Best: Mark Henry Is Going To Transition Your Title SO HARD
Best case scenario: Mark Henry will win the WWE Championship on Monday and keep it until WrestleMania 29. During that year, Daniel Bryan will ride the wave of popularity from his YES chants and become a huge fan favorite, battling his way through every challenge in WWE until winning the Royal Rumble and earning a shot at the unstoppable Henry at Mania. It will culminate with Bryan wrapping a chain around his elbow and hammerblowing Henry into submission, because if we’re gonna take all of ROH’s angles, let’s make sure we take the best ones.
Worst case scenario: Mark Henry wins the WWE Championship and loses it to … I don’t know, Randy Orton at Extreme Rules. Jericho vs. Punk doesn’t need the championship to get it over, Mark Henry gets another title reign on his resume and Randy Orton gets patted on the back because he’s a special boy.
Actual worst case scenario: Henry loses next week, World’s Strongestly Slams Abraham Washington because of the loss, Sheamus runs out and Brogue Kicks him for no reason because f**k you, Sheamus.
Worst: As Much As I Love David Otunga, He Is Still Not Great In The Ring
It’s a shame. I want to write about how much David Otunga has improved in the ring and sorta make him out to be the new 2009ish Miz, and yeah, he HAS improved, but not enough to make him the guy who should be main-eventing Raw. He’s an exceptional backstage character and presence, but he should be permanently refocused as a talking NPC, at least until McGillicutty gets brought back up as his helpful but absent-minded barista. Serving John Cena brand coffee, because holy sh*t that guy is dressed like f**king Starbucks.
Fun fact: The Starbucks logo is doing the Jeff Hardy taunt.
Best: Thank You For Being Back, Brock, I Missed You So Much
Brock Lesnar is bigger, stronger, better at wrestling and tougher than you. That’s what makes it so exceptional when he takes the lowest route known to man, doing stuff like breaking a one-legged kid’s one leg in front of the kid’s mother, then pushing a handicapped one-legged kid in a wheelchair down a flight of steps.
So I laughed out loud when instead of just jumping Cena, he snuck up behind him after the match and kicked him in the balls. THAT, my friends, is Brock Lesnar. He’s an unstoppable monster and he’s going to be a total dick about it.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
TOP TEN COMMENTS AND THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING KA KING
I want a celebrity match between Allison Brie and AJ. With Kate Upton referreeing. And the winner gets to fly around the world with me on my new jetpack that is fueled by the smiles of children! YES! YES! YES!
If the return of The Rock and Lesnar has taught me anything, it’s that the WWE is in the pocket of the powerful track pants lobby.
If tonight goes south, you can find me hiding in my Pillow Fort. #PlushJuggernaut
What’s an Intercontinental Championship?
The only way to kill Brock Lesnar is to have Santino Marella throw the Ring Ka King into the fires of Mt. Doom in Mordor!
If something happens to the Vice President of Talent Relations, does the Speaker of the House of Talent Relations take his place?
This doesn’t speak well of your talent if 30 of them can’t stop a washed up UFC fighter with no colon
Space Monkey Mafia
John Cena finally succumbed to the hate, vomited up blood, and joined the Red Lantern Corps. All hail Atrocitus.
“Ziggler won’t take that lying down…”
He NEVER takes anything lying down. Taking things flopping around spectacularly, maybe…
What do you think are the odds of Shemp making a run-in?
And that’s not all!
Best: BONUS REPORT
Column regular/image contributor Casey (aka “THESTINGER”) took in the show last night live from the Verizon Center, so I’ve decided to give him a page to share some of his thoughts on the live experience. It worked pretty well for the WrestleMania report, and if you guys like it I can try to fit in more live event reports from some of the commenting stalwarts. You guys make this fun for me every week, so it’s the least I could do.
All yours, THESTINGER.