Worst: John Cena Doesn’t Make A Bit Of Goddamn Sense
During the live Monday Night Raw Watch Parties, we mute the show and allow members of local improv comedy groups to dub over the in-ring promos with whatever they come up with. Megan Simon of Checkbook had the impossible task of being John Cena and turned his opening speech into a thing about fishing, and how he had difficulty holding onto fish and wanted to give it another try. I had to watch Raw again to write this report, and here’s what I learned: John Cena’s opening thing might as well have been about fishing.
Seriously, the guy is off his rocker. Last week I wrote about how Cena’s first post-divorce-news segment (15 minutes of him doing a super dated Ace Ventura impression and making faces like he’s Screech Powers singing “Home At Our School”) was incredibly dark, and that continues here. Cena can’t seem to figure out whether he’s frustrated (actual quote: “GAHHH!”), angry (“if any of you homos get into the ring with me tonight, I’ll kill ya”) or Truman Show self-aware (“John Laurinaitis is about to come out and he’ll have music and a video package and he’ll say things using John Laurinaitis’ voice!”).
He mentions that he used to call the Big Show a friend. Have John Cena and Big Show ever been friends? Was John Cena being a friend when he hung around in the back doing nothing while Laurinaitis made Show sob and beg for his job on his knees? Cena calls John Laurinaitis a “power-hungry bully”. Laurinaitis, the guy who got a wrestler to help him win one match, is the bully in a feud against a guy who calls him names every week, makes fun of his voice, calls his initiatives “garbage” and took great joy in physically destroying a man 15 years his senior. John Cena, the same guy who spraypainted “poopy” on a guy’s limo, Attitudinally Adjusted a guy off a car through a stage after he’d already won the match, beat up Alberto Del Rio’s ring announcer on 300 consecutive Raws and won the WWE Championship from a 5’3 guy who’d already wrestled earlier in the night. That guy is calling his dickhead boss a “bully”. The guy who punches people who make him mad. THAT GUY.
Cena’s entire reaction should’ve been: “Welp, shoulda seen that coming, let’s fight at the next pay-per-view” and then a foley fart noise and maybe some streamers.
Best: Now John Laurinaitis Is Free To See The World
That all being said, holy sh*t at John Laurinaitis in a Rascal Scooter. I didn’t think they had a way to make him better, but they put him in a Fat Lady At Wal-Mart transportation device, had him claim to simultaneously have every injury possible and still be sorta chipper about it. That’s what I love most about John Laurinaitis — his ability to remain detached and positive, even when he’s totally full of sh*t. He didn’t have that while Otunga was gone. It’s back now. Whatever Otunga’s got in that thermos is good for the environment.
I think Laurinaitis should keep the Hoveround (or “Hover Around”) forever and pull an Iron Mike Sharpe, and spend the next like five years getting people into situations where they end up lying on the ramp with him speeding at them at 8 MPH, laughing maniacally.
Worst: Cena’s Stuck On A Storyline Loop
When John Cena was angry at Wade Barrett, he spent most of his time beating David Otunga in 30 second matches. Now that he’s angry at John Laurinaitis, he finds himself beating David Otunga in 30 second matches. The same thing happened with CM Punk, where he took control of the Nexus, forgot about them completely, then found himself beating David Otunga in 30 second matches without ever mentioning that he was still kinda-sorta his cult boss. Otunga’s a smart guy, and unless they are going to openly address that he’s got some “I WANNA BE A BIG FISH IN A BIG POND” complex where he can’t stop challenging the most unbeatable dudes in the company they should redirect him to the Johnnies Curtis and Yoshis Tatsu of the roster for a decisive win now and again. Remember when he punked out Ezekiel Jackson? That’s what we need more of.
To sorta go with what I was saying earlier, John Cena stands up to a bully by beating up the bully’s friend, who challenged him to stand up for the bully who had just been injured by the victim. See anything wrong with that sentence? In the WWE Universe, being a heel means you try to get out of confrontational situations using words.
Best: Hey, I Know These Guys!
Curt Hawkins, Tyler Reks and (more importantly) Darren Young and Titus O’Neil got to appear on Raw, and while that appearance was limited to 1) jumping John Cena as a cowardly group of heels, 2) being immediately dispatched by John Cena and one other person, 3) standing around the ring later as color wheel lumberjacks who get glared at by racist Big Show and eventually beaten up by more popular wrestlers, I’ll take what I can get. Give the creative team member who picked them as the attack posse millions of dollars. MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS
Best: New Silhouettes
TONIGHT ON RAW, Alex Riley, Alex Riley and Alex Riley will go three-on-two against … hey, wait a minute!
Great, there goes my joke. Bob Holly got to be the silhouette for years! All right, “Alex Riley, Tyson Kidd or maybe Brock Lesnar from years ago and I think Shane McMahon” will be teaming up against aw forget it.