Worst: Big Show Transferred His Knee-Crying Abilities To Brodus Clay
It wasn’t really a “worst”, especially after the Brodus/Curt Hawkins matches or The Big Show’s 180 minute assault on Kofi Kingston in a steel cage a couple of weeks ago, but I wanted so much more out of a formal Brodus/Big Show Raw match. I actually liked this less than Show’s spear -> table thrashing attack from a while back. Show demolished him with extreme prejudice there. Here, he won by falling on him during an interrupted body slam. Really? I get that it’s time for Brodus to lose, but does taking a sudden pin and getting knocked out on the ramp protect him anymore than a hard-fought match that ends in a knockout punch?
I don’t know, it didn’t seem like a big deal either way, but I want my Hoss Fights, and with Lord Tensai getting stuffed into a production crate and shipped back to OVW I only have so many options. Vickie should’ve sent Ryback out in the middle of this and have him god damn demolish show and Brodus and double-Muscle Buster them like he would to Fillmore and Hayes, then have him be all FEED ME MORE and organize a reality show for WWE Network where they have to find some Haystacks Calhoun and Loch Ness Monster looking f**kers to hang with Skip.
(I really missed Ryback this week, I don’t know if you can tell.)
Best: Did You Know?
I’ve got a couple of jokes for this, so choose your favorite:
Did You Know?
This would still seem shorter than a single 3-hour Raw.
Did You Know?
If you were to watch every ‘Necessary Roughness’ commercial during an episode of Raw non-stop for 24 hours a day, it would take you over 75 days to watch them all.
They should bring back Sean O’Haire and have him approach guys backstage and be all, “last Monday, WWE Raw had a higher social media score than Fox News, ESPN or Nickelodeon. But I’m not telling you anything you already Did Not Know”.
Worst: It May Be Time To See What TNA’s Up To, Jack Swagger
Pro-tip for Dolph Ziggler: Remember last week when you had a tough time beating Jack Swagger? Next time you wrestle him, bring a stuffed animal to the ring and hit him with it. If you believe hard enough, he will die.
But yeah, I thought Santino getting his first United States Championship defense in like three months (with the announcers bringing that and his six month title reign up for the first time) meant Swagger was going to squash him, get it back, and get to be a thing again. The loss against Ziggler severed him from Vickie, so to survive he’d need to refocus, go back to the “american american american” well and maybe eventually get another swank ECW-esque series with Christian over which show’s secondary title is the best. I was pretty surprised to see Swagger get suplexed around (!) and lose clean to an Animorph.
WWE loves to tell that story where a guy loses over and over for a year, and we convince ourselves that it’s building to something when the only thing it can “build to” is NOT LOSING ALL THE TIME. You can tell that story more quickly by NOT HAVING A GUY LOSE ALL THE TIME. Ryback’s kids are there to lose all the time. The 6’5 NCAA Champion and former World Heavyweight Champion is not necessarily there to do that.
But whatever, it’s Jack Swagger. He should seriously consider doing the Christian/Matt Morgan tour of TNA thing where he slums it for a few years, learns how to wrestle guys who didn’t come up in WWE developmental and come back with something better than “I’m from America”.
Worst: Send Me Those Clothes, You Assholes
Oh man, how much do I hate John Cena and Zack Ryder for digging a People Power shirt out of the donation bin and tossing it in the garbage as a throwaway reference? Hey Derrick Bateman, I know you read this column and live in the WWE Zone or whatever, go find that bin and ship me its contents. I’ll pay you for the shipping. If his track jacket ends up in the garbage I swear to God
Best: Katy Perry’s Inspirational Movie About Her Struggles Is In 3-D And Can Double As A Pepsi Commercial
People stage-diving to Katy Perry divorce songs with Pepsis in their hands is about living every single moment. I hope somebody makes a biopic about me one day and it’s just footage of me drinking Mountain Dew Throwback and going down waterslides in smell-o-vision.