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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 6/4/12: Rosenberg And Stansky Are Dead

By 06.05.12

Best: Holy Sh*t, Synchronized Jobbers

I know I already used my LOL for Camacho, but loooooooooooooooooooool

The HD WWE Fan Nation videos I usually link to edited out the two best moments of the match — the military press from Hell (pictured, right) and the UNSTOPPABLY AMAZING opening salvo from “local talent” Stan Stansky and Arthur Rosenberg in the form of an epic poem. The gorilla throw speaks for itself, but at the risk of overstating it I think Rosansky turning into Tomax and Xamot from G.I. Joe to threaten Ryback is probably the funniest thing to happen on Raw all year. I want these guys on NXT, and I want them to always speak in stereo. When one gets clotheslined, I want the other to sell it.

Jobbers doing “2 Become 1” before matches is the greatest. The snark in his voice when he said “Arther ROSE-enberg!”, Art’s leftover Paul London pants and Michael Cole hatefully referencing “their little POME” made this one of the most enjoyable possible things for me. We should get a backstage segment with Stansky next week where he’s in a lab coat in front of a bunsen burner yelling things like “but two IS greater than one! The match checks out! WHERE AM I GOING WRONG”

Also enjoyable:

Best: Ryback Just Brutally Murdering Dudes

The reason Funkasaurus matches were getting boring to me is that they were all the same. Brodus entered, danced, hit a couple of moves, pinned the guy and danced. That happened a little too often without any upward momentum, the act turned into Madea’s Jurassic Park and it cooled for me. Ryback’s matches are the exact opposite — he is F**KING THESE DUDES UP and I don’t care if he squashes them from now until 2015 if he keeps executing them with extreme prejudice.

When I was a kid, I loved the “chumps”, as I called them. Jobbers. Guys who’d never win. So when those guys show up on Raw or Smackdown, either in the form of “local talent” or guys I know with weird costumes and names (example: Lichtenstein Champion Johnny Gargano), I enjoy watching them perform. I liked watching Ray Rowe get squashed by Umaga more than the last 10 blockbuster Raw tag team main-events. There’s a sincerity to it, and in a TV-PG world you occasionally have to have guys get shoot destroyed in the most violent way the rating will allow. Ryback throwing a guy 20 feet into the air is a good example of that. Him propping them up together and turning them into paste with a lariat is another.

I’ll put it to you this way: If the Funkasaurus went up against a guy like CM Punk, I’d expect Punk to win. If Punk went up against Ryback? I’d order flowers for the funeral.

Best: The Punk/Daniel Bryan Feud Is Making Kane Pretty Good By Proxy

WWE Fan Nation did a terrible job of editing that Ryback match, but they did a great one with Punk vs. Kane – they show the entire pre-match Daniel Bryan Q&A, then jump right to the end where Bryan and A.J. interfere. We’ll call this one a push, guys.

Anyway, the WWE Title feud is built around three absolutes:

1. Daniel Bryan’s inability to have a bad match

2. Kane’s inability to have a good match

3. CM Punk’s inability to have a segment anybody but me dislikes

And surprisingly enough, it all goes together well. Daniel Bryan is getting put into high-profile segments on the A-show with the most popular guy on the show, so he looks more important. Punk’s segments gets a dose of QUALITY PRO WRES, something missing from Punk’s life between September and April. Kane gets put into good matches AND into good segments, and lo and behold, here I am giving Bests to Kane’s involvement in non-accidentally hilarious moments on Raw.

That’s not meant to be backhanded. Kane apparently works well in situations where he doesn’t have to carry them, especially one built around two little guys who keep passive-aggressively sniping at each other and having romance drama and need a 7-foot guy in a flame speedsuit to show up and choke them and throw them at the ground. It worked back in the long long ago when Kane was feuding with World Heavyweight Champion Chris Benoit, and it works here. Who knew that pairing your best wrestlers with guys who’d have fun wrestling great wrestlers would end in great wrestling?

Best: AJ’s Craziness Is Becoming A Joss Whedon Metaphor

This is one of the ultimate WAIT AND SEE WHERE IT GOEZ moments for me right now, but AJ’s sudden craziness has become a plot point, and (thank God) one deeper than “women be trippin'”. I wasn’t a fan of watching her whimper through what I was assuming would be multiple mentally abusive relationships, but if she’s gonna own it and turn into one of the Children Of The Corn and scare Kane away with her smile I am all about it. Let’s go a step farther and figure out a way to make her eyes glow when she gets emotionally distraught. She could stand to hover a little, too.

The only complaint I can come up with for AJ here is that she’s getting a character because of a valet romance angle, and not as an important hook for the Divas division. It sounds simple, but if you give the women in your employ television characters and personalities and last names they could probably come up with something great. AJ’s the Firestarter, Eve Torres wears glasses … we’re almost there!

Best: Josh Mathews Is Afraid Of Everybody Now

AJ and Josh backstage reminded me a lot of that scene in Rushmore where Rosemary confronts Max in the classroom and is all DO YOU WANT TO FINGER ME, OR MAYBE I COULD GIVE YOU A HAND JOB and Max backs out with his head between his ass. Remember when Josh Mathews spent six months clamoring on about how AJ was his dream woman? Suddenly she has a rough couple of months and this little d-bag can’t handle it. That’s what happens when you put a woman on an pedestal, Josh, you end up disappointed. “She reads Batman comics and likes the Internet! I had no idea she’d have feelings and emotions! /makes turdface”

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