The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 5/7/12: All Hail Our New Robot Overlord

By: 05.08.12

Worst: Handicap Matches Where The Handicapped Guy Can Win Unless They Cheat

And the “make Brandon type the word ‘tropes’ too many times” theme of the night continues.

I was pretty excited for a CM Punk versus Lord Tensai match, and despite Daniel Bryan being my favorite wrestler I didn’t like him being randomly added with six minutes left in the show. Not only because I think a one-on-one thing with Punk and Albert could be good (especially given Punk’s love of appropriating puro), but because WWE handicap matches never go the way handicap matches are supposed to go and almost always make the two guys on the advantaged team look worse.

It’s the “John Cena can beat R-Truth and The Miz by himself without much trouble, so he gets the Rock to come out of retirement and help him beat them more for no reason” Survivor Series thing. What chance does Daniel Bryan have of beating CM Punk for the WWE Championship at Over The Limit if he has such trouble beating him in a non-title, basically-meaningless throwaway handicapped match where his partner is an undefeated monster with a debilitating mist hand? They had to distract the referee and double team him to win. That shouldn’t happen. I’m okay with CM Punk being pinned clean by either guy here because he’s wrestling two guys. They don’t need to cheat on top of that, there are TWO of them.

Best: Nobody Can Survive The Mountain Dew Hand, Or

Worst: Woof, That Baldo Bomb

I still like Lord Tensai (and not in an ironic way) and I wouldn’t feel like me without giving him a best for continued use of SPIT HAND, a move that somehow blinds you because a guy spit onto his hand and grabbed your forehead. I guess it drips down into your eyes? Punk started going REAHHHRGGHH as soon as Albert grabbed his head, so who knows.

Anyway, the follow-up worst is for this thing:

MAN that looked terrible. In kayfabe it kinda works because it’s a big guy just picking you up and throwing you down, and if that happened in real life you wouldn’t fall perfectly flat on your back, you’d land with like one foot and stumble around and fall. This is the Sabu theory of professional wrestling, and unless I’ve severely underestimated my WWE I don’t think that’s what they were going for.

If A.W. was smart, he’d get Lord Tensai, the Funkasaurus and Ryback in a crew together and have them beat the instant sh*t out of everybody with a bunch of karate poses and moves that look like ass but do 9999 HP damage.

Best: YES! Surviving The Honeymoon Stage

I thought for a while that YES! was going to be neutered. Daniel Bryan did his speech after WrestleMania trying to turn it into a Kurt Angle thing, where people are chanting YES! to make fun of him, not because they like him. Sheamus co-opted it on Smackdown in a horrible moment, and I thought that was the last straw.

Thankfully the CM Punk feud is timed perfectly for Bryan, because it allows him to get the hell away from Smackdown’s canned black hole of infinite crowd noise and play the YES! to the live crowd, where it will succeed or fail on its own merits. He did it long enough and awkwardly enough at the end of the match that people were chanting NO! along with him, and I think that’s the next healthy step. The YES! backlash people get something to do, and everybody who isn’t a pleeb can chant it in peace. Bryan’s momentum keeps moving forward and he keeps having great matches with people until they couldn’t POSSIBLY get rid of him or ignore him again, because he’s their one guy who has great matches.

Yes, yes, yes.

Best: Sign Of The Night

He’s right; it totally is.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week

Doctor Teeth

Lawler telling someone ‘you can’t live in the past’ is like HHH telling someone not to rely on their friends and family for help.


in honor of their alliance, Lord Tensai will be using a non-animal based green mist.


Ways to get heat in North Carolina: reading

Philip Rosenbaum

piece of paper that just says in crayon “samiches and piss”

Golden Shower Productions

Why is Bork Lazer represented by Steven Segal’s stunt double?



Tobogganing Bear

Celebrity Blogger, eh? Was “beloved juggler” unavailable?


Of course Mark Henry got bullied, his son is a hand

Fawse Stahr

Sheamus: Do as I say

Kids: Not as you do!


“And for those of you who haven’t been bullied, we brought Brock Lesnar to teach you what it’s like!”

See you next week. And at the ND on May 21st, or you’re dead to me.

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