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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 4/30/12, Guest Starring Bork Laser

By 05.01.12

Best: Orton And Swagger’s Four Minute Broadway

Randy Orton versus Jack Swagger was about as good as a four-minute match with a five-minute time limit and a foregone conclusion could be. Well, it might’ve been better with Dolph Ziggler instead of Swagger, but Dolph was busy stuffing Mason Ryan into a suitcase and carrying him to f**king Siberia on Superstars.

Of all the people in WWE, Randy Orton and Jack Swagger are the two who need a slightly new direction. Orton would be easy … you’ve established him as a natural do-gooder who is occasionally a psychotic asshole, so if you can pair him up with someone who isn’t that and get a good story out of it. His stuff with Christian and Mark Henry last year was good because they aren’t the same Triple H/Kane “I’m gonna be relentless~!” types. He could really excel against someone like Daniel Bryan or Del Rio, guys who have an agenda but aren’t nutso about it until they’re pushed to the point of punting. Also, they’re great wrestlers. Orton can improve on a dime, and he can plateau harder and faster than anybody when he isn’t being challenged.

Swagger has super secret charisma, he’s got the size you desperately want in a young WWE guy and he’s got Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler as monster heat machines by his side. Give him a new look to match his Ken Cosgrove hair and give him a purpose. Don’t just have him say he’s an American or that he wants a title, give him an impetus … have him feel something is important and attempt to make it happen. I guess that’s the most verbose way ever to say “have him do stuff”, but whatever. He needs to be a character and react to other characters, not a wrestler who reacts to other wrestlers.

Worst: Eve As A Sexual Foil

From last week’s column:

I really, really hate this idea. Not only because you’re trading a brilliant backstage character for a woman with the acting prowess of a house plant and getting TWO terrible wrestlers in return, but because John Laurinaitis absolutely does not need a female foil/sex interest. John Laurinaitis needs to be the most asexual guy of all time. He works well with Otunga because they’re more or less neutered and all about their paychecks. Those are the spineless authority figures we need, not a f**king Beetle Bailey with Eve as Miss Buxley.

And this week, a frustrated John Laurinaitis gets a “my eyes are up here!” comment from Eve. No matter how badly you want him to be Mr. McMahon, you don’t need to have him yelling I’M GONNA SCREEEW YOU DAMMIT and sticking his tongue in things. He’s a different guy. He’s honestly more Teddy Long than Vince McMahon, that’s why they work as enemies.

Maybe Otunga will be back in a couple of weeks, say “you should really stop being a pervert with Eve, she’s your employee and she’s like the 18th hottest person here”, sip his coffee and slowly shake his head. (Please come back quickly.)

Best: JTG And I Feel The Same Way About Brodus Clay Right Now

Best: Funkasaurus Not Knowing How Momentum Works

I’m not enjoying The Funk much lately (other than the ongoing splits one-upsmanship between the Funkadactyls and the entrance theme, which I’ll never get tired of), but I got a kick out of him bouncing off the ropes about a foot to the right of JTG’s body (twice!), then stepping over and doing a splash as if he’d gotten any goddamn momentum whatsoever from the ropes. It was the Boogeyman’s jumping clothesline in the corner for fat, falling dinosaurs. He could just stand still and fall on dudes and it would hurt the same.

There are still some worsts, though, like the fact that Clay squashed Dolph Ziggler at Extreme Rules on Sunday and went right back to beating up guys like JTG on Raw. If Brodus is good enough to beat a techincal former World Champion in three minutes and not break (into more of) a sweat, why shouldn’t he get thrown into the Beat The Clock thing with guys like Miz, who haven’t won anything in months? He could beat Miz without moving.

Oh, and for the official record, Naomi > Cameron. Calling my Funkadactyl loyalties now, before WWE breaks them up and feuds them against each other.

Worst: Here Are Some Children!

It is never a good idea to bring children into a wrestling ring. This includes post-match dancing, Dominic custody battles and WWE Fan Axxess (see those kids in the ring with me while I’m destroying the impression contest? One of them did an impression of John Cena which was just walking and making jazz hands. F**king pathetic.)

To further illustrate my point, consider the time WCW let a bunch of kids dance around the ring with a rapist. The closest kids should get to the ring is ringside. If you’re in deeper than those braindead Cena kid twins who are at every other Raw, you’re doing it wrong.

And Up Next:

One day I want the Alex Riley silhouette mystery opponent to be Bob Holly, just to bring it full circle.

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