Best: Vickie Guerrero Is An Awesome GM
I fly the Vickie Guerrero flag a lot in the Best And Worst Of WWE Raw column, but she ended up handing in such a good line-up card that even Jerry Lawler had to stop stammering about wandering navels for five seconds and give her credit. It was everything a WWE Board Of Directors could want from a Raw — a spotlight match featuring the WWE Champion to jerk the hell out of a curtain, a number one contenders match, a Divas battle royal and a big 20-minute spot right in the middle for John Cena to ramble about f**king nothing.
By proxy, or by accident depending on how optimistic you are, it also ended up being everything we could want (at least on paper) from a Raw — CM Punk and Daniel Bryan being great at wrestling for 10 minutes, Dolph Ziggler and Alberto Del Rio getting to wrestle and become the in-canon Best Uncrowned Guys, we got AJ, Kaitlyn and Maxine in swimsuits and John Cena’s schtick was so memorably bad that Chris Jericho could return looking like the coolest guy ever simply by telling him to shut up and stop being 9. If wrestling is real and “anything can happen in the WWE”, it was a top shelf attempt at quality wrestling TV by a character who everyone expected to put Ziggler and Swagger in an Excuse Me handicap match against Cena for maximum loss embarrassment.
The only major negative with her line-up is that so many of my favorites were missing. Laurinaitis showed up in a cameo on a shirt in a box of donated clothes, so hopefully he’ll be back on TV soon, but where was David Otunga? Or Ryback?
Worst: Destiny Promised To Watch The Entire Show With Me This Week And Offer Running Feedback For The Column But Bailed As Soon As Kane Got Pinned And Went To Bed
Just putting this out there. Destiny’s new routine is as follows:
1. Join me on the couch when Raw starts, instantly start talking about how she wants to see Kane.
2. Hangs around until Kane shows up, gets excited for Kane.
3. When Kane is on-screen, she starts explaining all the things she’d write for Kane if she was in charge of wrestling (i.e. “Kane should have a girlfriend who dresses like Kane”, “Kane should drive a car that looks like Kane”).
4. When Kane gets pinned (or leaves the screen), she gets listless and wanders away, or starts multitasking.
So last night’s show was TERRIBLE for her, because Kane showed up almost immediately, only to quickly lose. No build-up, no time for ideas and no pay-off. She didn’t even stick around long enough to see him break up with a girl he wasn’t dating, like he isn’t a kayfabe f**king rapist murderer.
WWE, if you read this, put all of Kane’s matches in the overrun, and mention that Kane will be appearing later on every 10 minutes throughout the show so my girlfriend will watch Raw in its entirety.
Best: No Inappropriate Ponytail Theater This Week!
It’s always been weird to me that wrestlers can only talk to each other or settle differences on wrestling night, like they don’t have six other days in the week to pick up a phone or send somebody a YouTube link and say “hey, that shit that happened on Raw was an accident. We cool?” Triple H has made that even weirder since the Undertaker feud, because apparently he or the person he’s feuding with need two weeks between everything they do to process it and formulate a response.
Brock Lesnar will have an official answer to Triple H’s challenge next week! I hope it’s just, “this is extremely unprofessional and your business is weird. Why are you challenging people who sued you to a fight? Say that out-loud” and maybe a wank-and-throw motion.
Worst: Who Should Gangbang AJ? Cast Your Votes Now
Oh God, this.
Remember when the WWE roster surrounded the ring on Raw to give Triple H a Vote Of No Confidence, and Beth Phoenix said that really weird stuff about how R-Truth and Miz were so out of control that she and the other Divas didn’t feel safe, and you KNOW they didn’t mean to infer “they might rape us” because it’s a TV-PG show but it totally and completely sounded like she was worried Miz and Truth would show up and start raping ladies on Raw? That’s what this graphic reminded me of.
Because I seriously don’t think they meant “Who do you think AJ should be with?” as “who should AJ have sex with”, they meant “who should AJ align herself with”. Right? The story has been about AJ picking a side and being weird about it. They aren’t going to have an #AJAll option in a poll about who she should blow, right? But at the same time the allegiance thing has been less “who will AJ manage” and more “who will AJ date”, so what DID they mean? The reasonable thing, because they write dumb stories and don’t know how to word shit, or the horrible thing, because they’ve got a history of being awful to women?
I think Lawler mentioned it, but why was there no #AJNoneOfTheAbove option? Jokes about #AJBrandon (or my personal favorite, #AJKaitlyn) aside, is it an impossibility that she could be her own thing and just be an anarchistic character who wants to ruin things for people and watch the world burn? Or just a woman who can exist outside of a relationship?
Here’s how I’d book it: I’d have CM Punk sit down with her to have a talk about what’s been going on between them, but before he says anything she interrupts with, “by the way, I want you to meet my new steady boyfriend, The Guy Mickie James Kidnapped”. And then that guy and Punk shake hands. Secondary option: Heath Slater gets a second member in his band.