Worst: Here Are Some Important People From Our Company’s History, Let’s Take A Huge Shit All Over It
I’m not sure why this segment existed.
In theory, it existed to bring out Cyndi Lauper (who looked great as always, and a little like Greg The Hammer Valentine) and Wendi Richter (WWE’s “Wendi Richter”) to celebrate an important time and series of moments in WWE history, to sell a few Cyndi Lauper MP3s in the process and continue Heath Slater’s Legend Killer (where the legend is the killer) Tour. Bringing out Piper makes sense, and allows you to bring closure to one of the great mysteries of pro wrestling lore — why Rowdy Roddy Piper never bashed in Cyndi Lauper’s head with a fire extinguisher.
In practice, you brought out a couple of people who are uncomfortable in a wrestling ring, had your terrible ring announcer do his Terrible Ring Announcing thing all over it (even during the important parts, like when they were trying to pay tribute to Captain Lou Albano), bring out a guy who gets no crowd reaction because you’ve never portrayed him as anything but the Wendy’s looking henchman who sounds weird and gets emasculated by celebrites, and cap that off by bringing out a commonly-appearing legend simply to rag about how old he is nonstop. The only guy who’ll be there next week gets beaten up, nothing is celebrated and nobody looks good. I don’t know why it existed, unless that gothic image of Vince in headphones in a dimly-lit room yelling shit like CALL HIM PATHETIC DAMMIT is true and not a way for the Internet to justify WWE’s occasional abyss-staring blackness.
At least bring out Cowboy Bob to hammerblow Wendi in the back of the head with his cast one good time.
Best: Baaaaa aaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaand
Poor Heath Slater left the ring looking like the least important wrestler of all time, but to esoteric nerds like me he became a folk hero. Ignoring pretty girls in Halloween costumes it was the most memorable moment of the show, and my favorite. I’ve been singing Heath Slater’s hit single all night long and for most of the day, and it works because it doesn’t really have lyrics. You can make it about anything. “I’m the one man baaaaa aaaaaa aaaaand, one man baaaaa aaaaa aaaaand. I like saaaaa aaaaa aaaaand, because I’m baaaaa aaaaaa aaaaanned” or whatever. Just throw a shitload of AAAAA into the middle of something.
I honestly think Slater should get whoever does the themes these days to put a few WWE Network wubwubwubs behind the song and use it for his entrance. He could start calling his finisher “The Drop”. I also think they should make it available as a ringtone with one of those Jeff Jarrett country beats behind it.
Worst: Cyndi Lauper As Masada
At some point during the day you’d have thought Jerry Lawler would pull Cyndi aside and say “hey, I know you’ve never smashed a gold record over somebody’s head before, but hit them with the paper side first, that way they won’t get a bunch of glass in their face, this is all pretend we don’t want to blind and kill people on our TV show”. But nope, there she is breaking a shoot pane of glass over Heath Slater’s head, then pulling it back long enough to slam it back down and do a Crown Of Thorns thing with the jagged pieces. Wendi Richter should’ve pulled out a fat plastic baseball bat with Christmas ornaments stuck to it and jabbed it into his stomach. Piper could’ve Lincoln Logged a bunch of light tubes and Burning Hammer’d him trough it.
My only understanding of how wrestling works comes from the Internet, so I hope Heath Slater is just “paying his dues” and isn’t being given this role as any sort of meta punishment. When he gets fired I don’t want his resume to say
- Shoved by Flo Rida
- Had glass smashed over head by Cyndi Lauper
- Kneed in the dick by Lawrence Welk
Best: AW As The Best Possible Funkette
MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIO
Yeah, sliding Abraham Washington to the left to be the voice of the Primetime Players was the best unimportant decision WWE has made in years. The guy is money (obnoxious money) and perfect for the kind of OH BOO COME ON BOO thing WWE wants from its midcard heel tag teams. Darren Young benefits by having someone with charisma stand beside him, and Titus O’Neil benefits from not ever having to open his mouth again for anything but dog noises.
I like their entrance and hope it stays elaborate. They need a big explosion between their announcement and their Hip Hop Track #15 entrance theme kicking in. It should just keep getting more and more elaborate every week until they’ve got a dance troupe with sparklers and a mascot and they’re riding jungle cats to the ring.
Best: Rosa Mendes As The Best Possible Rosa Mendes
I (and the WWE Universe) don’t know if PERM are babyfaces by default now or what, but indignant, pointing Rosa Mendes doesn’t have time for a ring apron corset wiggle, and that drops PERM’s television effectiveness by almost 80%. Thankfully they got most of that when Rosa started slapping canvas and … well, look at it.
That makes me want to chant “Primo”, but not in the way you intended.
Worst: The Shocking Conclusion
Raise your hand if you enjoyed seeing heels leave a match because they thought for a moment they couldn’t win. Go ahead, raise your hands. Put ‘em up if you like watching purposeful countouts 3 minutes into a match.
WWE’s got this weird sensibility going on where the only two types of bad guys are “unstoppable” and “too cowardly to finish”. As a result, the unstoppable guys seem super fake and the cowardly guys look like wimps, so no believable, compelling heel challengers are created. If a good guy can just call the bad guys whatever he wants and do whatever he wants with them and never faces consequences, there’s no drama created and no stakes, and that’s what gives us shit like Santino having the US title and losing to Alberto Del Rio in 40 seconds. Nobody cares about anything happening. John Cena can get fired and just keep showing up. Laurinaitis can get fired and show back up in a week or two (or on Smackdown) with a no job doing the exact same thing. Or the same job, if you’re Vince McMahon. Nothing matters, nobody has credibility, and only kids who can’t remember much of what happened last week move forward thinking you’re doing a good job.
The easier thing to do here would be LET THE PRIMETIME PLAYERS PIN PRIMO AND EPICO BECAUSE THEY’RE F**KING PRIMO AND F**KING EPICO AND YOU JUST MADE THESE GUYS THE #1 CONTENDERS TO YOUR TAG TITLES. Just let them beat PERM. Why do they need to be protected? You had Big Show beat them by himself. Let the guys you’re pushing get victories and stop 50/50 booking the god-damn out of everything. If nobody looks good, everybody looks bad.