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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 1000: The One Where One Clothesline Fixes Everything

By / 07.24.12

Best: The “Everyone Here Is Crazy” Sketch

I’ve always enjoyed the underlying idea that everyone involved in wrestling (as character, I mean) are bonkers, and Vince is just some grand asylum operator who brings in patients, lets them act out these elaborate fantasies and disputes, and charges the perverse or the too-stupid-to-know-better to watch it.

Think about it. Classic NWA was a hotbed of insanity. You had Magnum T.A. pretending he was a Tom Selleck character, Dusty Rhodes believing he could touch people through a television screen, a guy from Minnesota running around with a chain pretending he was Russian … hell, it even makes sense when you imagine Ric Flair as a Johnny Knoxville in The Ringer type who’s just taking advantage of the disable because it’s an easy racket. That’d explain why he held the title for so long, and why the referees always seemed to be on his side.

AJ explaining WWE’s relative insanity to Layla (who once was involved indirectly in a romance storyline with a guy named “Balls” and should know better) was funny, even if I would’ve liked to have seen less of the people who are always there (Duggan, Piper) and maybe have her open the door to find WARRIOR standing there yelling about Hoe Kogan and crashing airplanes. Open up the door to find Silent Rage sitting criss-cross applesauce in the hallway snorting meth. Something different.

Oh, well, we DID get this:

mae_young_hand_son

Worst: I Am Not Accepting Your Mae Young Hand Payoff

You’d think I would’ve went nuts for this, but nope, not having it. Sometimes what you say would be “hilarious if they did it” is only hilarious because they would never do it. Three big reasons why I’m not happy with this:

1. “Hi, I’m Mae Young’s son, all grown up!” As weird as it is that he’d identify himself to his mom’s work acquaintances as “Mae Young’s son” when she’s standing right there, how the hell is he “all grown up”? She gave birth to the bloody rubber hand in 2000. Couldn’t they have put a 12 year old in that costume? Not only would it have been funnier, it wouldn’t have made me think about the weird Cable-esque time traveling shit going on with Mae Young’s Hand Son.

I’m also sad that he identified himself as “Mae Young’s son”, and now we’ll never know the hand’s name. I always hoped it’d be D’Lo.

2. There is no way that that whitebread motherf**ker in the glasses is Mark Henry’s son. Unless Mae was stepping out on the World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry is f**king black as night and could not have helped biologically create one of the goddamn Barenaked Ladies. I would buy him impregnating her with a severed hand before I’d buy his sperm being responsible for half of THAT guy.

3. Correct me if I’m wrong, but hands don’t “grow up” to monster size, do they? Yes, I am more worried about the hand being too big than I am about it having a face at the base of its middle finger. Shut up.

Worst: It Takes Brodus Clay Longer To Intro Naomi And Cameron Than It Does For Him To Pin Jack Swagger

I’m seriously tired of Brodus huffing his way through the Funkadactyls introduction. First of all, they don’t need introductions, they’re dancing fat guy accessories. Second of all, “PUT! YOUR! HANDS! TOGETHER FOR! NAY, OMI! AND! CAMERON! THE! FUNK! UH! DACK, TULLLLLS!” just narrowly beats the rushed/studious “in captivity” as the worst part of that intro. Funk being on a roll is enough to pop the crowd, they don’t need a three-stage preparation.

Also, I don’t really give a dog’s ass about Jack Swagger losing anymore, but man, how sad was I when Brodus asked me to PUT MY HANDS TOGETHER FOR and it was Dude Love instead of Ernest Miller? We live in a WWE Universe where the disembodied hand gestating inside Mae Young’s womb gets eyeglasses and has Jack disease, we can connect the dots and bring in The Cat for a one-shot where he claims the rights to the music, watches Lemont get dumped and gets splashed for a 10-second loss. At least Ernest Miller wouldn’t have to BE here next week.

Sorry, Jack.

Best: Your Favorite Best And Worst Of WWE Raw Column Moments, Sponsored By Tout

Thanks, Kevin. That was probably my favorite moment, too.

Best: Slick Is Awesome

MARRIAGE!

MARRIAGE!

MARRIAGE!!!

Slick is a great nostalgia pop, especially because him being the reverend at Daniel Bryan's wedding means he gets to do more than walk to the ring and awkwardly dance a little while Iron Sheik tries to find an opening to shout PUSSY or SON OF A BITCH FAG into the microphone on live television. D-Bry should've beaten him up, only for Kamala to show up out of nowhere and destroy him. Or hell, if Vince is in the business of ruining everything good he stumbles into, why not pair them up and have Bryan find out he's actually a black guy.

The best part of Slick's cameo is ABSOLUTELY this moment, when AJ gets announced as the new Raw GM and it cuts to her, and in the background you can see Slick checking the f**k out.

Slick WWE Raw

Worst: The Missed Opportunity Of A Daniel Bryan/AJ Wedding

So the Bryan/AJ wedding could've went in a hundred different ways, with Kane showing up to set Slick on fire or Dean Ambrose showing up to be the Joker to AJ's Harley Quinn, or Bryan having AJ committed for being crazy (which is what I thought those Disorderlies looking dudes before the commercial break were doing ... maybe that'll be important next week). The reveal that Vince had offered to make AJ the General Manager of Raw and her not being able to do it if she was married (or whatever) was super, super weak and seemed like Vince just wandered out during the segment and started doing improv.

Seriously, AJ's "I said yes to another man" thing was the jump off, and maybe Vince and Doink the Clown and Genichiro Tenryu or whoever were backstage doing paper rock scissors to see who'd go out and continue the sketch. The whole thing was very "yes and". If Vince wants Raw to be "exciting", why doesn't he just put a f**king housecat in charge of it? The cat would roll around and shit everywhere, but at least it wouldn't end up in intergender tag team matches. Remember when Vince got stripped of his day-to-day duties? Remember when Vince put John Laurinaitis in charge for being an obedient, boss pleasing stooge, then came back a few months later and got pissed because Laurinaitis was an obedient, boss pleasing stooge? Did Vince have the frontal lobe of his brain removed? Is this a Regarding Henry situation? Are Raw's new transitional graphics going to be spinning Ritz crackers?

I really hated all of this, and it didn't get any better.

Best: Your Favorite Best And Worst Of WWE Raw Column Moments, Sponsored By Tout

Thanks, Alex*. The worst part was trying to flush.


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