The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 3/5/12: In Celebration Of Transvestite Wonder Women

By: 03.06.12

Worst: DANGER, Watch For Falling Careers

This match was half the length of the Eve/Alicia Fox match. Other than “frowny face emoticon”, I can’t think of a lot to say about it.

I think Miz would benefit most by being the Lex Luger of his time and jumping to TNA before his contract is up. He can convince Panda Express or Sugarbaker Designs or whoever’s in charge of the Impact checkbook to drop a ton of money on him and make him the most important person in company history, then spend three or four years there in the style of Christian Cage, getting super good in the ring and surrounding himself with enough ignorant, forgettable stories that he can waltz back into the E as a bad-ass 34-year old and average 3-6 aborted championship runs a year. Bonus points if he stops by WWFX briefly and Skull-crushingly Finales John Morrison into something solid.

Alternate plan: Freshen up, stupid.

Best: Cody Rhodes Is Killing It

If you didn’t laugh at Cody Rhodes’ embarrassing Big Show Wrestlemania moment being footage of him wandering around WWF New York like an unenthusiastic and nigh-abandoned idiot, you’re watching wrestling wrong.


AJ was so cute back then, wasn’t she?

Worst: This One Is Exclusively About Dick Jokes, I’m Fast Forwarding

Rock’s third (third!) video promo of the night pretty much begins and ends with him suggesting that John Hancock had a big dick because he had “cock” in his name, and if that isn’t reason enough for you to say “okay, maybe this is sh*tty and for babies” I don’t know what to tell you. He said he had a cock like John Hancock. He said he had a cock like John Hancock.

That’s somehow worse than when he mentioned he was 25% black, 25% Samoan and 50% “Clydesdale” because his dick is horse-sized. At least that was saved by the suggestion that Rock’s horse dick is more important to him than his racial heritage. This is just the word “cock”.

Best: R-Truth Notices The Fourth Wall

Sadly it didn’t make the cut in the WWE Fan Nation video, but R-Truth doing a picture-in-picture interview and having to stop in the middle because he realized he didn’t know who he was talking to was great. This is the kind of comedy WWE should be doing more of … character based stuff that is aware of its environment and embraces it instead of picking it apart.

Even more sadly, that was followed by a Kane vs. R-Truth match, which was more than four times the length of Miz vs. Big Show and exactly as bad as you’d imagine.

Worst: Randy Orton Is The Least Appropriate Person To Feud With Kane Now

Since his return, Kane has:

1. Forgotten about Mark Henry breaking his ankle in favor of bothering John Cena about his t-shirts

2. Spent two months trying to literally murder Zack Ryder and force Cena into accusatory love triangles in an effort to make John “embrace hate”, because he’ll need to be really hateful (?) if he stands a chance against the Rock, who Kane I guess hates for some unspecified reason, but probably for that time Rock said he had a burned-up John Hancock.

So what’s he doing now that Cena is directly involved with the Rock storyline and people who aren’t in feuds with each other can’t interact? Why, trying to force Randy Orton to … be welcomed back, or embrace hate or wear t-shirts or … something. It’s not really clear.

If he’s trying the same act with Orton that he did with Cena he’s an idiot, because Orton’s whole deal is that he hates EVERYTHING, including his Mormon stable of wives, and is willing to RKO Stacy Keibler or kick John Cena’s dad in the head to prove a point. Contextually, Randy Orton is WAY more evil than Kane. It’s the difference between Walter White and Tuco. Tuco might flip out over nothing and punch you to death, sure, but at least he’s got the decency to be forthright and crazy about it. Walter White is a f**king monster.

Recommendation: Make Kane’s reason for beating up Randy Orton be “Christian needs one more title shot”.

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