a turtle with 1 HP, is destined for death and should consider a job where she won’t get knocked down once and lose her will to live. At least pretend you bumped your head on the way down or something. Jesus Christ.




The quick version: there are only three female WWE characters. The bitch, the ugly fat one or the pointing happy one who loves to entertain you the fans and is happy to take off her clothes at any time or kiss Lillian Garcia on the mouth to do so. None of those are empowered women. I will never expect WWE to understand, and will continue to be shocked when they don’t.

Kelly Kelly Favorite Buttkicker

Best: Kelly Kelly Is Actually The Best Option For This Award

If you go to you can vote for the various Kids Choice Awards 2012 categories, including a Favorite TV Actor where Ty Burrell from ‘Modern Family’ is seriously pitted against the red Power Ranger Samurai and Favorite Buttkicker, featuring Kelly Kelly.

What’s weird is that despite Kelly spending the last year screaming in submission holds and then victory rolling folks out of nowhere, she’s the best choice to win. She’s up against f**king Jessica Alba of all people and Tom Cruise, who is the type to show up and smile all disingenuously when Moose tricked him into saying “I don’t know”. Also in the category is Twilight star/shaved llama Taylor Lautner, whose time spent in Robert Rodriguez’s chasmic shaft of no ideas puts us one step closer to the WWE vs. TNA fan fic I wish the Kids Choice Awards was.

Hopefully WWE can buy her a “Favorite Person Who Rubs Their Asshole In Your Face On Television” blimp and skips the formalities.

Worst: Has Zack Ryder Ever KNOWN A Handicapped Person?

Zack_Ryder_WWE_Cane_WalkI don’t know if Zack Ryder is trying to get on Botchamania or if he’s just never seen or known a person with an injury, but dude, take 20 seconds and observe an old person. That’s not how you walk with a cane. That’s how you walk with a cane if you’re the guy from Boyz II Men.

And you know, I don’t want to be a reality buzzkill (especially since “broken back” was downgraded to “herniated disc”, which was downgraded to “wearing a neckbrace but it’s okay to shove me down, bro”), but at least give me some footage of Ryder going through rigorous physical therapy to drum up some sympathy before he shows up good as new with a f**king Ma$e limp and a band-aid on his forehead.

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