Best: Give ‘Em Hell, Johnny
If this is truly the end of John Laurinaitis, bless him for his work.
Wrestling has been weird for me over the last year. I moved this column over from the ruins of AOL FanHouse just before the Summer Of Punk, and I had this great surge of wrestling positivity beaten to death by Triple H showing up, Kevin Nash showing up, power struggles, position changes, characters being introduced and reran into the ground before we could get to know them, the grand Eve Torres slut shaming and everything else that comes from being a fan … but the one guy who never let me down was John Laurinaitis. I ALWAYS enjoyed him. Hell, even Daniel Bryan, my favorite wrestler for like 6 of the past 12 years, had an 18-second WrestleMania match that almost made me quit the column cold.
But yeah, John Laurinaitis has always made me happy. His Super Dave voice, his goofy smile, his relationship with David Otunga and how easy it was to justify his underhanded shit made him the most fun character to watch and write about. And here, in what might be his last appearance (it won’t be, but work with me here) he’s bringing a FIRE to the crowd and getting all enthusiastic about what he’s saying and doing kinda-sorta Vince McMahon YOU’RE FIRED impressions out of nowhere and being totally believable and impossible to believe at the same time. Just like always.
Thanks for your time on top, Big Johnny. Mail me your People Power track jacket and I swear to God I’ll wear it forever.
Worst: John Cena Triumphant, Part Infinity
No Way Out was the end of the story, right? Laurinaitis gets his just desserts, gets fired and is Attitudinally Adjusted through the Spanish announce table. Confetti, credits.
I was hoping his farewell address on Raw would be like Batista’s, but it turned into this “oh and also before I got fired I booked this” handicapped match with John Cena and blerghhhh. If you can do that, why didn’t you just take a week and book the rest of the shows for the year? Create some weird perpetual motion machine of impromptu tag matches and Diva obstacle courses. Anyway, what I’m getting at is that Big Show bailed on Laurinaitis and left us with “Wrestling Extraordinare” (+1) David Otunga and Big Johnny versus Cena in a handicap match, which can only go one way. And then even Otunga abandons him. That’s a moment I never wanted to see. I don’t like being actually sad for people during these things.
So is THIS the ending? Are we doing a Lord Of The Rings thing where the climax happens and the screen fades out and you think it’s over, but then it fades back in to an epilogue? And then that fades out and you start to get up, but it fades back in and you have to watch a bunch of characters running into John Laurinaitis’ bedroom and hugging him? How many of these endings can we have? Return Of The King had like 15, which is why I’m asking.
They should keep doing Laurinaitis farewell addresses and attacks straight on through Raw 1000, and the 100 episodes after that can be all about Prequel Power.
Best: BEST and WORST Signs On Raw
Check out what made it onto Raw. Look behind the guy in the (awesome) pink shirt.
Worst: Woo Hoo, Fozzy’s Back Next Week
Chris Jericho’s epic Farewell To Relevance Tour continues when he returns to Raw from a month-long flag-kicking suspension with his awful aging man-band in tow. Musical acts on wrestling shows are never a good idea unless they end with someone wrestling as a Kiss character. Also, am I the only one who went “oh, right, Chris Jericho’s gone” when they said CHRIS JERICHO RETURNS TO RAW?
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
We moan, but we’re the ones dumb enough to watch it knowing what was going to happen.
Et tu Otunga?
Arrested Developmental, with the best idea ever:
AJ is the girl in the Jericho vignette Guys!
They checked Heath Slater’s pulse, it was the beat to a Molly Hatchet song.
Somewhere Tamina is getting a phantom coconut headache.
Probably Misses His Old Glasses
I was saying Lou urns
Never been prouder of my mother.
“So he’s rich, handsome and powerful. Why are people booing him? I hope he destroys the blue guy.”
B.A. Star should be a CHIKARA gimmick.
Oh yeah, CM Punk’s on Fallon. I’ll have to PVR that. I’m watching John Morrison on The Kilborn File during that time slot. They what? When? I see.
HAAAILLL YEESS NEEGGASS!!
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MY HOMEBOY WAS IN THE GUTTA TOO, AND HE CLEANER THAN ME NOW-gettin a condo!!
Hit em up – THEY WILL HELP U!!
See you next week, friends. Five more weeks before I hang myself.