LOL Worst: Why Does Joe Louis Arena Have A Spooky Fog Chamber
I’m gonna go ahead and lump all the Kane/Randy Orton/secretly handicapped Paul Bearer segments into one thing for the sake of economy and so I don’t have to remember how long it took for them to happen. The poor ladies of Checkbook were forced to improvisationally narrate Kane’s unfathomably long in-ring speech and after what felt like a f**king fortnight it had devolved into them going “nghhhhhhh I’m Kannneeeeee, KANEEEEEEE”. Watching the clips with audio a day later I wish I’d just stuck with that.
In fact, here’s a quick mini Best And Worst bonus round so we can keep our Kane negativity to a minimum:
Minibest: Randy Orton is only here to kidnap a guy backstage but he still doesn’t wear pants. He even has to go into a freezer!
Miniworst: So uh, has Paul Bearer been dead for the last two years or just tied to that chair? Did Randy Orton kidnap him and bring him to Detroit, or did he just find him backstage somewhere or coax him into showing up via some clandestine message sitcom style? Like, did Paul Bearer get all dressed up and fly to Detroit because he thought his old girlfriend from high school was gonna be there?
Minibest: Joe Louis Arena has a gigantic Dreamatorium room where they’re playing The Mist. I wanted a tentacle to swoop outta there and drag The Shermanator to his death. And even funnier, Joe Louis Arena has the biggest freezer ever and it’s full of smoke and colored lighting. Have you ever been IN a freezer? It’s a normal f**king room, it’s just cold.
Miniworst: Paul Bearer gets saved by Kane, only to be killed again by Kane (?) because KANE IS A MONSTER. Destiny had two theories: 1) Kane pulled Paul Bearer out and pulled the tape off his mouth so he could eat and survive in the freezer, and 2) Kane knew Paul Bearer was about to die and put him back in the freezer to preserve him until a cure could be found.
Minibest: Randy Orton and Kane are seriously feuding over who can beat up whose dad the most.
Best: Alex Riley Is A Little F**king Tattle-Tail
I’m gonna do the same thing for the CM Punk/Chris Jericho “antics”, but I wanted to give a special Best to Alex Riley for making his return to Raw as (judging by his clothes) a foodserver who just witnessed the opposite of Hospitaliano and has to run and tell his boss.
Amazingly enough, I think Chris Jericho believes what he’s saying. He sees CM Punk walk into a bar, right, and your brain says “okay, Jericho knows what he’s saying is ridiculous but alcoholism is a touchy subject for Punk so whatever dumb thing he says will sting so he’s just f**king with him”. But then this week Chris Jericho delivers a pic-a-nic basket of alcohol to Punk’s dressing room, then stops by later to see him DRINKING FROM A SOLO CUP and is all OH SH*T HE’S DRINKING WHISKEY. Because everybody drinks whiskey out of a f**king red Solo cup. So maybe Jericho’s just an idiot and doesn’t know how drinking works. Remember, he wasn’t actually born in Canada.
Next week they should have a backstage segment where Alex Riley is standing next to Jeff the production guy or whoever and just kinda shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head and goes “pffft, oh man, what a week. Did you see last week when CM Punk was drinking BEERS?”
Best: Alberto Del Rio And Cody Rhodes Are A Team I Can Get Behind When They Aren’t Doing This
Great Khali and Big Show have an awesome tag team strategy: have Great Khali stand in the ring moving his arms for as long as possible, then chokeslam guys. It’s the new version of Andre’s old “be fat, try to only get your arms trapped in the ropes once or twice” style of battle royal master-planning.
Across the ring, Alberto Del Rio and Cody Rhodes are my favorite non-vegan members of the WWE roster. Individually they are fascinating characters, and with even a small amount of effort they could be written as easy best friends or tense-but-cooperative enemies. Unfortunately for the Raw viewing audience they are Literally interchangeable with Primo and Epico as the Small Guys Who Run At Khali. It’s extremely disappointing, but whatever, Alberto and Cody are on my screen so I can only complain so much.
In a perfect world, this Khali/Show team will continue long enough for Show to drop the IC title back to Rhodes, because it seriously doesn’t make sense for Show to be lugging it around in pointless tag matches. I’d like to see Khali and Show take the tag straps from Team Rosa Mendes Gif and hold them long enough for Evan Bourne to get his sh*t together, because I honestly believe an extended Air Boom/Biggest Slowest Guys Ever thing could work. JUMP!
Best: Say What You Will About Miz’s Sad Career But YouTube Prelims Are Cool
Alex Riley gets a spot on Raw, Brock Lesnar gets two of the same video package and former WWE Champion/WrestleMania main-eventer The Miz gets a YouTube title shot against a smiling guy who does the splits and has a hand puppet you have to sell like a Tron projectile.
That’s extremely sad for him, but it’s still technically a title shot, and it’s still technically a title shot on (or at least at) a pay-per-view. Hell, a United States Championship match actually being announced as part of a show card feels daisy fresh. If WWE is gonna yank everything from UFC anyway, YouTube prelims are a great place to start. Even if it doesn’t influence last minute show buys, it gets people who have no interest in your goddamn Road Dogg Daniel Tosh shows a reason to spend half an hour on your YouTube channel.
Best/Worst: Teddy Long As The Right Hand Of Laurinaitis
The Best comes from Teddy Long standing there like a cigar store Indian in his Stop Making Sense suit until Laurinaitis summons him and sends him out on some dumb menial task mission he doesn’t want to do. That’s good. The Worst is the result of the Best: Teddy Long ends up anchoring a bunch of segments that would otherwise involve Laurinaitis.
If Teddy Long’s gonna be the focus of so much Raw, they should change the second hour to “Life During Raw Is Wartime”.