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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 3/5/12: In Celebration Of Transvestite Wonder Women

By 03.06.12


Worst: John Cena’s E-Fed Promo

No matter what “side” you’re on in the Cena/Rock deal, you can’t be a stan, and you have to say “okay, that wasn’t great” when their thing wasn’t great.

I am firmly on Team Poopy (or the CeNation, or whatever he’s calling it), but the melodramatic empty arena promo from Cena last night was not only agony, it was the most e-fed promo in WWE history. A guy sitting by himself in his merch in an empty arena with a 2,000 word pre-written statement about how important the upcoming match is to him, and it’s full of references to actual sports? All he needed to do was run into a celebrity by accident and put some strangers through a table with his finisher to show how tough he is and it would’ve been every bad e-thing I’ve ever read. Maybe he should’ve included a midget dressed as The Rock.

I don’t know. It just didn’t work. It didn’t sparkle with Cena’s actual on-screen approach, which was dynamite (which I’ll talk about later). It was full of doubt, full of that same insincere undercurrent as Rock’s “I’m gonna cause an anti-Cena revolution” thing where a loss to Rock at Wrestlemania changes EVERYTHING~, and ten years get erased and nobody remembers second place and Rock will reign as Benevolent Dictator for Life and Cena will either disappear from the timeline or get shoveled back into his previous life as a ditch digger.

You know what happens if you lose to Rock, John? It sucks, but he goes off to make movies and you keep being WWE’s Top Guy. That’s it. I think that’s what Actual John knows, which is why he shows up so confidently when he and Rock are face-to-face. Like TV John has to act one way, and Actual John says f**k the lemons and bails.

Best: The Teddy Long Tag Team Extravaganza

Wrestling show analysis you don’t need: Daniel Bryan and Chris Jericho teaming against CM Punk and Sheamus was a good TV tag match. It wasn’t anything special, really, and when I got to this section where I was supposed to write about it I couldn’t remember a lot, but at the risk of evoking the Net Cop it was Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling. Great, now I’m gonna turn around and find 10 John Cena Garden Gnomes in my garden.

Anyway, a few things stood out, including …


Right, but besides that.

Worst: Robbing Me Of Match History

… the fact that on a Teddy Long-hosted episode of Raw, a tag team match was made featuring four big stars and I didn’t get even so much as a Exclusive about WHY.

I complain a lot about Peanut Head’s tropes, but I feel badly when he acts outside of them. How easy would it’ve been to start with another CM Punk and Jericho confrontation about being the Best In The World, only for them to be interrupted by Daniel Bryan, who claims HE’s the Best In The World (and he is right). Things almost come to blows, so Teddy Long thugs and bugs out and says HOLE ON A MINNENT PLAYA and tells the Double-dublya-ee universe that it’s gonna be a tag TEAM match with Daniel Bryan (dramatic pause) teaming up with Chris Jericho (dramatic pause) to face (hurry up and say it, we know you’re gonna say CM Punk and another guy) CM Punk and … THIS MAN, and then we’ve hit all the major points, including

1. Impromptu tag match

2. Teddy’s weird stroke-speak

3. Sheamus as Teddy’s new go-to impromptu match punishment guy

AND we get the match. Come on, guys, you’ve conditioned me to expect certain things from your writing, don’t make me write them myself.

Best: Chris Jericho’s Dickslap Hot Tag


I think Bryan’s expression says it all. That’s taking the Midnight Express “crawl over on your knees and hug your partner around the waist” thing to dangerous new places.

Worst: Time Travelin’ Rock

I keep trying to convince myself otherwise, but maybe I’m just a hater.

The question I have to ask myself is, “how much would you enjoy this exact same bit if it was delivered by a wrestler you like?” More specifically, “delivered by a wrestler you like who isn’t shouting”.

It’s something to think about. The gist of the promo is that if John Cena had been a part of the American Revolution we wouldn’t have won, and we’d all be British. However, if The Rock had been a part of the American Revolution, we not only would’ve won, The Rock would have slept with a lot of period-specific women, been credited with the invention of electricity and would’ve shoved a bunch of feathers up John Cena’s asshole. It was a lot like when Michelle’s friend Derrick sang Yankee Doodle on ‘Full House’ in both execution and intent.

So, let’s fantasy book backwards to when David Otunga mentioned his plan to make John Laurinaitis the permanent general manager of both Raw and Smackdown. Imagine that instead of sipping his coffee and star-wiping to Zack Ryder or whatever, Otunga expounded, mentioning that he’d used his Harvard education and connections to help create a time machine. He says that if he and Laurinaitis go back to the American Revolution they could bring excitement to the colonies, give Benedict Arnold an Ace Crusher and establish the Laurinaitis name as synonymous with cultural growth. So then, he says, they pop back into 2012 (where the Laurinaitis family is now Full Alternate 1985 Biff Tannen) and not only will John be the GM of Raw and Smackdown, he’ll own the WWE and be President Of The United States And Its Colonies. Then either Laurinaitis scrunches up his face, says “that’s a stupid idea, David” and leaves, or they do it and we get a month and a half of Otunga and Laurinaitis on Peabody and Shermanic voyages throughout history, learning about what makes our country great and giving The Verdict to its enemies.

Either way, wouldn’t that be amazing? So why does it bother me when The Rock puts on a tri-corner hat and is all I’M GONNA F**K BETSY ROSS IN HER ASS IF YA SUH-MELLLLLALALALALALALLOWWW?

Best: These Guys Watching The Rock’s Jokez

I’m right there with you, guys.

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