Best: Zack Ryder Encapsulated By His Own Sneak Attack
Friend of the column/gif and screen-grab specialist THESTINGER said it best when he mentioned how Zack Ryder attacked Kane “like a child trying to stop his father from beating up his mother”, and how Kane no-selling Ryder’s punches was hilarious. I can’t come up with a more appropriate description than that. As disappointing and uncomfortably unimportant as The Miz can be, Zack Ryder’s utter futility and helplessness is starting to go past bad and back around to good. On any upcoming Raw we run the risk of Ryder’s dad accidentally walking into the locker room while Zack’s got his dick in a pie. “I just accidentally drank a beer with sperm in it! Woo woo woo, you know it!”
I wish Michael Cole hadn’t spent the last two years screaming about nerds, because a huge group of popular WWE Superstars are turning into sad nerds of such a harsh degree that A GUY WRITING A PRO WRESTLING COLUMN ON A BLOG WHO OWNS TWO DANIEL BRYAN SHIRTS AND GENE SNITSKY’S PROP BABY BLANKET can’t identify. When AJ shows up on Halloween dressed like Kitana from Mortal Kombat, that connects with me. When CM Punk namedrops Volk Han, I nerd out appropriately. Watching Ryder go “daw c’mon” to a girl with no interest in him and getting kicked in the nuts just makes me really happy I’m not Zack Ryder.
Best: Randy Orton Got Back His WrestleMania Win, So No More Supernatural Father Feuding Plz
That’s a wrap, everybody! Randy, great job with the kidnap murder. Kane, see you at Smackdown on Tuesday, we’re gonna do a thing with you where you light Jared from Subway on fire.
That’s where we need to go with this. Randy Orton got a contextually clean victory over The Monster Kane to bring them even, and the worst thing we can do is stretch it out and book the rubber match in four days or whatever at Over The Limit. Kane beat up Randy Orton’s dad, Randy Orton beat up Kane’s dad, they fought with props and now they’re coolsies. That’s how every feud with Kane should happen — he should start the cycle by picking one random person, spend a few weeks moo-hoo-hoo-ha-ha-ha’ing at them, punch their Aunt in the throat in week 3 and finish it off at the pay-per-view. Then, win or lose, he moves on to another person. He should be exactly like Clavicus Vile in ‘Skyrim’ … he’s all “Raaaandyyyy, RKO BARBAS”, and whether Barbas gets R’d-KO or not he becomes a part of the statue and we go finish a different quest somewhere else.
Best: The Teddy Long Nametag
Worst: The Fact That It Doesn’t Say “Hello! My Name Is Peanut Head”
Maybe I’m just an asshole, but I feel like Teddy Long should be emasculated and demeaned by everyone he works with as some sort of penance for all those times the Steiners put him in a shark cage and raised him to the top of the arena only for him to still have a foreign object and throw it down to the Skyscrapers, or Doom or whoever.
Teddy is a great example of WWE telling you to like someone and expecting you to like them. It works, but I hate it. Teddy hasn’t done anything admirable in his entire wrestling career. He was a bad-slash-blind referee, then he became a cheating, jerk manager. When that fell through he went back to being a terrible referee (to date there have been exactly two admirable referees: Mark Curtis and Bryce Remsburg) (maybe Joe Higuchi too if he hadn’t counted so slowly and spent 1972-1984 falling down every time something important happened). When that didn’t work, he became a racist, and somehow parlayed that into running Smackdown. During his era of Smackdown, his only contributions were to make non-stop tag matches and have a heart attack at his own stupid in-ring wedding.
In contrast, John Laurinaitis is responsible for helping sign all of your favorite WWE Superstars to WWE contracts, used to high five kids while holding a skateboard and the worst thing he’s done onscreen since taking the General Manager job is f**k with the success of the one guy who is always purposelessly mean to him. And he fired John Morrison. Boo everyone onscreen but him.
Worst: This Funkasaurus Feud Needs To End With Ziggler Going Figurative Columbine On Somebody
Ziggler needs to flip the hell out about losing to this fat dancing dinosaur in four minutes and go apesh*t on him, jump him in the parking lot, drive into him with a forklift, get Team Disrespected Widow on the same page and f**k him up. I don’t know, but if I sat through two minutes of dancing, lost immediately and had to sit through two more minutes of dancing I would be Travis Bickle in a goddamn heartbeat.
Kudos to them elevating Brodus Clay, I guess (I would be a total hypocrite if I didn’t celebrate the successes of a super ugly, super fat guy with a dinosaur gimmick … the difference between him and Mantaur is an Earth Science class, but whatever), but I don’t enjoy seeing one of the most talented wrestlers in the company lose so completely to one of 4-5 concurrent squash streak guys. Swagger could’ve just as easily lost this match, and Ziggler could’ve done a thing where he gets to wrestle and we pay to enjoy it.
Of course, if Cameron wakes up at the beginning of Raw and finds Hornswoggle’s head in her bed it’ll be the greatest thing ever.