Worst: John Cena, Aggressive 9-Year Old, Reading Promos Written By Nerds Who’ve Gotten Too Old
And then this happened.
Cena continues to be in a weird dark place since the news of his divorce broke, and this week it took the form of an absolutely out-of-a-bat’s-ass shit promo about Star Wars where Cena makes WWE guys be Star Wars guys and pretends it’s hilarious. You know for a fact that this was scripted out meticulously by some 36-year old Kevin Smith-esque asshole who either
1. Hasn’t updated his pop culture references in 20 years and missed Zack And Miri Make A Porno causing Star Wars references to jump the shark for f**king ever.
2. Wanted that promo to be Cena comparing wrestlers to ‘Babylon 5’ or ‘Lexx’ characters but nobody got his “John Cena’s a Cylon” Prototype gag and couldn’t get anybody to laugh at anything but ‘Lexx Luger’, so he dumbed it down and made it about Star Wars so people who watch wrestling and have the pop culture scope of a Ziggy comic could enjoy it.
Either way, it was a nearly-lethal dose of secondhand embarrassment, and as Totes Adorbs as Cena was laughing at his own Yoda impression it only succeeded in making me forget about Cyndi Lauper and Wendi Richter’s forceable nostalgia entry from last week. If you want to be nerdy on wrestling you have to be SINCERELY nerdy on wrestling, like when AJ dressed up as Kitana from Mortal Kombat. It worked because you knew she knew who that was, and because she tried to do the fan lift. If Cena’s seen an entire Star War for real I’ll eat my shoe.
If you guys are just hiring nerds to make pop culture jokes on Raw, I am a pretty desperate blogger with mild wrestling business connections and I could write the hell out of a “Kane and Undertaker are Fire Benders” gag. It ends with Kofi Kingston throwing a boomerang at Kane and f**king up his third eye.
Best Best Best: Chris Jericho Is Tired Of Your Shit
This Raw was full of great moments, but I think my favorite was Chris Jericho remembering that he’s CHRIS JERICHO and not that stammering weird guy from the last four months, wandering out in the Million Dollar Man’s jacket and asking John Cena to cut another Star Wars promo like a 9-year old (complete with GLORIOUS EYE-ROLL):
The video package of Fozzy preforming in front of a bigger-than-Raw audience made Jericho look like a huge star, and despite sorta looking like Dana Carvey he made more of an impression on me last night than he has since January. Seriously, the guy looks like he’s aged 15 years in the last month. Kicking a Brazilian flag is basically the worst thing you can do. Regardless, Cena desperately needed someone to shut him up, and all Jericho had to do was be a normal person who isn’t an invalid 5-year old to do it.
No offense, Make-A-Wish kids.
Best: Money In The Bank Matches With Actual Guys In Them
WWE looks like they want to keep the good will from last year’s Money In The Bank going, so the announced matches so far include a straight-up CM Punk versus Daniel Bryan WWE Championship match and a pair of Money In The Bank ladder matches, with at least one of the two featuring actual WWE Superstars. Usually those things are full of guys who can jump off a ladder or hold a ladder to be jumped from, so you end up with Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne and R-Truth and like Kane in there, when you’d assume guys like Show and John Cena and The Rock (cough) who always want the WWE Championship would WANT to be in there and get an easy-as-shit opportunity. If Jack Swagger can cash in on a guy and become champion, how easy would it be for Cena?
The thing about Cena being in the match “to stop the Big Show” is pretty funny, since literally two months ago he was a fat guy who lost his month-long Intercontinental Championship by accidentally stepping through a table. Gravity and a ladder rung not built to support a f**king moose would probably stop Show without Cena having to be around, but I guess Jumping Dog Shoulderblocks From The Ladder~ are a solid insurance policy.
Cena winning the match could work, too, especially if you have him be the guy who fails on his cash-in. They’ve got to have someone fail soon, and Cena’s got enough credibility and enough title wins under his belt to not look like such a goober about it. Have him nobly challenge Punk to a match at SummerSlam and lose. Gimmick integrity preserved, Cena gets another good match without having to resort to props and Punk’s title reign gets closer to the full year. A win all around.
Best: SID, MOTHERF**KERS
Okay, I was lying about the Jericho eye roll. The best part of this show was SID, because SID RULES THE WORLD. That’s my analysis. Through boots and powerbombs he has been PUT IN CHARGE OF OUR WORLD.
I was talking about this earlier today … the coolest thing about WWE’s legends build for Raw 1000 is that they’ve forgone their usual “let’s bring out whoever’s already in the back” thing with Sgt. Slaughter and IRS and are actually bringing in cool guys we haven’t seen for a while. And Sarge and IRS are GREAT, don’t get me wrong, but they are WWE Legends, not VADER and SID. If Stan Hansen shows up next week to break Heath Slater’s neck with a Western Lariat I’ll forgive another year of sports entertainment.
Sid is awesome, but you don’t need me to tell you that. I wish he’d gotten a backstage segment with Teddy Long, though.